right here, right now
august update / reminders when worrying about what comes next
은방울 (Lily of the Valley), DANIEL
The past knocks on my door. It’s a letter from my former self, dated June 2019—a time where I was just on the cusp of entering a new era in my life: university. Sealed tightly, I’m instructed to open it only after June 2024, a time I had predicted I would have graduated university already. What could be inside? I wondered.
Nervously, I began to open it. I had completely forgotten what I wrote, so I braced myself for any potential cringe.
To my surprise, I teared up. This 3-paged, stapled, handwritten letter was my attempt at starting a tradition of writing future letters to myself. I was sentimental even since high school, huh? I thought. While reading, I was particularly struck by how the things I cared about and the troubles I was going through rang eerily akin to today, and how I had this unwavering belief in myself through it all. I had forgotten that was something I had back then, and reading about it made me feel like that was stronger back then than it is now.
But that blinding optimism is something I want to hold onto. That spark in my eyes—I get it, and I’m starting to get it back1. I’m taking it with me into the present, and into my future.
I don’t want to have to wait five years to remind myself of who I am and who I could become. I’ve been really grateful for this writing habit of mine, because having a paper trail of my past thoughts and feelings have really reassured and reaffirmed who I am. So in case I ever forget, here are some reminders to any and every version of the future Kelly, digitized.
✻
reminder #1: one step after another
In our 20s, there are a lot of questions we’re asking and trying to navigate the answers to. What to do, where to live, who to spend time with, how to spend your time, are they the one, how to choose. The source of these anxieties only exist because of the alternatives we’re thinking through. What are all the lifetimes we want to live, which are more feasible, and is it possible to live them all in one? We are constantly optimizing for what the best path might be, to minimize regret and maximize joy.
This optionality, as I’ve written about in where the wind blows, is something I’ve decided I won’t find out the answers to until I just do things and recalibrate after. Sometimes you just have to make a decision, and have conviction in it, if not at least conviction in your ability to make it work. After all, is there even such a thing as the ‘right’ path? Or are there only paths you make right?
I’m starting to realize that maybe I don’t need to know all the answers. The answers can come overtime, they can be generated and rewritten as life goes on and I collect more data points on what I want for myself, what I like, what I don’t like, what feels true to myself.2
In a world of infinite choices, there are much more open paths as there are closed paths. You can do things on a timeline, you don’t need to know what that timeline is right away, you can extend your timeframe. I’m still so young, so what’s the rush?3 Overtime, most decisions take care of themselves. My worries won’t change my outcomes, but my actions will. No matter the choice, there will always be trade-offs. It’s how we deal with those decisions that make the difference.
reminder #2: back to the basics
In the chapter Subjunctive from Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives4, Eagleman details an afterlife scenario filled with versions of yourself based on different decisions made. In an afterlife filled with all the yous that could have been (for better or for worse), he writes “the more you fall short of your potential, the more of these annoying selves you have to deal with.”
While this serves as a haunting reminder of who you could’ve been and perhaps motivation to get there, I think there’s a certain beauty in realizing that maybe you don’t even want to be those versions of yourself. Instead of fixating on what are all the lives we want to live in this lifetime, I think we should be asking: what’s the life we want to live in every lifetime, in every universe? What am I enjoying currently and have enjoyed in the past (do more of this), and conversely what has made life draining (do less of this)?
Whenever I find myself caught up in the what-if’s, I find it comforting to frame life in this way. I could ruminate on whether I should take this job over another, live in a big city or a small town, pursue this or that hobby. I could grieve for lives that never existed or are no longer possible, and mourn for the experiences that can never be replicated in the same way again.
Or, I could go back to the basics. What is it about life that makes it worth living?
In every universe, I want my family by my side. In every universe, I want to experience sunny days playing spikeball barefoot on the grass, the crunching of leaves beneath my feet as seasons change, watching the sunset and being silly with friends, finding joy in the little things. I want to practice being present, to be in touch with myself, to be attune to my emotions and their impact on my surroundings. I want to be creating things. I want to wake up every day inspired by what I’m capable of, and I want to be surrounded by people who are mutually enabled to do the same.
Maybe it’d be less exhausting if instead of worrying all the time about what’s right, that I focus on what’s right in front of me—right here, right now.
reminder #3: embrace your gut feelings
There are stories I tell myself over and over again. Stories about my life, why I came to be where I am, what I enjoy, what I would like to do in the future. They’re stories I repeat not only to myself, but also to other people. At times, I’m unsure if the stories I spew are actually aligned with the person I am becoming or want to become, or if I’m just going through the motions of how the words roll off my tongue.
But sometimes, the stories click. They resonate with something deep inside me, the words just feel right. It is those stories that make me realize how ‘true’ something feels to me, how authentic it is. I might keep questioning over and over if that’s how I truly feel. But is it really a question? When it is so obvious how my heart sings and eyes light up when I speak about them?5
It’s a special feeling to have, when it feels like you’re experiencing magic. A moment that feels infinite—time stops, nothing else matters, and it’s like you’re on top of the world. It’s moments like these I return to when considering major life decisions.
These moments of resonance reveal to me my gut feelings. They're not just fleeting, rather they’re signs of alignment guiding and grounding me towards certain choices.
I’m confident about the decisions I make not because I necessarily believe in them, but because I believe in myself and my ability to make things work out.6 I might not know the probability of XYZ event occurring if I pursue ABC path, nor do I know the success rate of my choices.
What I do know though is at the end of the day, I am a mosaic of joys and sorrows over the last 22 years of my life. I’ve gone through hardships before, I’ve experienced the trials and tribulations, I might be navigating new seas in foreign territories but are they really so different? The water might be green and maybe it’ll stain my skin. But maybe I’ll just learn to love the colour green. I wear my heart on my sleeve and would much rather risk getting battered and bruised while giving things my 100%, than give things my half wearing a bulletproof vest. Bruises heal, but to deprive myself of a life I desire because I am afraid will end up hurting more than bullets ever could.
Pursuing these instincts doesn't mean we always know the outcome, but it does signal we're aligning our choices with our truest selves. At least this way, I’ll know that when I’ve made a decision, that it’s a good decision because it is me who made it. I’ve taken the time to get to know myself enough that my core values remain constant, my faith in them unshakeable.7
✻
“I don’t know if you need to hear this right now, but whatever you’re going through, just know that you’re worth it and loved...know that whichever path you took I’m sure it’s the best choice for the both of us.” — Me, from June 24th, 2019
Although I’ve shed my skin over and over during this last decade, it reassures me to know that underneath, there’s still the same girl. And there’s people who will stick with me and join along for the ride no matter how many more skins I shed in efforts to rebuild myself. Cycles of metamorphosis, hibernation and emergence. I feel like I’m on the cusp of another cycle, brimming with optimism again.
The sun will set, the moon will continue to rise, and life will go on. I too, shall continue to move forward. I can’t wait to see how I’ll evolve.
I’ve newly launched a page to independently support me! Not currently tied to any particular defined projects, more so an avenue for general support across multiple areas without me feeling iffy about monetizing specific hobbies. So if you’d like to support my writing and other independent endeavours, check out buymeacoffee.com/lychkel 🍵
a LONG life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹
it’s been over three months since my last post, so a lot has happened. the unfortunate part about waiting too long before posting an update is i tend to write in ways that describe recent moments or present sensations, which feel very authentic at the time they are writing them. however when i wait too long before i post it, it starts to feel less relevant which hinders my desire to keep it, thus being a bottleneck for new writing. regardless, i’ll do my best to recap what’s happening and where I’ve been:
ran my first 10k in 6 years in under an hour, which is way better than what I could’ve ever hoped for myself. crazy to me how my floor consistently begins to raise as i raise my ceiling
ran (as in organized) four events over three weeks in May, including:
another edition of design aesthetics
an experimental skill swap workshop for Soto
a 200+ person demo showcase (Soto Spotlight) where Tobi of Shopify (?!) surprised us by attending
an intimate and cozy powerpoint night with friends and strangers (we cried)
left Toronto
spent a week in SF (my first time!) for Config & other adventures
visited home in Vancouver for a month, saw family and friends, celebrated birthdays, grieved over a break-up, lived in my brother’s apartment to trial living alone, and hosted an experimental design jam just days before my flight back to Toronto (what is new)
moved back to Toronto
played super smash brothers ultimate as soon as i landed
in my last post I said I wanted to shift my focus to craft in June. well, craft-wise i finally launched a re-designed portfolio that really feels like *me* !!!! started to double down on the freelancing route, to view myself as a business and as such treating what i do more seriously, attempting to hone my admin and financial processes, currently happy and excited about the variety of client projects i’m working on every day :)
overall I’ve been feeling a lot of gratitude for the people in my life lately. A lot has been going on, and things have been a bit hectic to say the least, but if it wasn’t for my support systems I’m not sure how I’d be able to handle any of this. It truly takes a village. I feel very lucky to have the people in my life so willingly offer to help me move, refer me to clients/jobs, ease my worries, take care of me, spread positivity, support me through life changes big and small. I’ve spent so much of my life self-soothing that to be in an environment where I’m receiving so much love and support is wild to me, and I’m endlessly grateful. It reminds me how nothing else really matters when you’re spending time with people you love.
media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
i used to update these on my website before i re-launched, so figured i’d do them here instead!
k-dramas: finished summer strike, welcome to samdalri, lovely runner. loved all of them, lovely runner especially certainly deserved its hype. 11/10
music: i already know Tsunami by NIKI is going to be my favourite or atleast one of my favourites of the whole album even if Buzz isn’t dropping until friday. on bits of buzz (her tiktok series), I saw she cited tsunami as “giving libra.” as a libra this makes so much sense why i’ve had it on repeat now. i also really enjoy Say by Keshi (i know this is basic but genuinely why is it such a banger, i am so excited to be able to see both these artists LIVE very soon). I predict Buzz will particularly be a defining album for me, given NIKI’s description of it and its relevance to my life right now:
The album is called Buzz because it signifies that something is about to happen. The promise of something new, when it isn’t real yet, hangs rich and sweet in the air. That millisecond moment in time, suspended in vast suggestion, where there is every opportunity for a shift in trajectory. Small or seismic. You choose. – NIKI
books: unfortunately i have not been in my reading era…. making it a mission to get a tpl library card before the next newsletter
shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆
N and T for being awesome, absolute killers, fantastic lovely people I’m lucky to call some of my closest friends. my Toronto wouldn’t be the same without them.
My entire host team - ER, JG, SJ for pulling off the event we did
O and F for all the field trips
The Futureland 100-day challenge group for keeping me consistent with writing everyday
M, for continuing to ground me every week through our goal check-ins
Everyone I got to see in Vancouver, especially NG, JZ, and AJ for being real ones
Atelier too, esp KN, AK, CW for welcoming me home & supporting me
CW and DJ for collaborating with me in pulling off a design event last minute, propelling me to get my spark back
C, as always, for giving me feedback on this post :)
Felt like I had lost my spark in June and July, they were filled with worries and uncertainty across a myriad of life pillars and I can’t say they have been my favourite months of 2024 so far. But I don’t blame them, they were necessary struggles preceding the light I started to see at the tail end of July, and now we move onwards and upwards! Trust the process I guess, as some might say.
I am a big Escaping Flatlands enjoyer and Henrik happened to drop a new post last night right before I wanted to publish this piece, which I thought was so fitting. This design of doing things step by step can be described under the process of ‘unfolding’, which he unpacks lightly in aforementioned most recent essay (I loved this idea so much that I watched Ryan Singer’s in-depth summary video this morning on where it was taken from.) They elaborate more than I do, but the gist of it is we can focus on the bits and pieces and slowly watch them take shape, as well as how we can weave them together overtime, rather than deciding on a vision aka endpoint right away then figuring out how we fit our lives into those constraints. E.g. Exploring until a career path makes sense (a ‘fit’), vs. arbitrarily deciding then trying to pretend it works for you (trying to force context into form).
Highly rec this book (PDF linked), it’s a short 110-page fiction illustrating 40 different examples imagining various afterlife scenarios. I first read it honestly probably around 2019 as well. I find it hard to explain what makes the stories feel so magnetic and compelling but I remember it being an entertaining read, with Subjunctive always being a chapter that stood out to me. I know I argue against it in my piece, but standalone it has pushed me a lot.
This has been true whether it was when I debated between universities, pursuing design or business, staying in Vancouver or moving to Toronto, and even things like taste in media.
In fact I still don’t have a lease signed (shoutout E for letting me sublet still), and so technically I’m not quite locked in yet. Nothing is formally binding me to Toronto. It’s a tricky story to explain. And yet, my heart chooses it. When you’re not bound by external constraints, the things you choose to do suddenly have more weight because you’re making a statement that this is something intentional. You were not forced into this, no one is telling you to do this, you are simply doing it because you want to. These decisions reveal our hidden desires, imply what we value about life, and does all the talking. Actions are our greatest source of truth.
In terms of how I came to this point, I’ve touched on it a bit in little bets
Equation of this post;
2019 letter +“what’s the life we want to live in every lifetime, in every universe?” + the song you posted = a total vibe
This was great thank you for sharing.
This line was lovely: “The water might be green and maybe it’ll stain my skin. But maybe I’ll just learn to love the colour green.”