little bets
on building self-trust from first-hand experience
I used to heavily identify with being a ‘do-er.’ In one of my university application essays I was asked to list three words that people in my circle would use to describe me, and among them was do-er. This meant whatever I said I would do, I always followed through with it. I realized though this was only true when it came down to not disappointing other people.
In my executive positions with clubs and organizations, I tried so hard to be the perfect president, perfect VP, or perfect designer. I only ever followed through with my commitments when it meant not doing so would be of detriment to my teammates. My motivation for completing tasks was driven by fear of reputation loss; the fear that if I slipped up even once, it would be disingenuous, cause a disruptive rift in my identity, and disappoint others. I was so tunnel-visioned on not disappointing others that I began neglecting my personal life and goals, perhaps disappointing the very person that mattered most—myself.
I realized I was losing faith in accomplishing anything that solely involved myself. I was at a loss as to why this was the case, how I wouldn’t work on my portfolio or personal projects yet I would be bending over backwards for others. Upon reflection, this could be partially attributed to lack of value-alignment with my own projects, but I think the larger portion stemmed from my people-pleasing tendencies.
In my formative years, I was constantly told to “go big or go home” by mentors in my life whom I highly respected. They believed in me, so how could I let them down? But this well-intentioned mantra paralyzed me; it was like trying to climb a mountain without any footholds. While I’m a proponent of not settling for less, sometimes I think it can be discouraging when you shoot big only to be let down by your grandiose desires. It can often end up having the reverse effect: because you tried and failed, you’re subconsciously thinking you will fail if you try again and many people (including myself) are afraid of that. I had ambitious goals, but I didn’t have the confidence to meet them eye-to-eye.
It wasn’t until this past year or so where I decided to shift my mindset and work towards building more self-trust. Trust that I can do whatever I set out to do, because I have the agency to.
In order to shift my mindset, I needed evidence. I was inspired by this @visakanv twitter thread I read a few months ago. As a TLDR; it discusses verbalizing little commitments i.e. “I’m going to drink a glass of water,” then actually committing to its execution in order to build trust in yourself. This is something I struggle with a lot. Starting from Nix wrote that “building self trust is a product of keeping your promises to yourself.” I wanted to do the same—to make little promises that work towards building trust in my ability to do what I say I’ll do (motivated intrinsically, this time).
Ways I’m gaining self-trust:
Committing to 6k steps daily, working my way up to 10k
Intentionally putting myself in situations where I could fail or look stupid
Going to the gym when I say I’ll go to the gym
Doing something immediately after saying I’ll do it
Actually listening to music recommendations or reading articles people send me
Writing this blogpost after telling C I was going to start writing again
I want to continue doing this to show myself I can do what I said I will do. To show up for myself by achieving little wins.
I see this as progressively overloading my goals until I’m at a point where I’m eventually shooting at the moon—and landing there. When you see someone at the gym squatting two plates, it’s not like that’s how they started. Everyone starts off with lower weights, or no weight at all. If I want to write a novel, a screenplay, start a youtube channel, or write my case studies, I have to first show myself I can do the little steps inbetween to make any real progress. I need to take little bets on myself. After all, how could I possibly have enough faith in myself to become a writer if I can’t even finish one blog post?
A recent example of when I feared failure was at a concert, where the artist asked if anyone wanted to come on stage to sing. I hesitated raising my hand, fearing I’d make a fool of myself unprepared. But someone else took the offer, and I regretted missing my opportunity since. So in my Anthropology class the other day, I volunteered to mock interview someone else in front of the class without any prior preparation. And you know what? It went great, and I don’t think anyone remembers what I said or looked like while I was coming up with these questions impromptu.
It showed me there isn’t any real danger with putting yourself out there. You’re not in any physical danger is something I want to drill into my head more often, which failing can feel like at times. The alarm bells in me ring with worry as if I was alone in the wilderness. But at the end of the day I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and people around me, so what am I so scared for?
When you have self-trust, self-esteem soars. As much as there is nervousness, there’s also comfort in knowing you are capable of doing anything. An “I’ve done it before, I can do it again” framing. Betting on yourself is done in confidence rather than a bluff, because you’ve shown yourself consistently that you can do it. Thus, confidence in being able to achieve something similar grows.
I’ve moved across the country before, I can do it again.
I’ve performed well under pressure before, I can do it again.
I’ve gotten great opportunities before, I can get them again.
I’ve loved before, so I can love again.
You’ve done it before, you can do it again. How can you fail, when it’s you? When you’ve proven time and time again to yourself, that you’re capable and you can do it?
I have this last quote saved in my Notion, and re-reading it never fails to strike a chord within me. I think it’s hard to internalize something like this when you haven’t really proven to yourself it’s possible. But throughout 2022, I was able to accomplish a lot of what I could have only dreamed of. By proving to myself I can do it with little things, I’m now feeling ever-so-slightly more confident in my abilities and have faith in doing the so-called impossible.
Just consciously repeating these to myself and building this habit of showing up has significantly improved my mindset and state of being. It’s the fact that now, no matter what situation I encounter, I can apply the same underlying logic of knowing I trust myself enough to take on any challenge. They may come in different levels, but the foundation is still there. And if a challenge is at a level I deem beyond what I’ve built enough self-trust for, well, I’ll just have to put myself in enough similar situations until I get there.
If you want to start showing up for yourself too, here’s what I’ve learned on my journey:
Start stupidly small
The whole point of self-trust is being able to trust your words, and the simplest way to do that is by making promises to yourself easy to commit to–and I mean extremely easy that it almost seems silly. If you want to write more: write ten words a day instead of one hundred. To exercise more: Commit to putting on your runners and athletic clothes first. Every time I didn’t want to go to the gym, at some point I made a promise to atleast put on my gym clothes then see how I felt. 9 times out of 10 I ended up going anyways. The point is to just get in the habit of starting and succeeding at the little steps, before upgrading to the next level (progressive overload!). The timeline of when you move on is up to your discretion, my litmus is generally based on how confident I feel in my consistency.
Verbalize your commitments, then execute them immediately
Speak aloud what you are going to do before you are going to do it, whether it’s to yourself or someone else. Layering this on top of the previous tip, make it small. When you do this repeatedly overtime, it helps you recognize your agency.
Discover your ‘why’
I want to show up myself because when I do I feel more whole, more fulfilled, more me. And when I show up for myself, I can better show up for the people I care about. Why do you want to show up for yourself?
Find an accountability partner/group
Accountability works. I call M every week to talk about our goals, check-in, and keep each other accountable. We’ve been doing this consistently for two years and it’s been great to see our progression with what sorts of goals we set and what’s realistic for us, and has been a huge factor in establishing my self-trust. Additionally, one of the most comforting aspects of being able to achieve what I have and knowing I’ll be able to achieve what I want to is the incredible support system I have along the way.
Be compassionate to yourself, but don’t make excuses
It’s okay to slip up. There are days where I’m not hitting 10k steps or didn’t go to the gym like I promised myself to. I don’t beat myself up for it so long as the reason was genuine and I get back on routine the next day. But if I notice I start using the notion of forgiving myself as a premise for making excuses, then I take a holistic look at my habits, analyze them to find the root cause of my excuse, and see how I can recalibrate to make them work for me so I’m not making excuses anymore (i.e. go back to the first tip and make the commitment even smaller).
Special thanks to Christina, Jacky, and Maggie for helping bring this post to life.
This is my first post in a year, after attempting to kickstart this newsletter in 2022. I was never good with daily/weekly challenges, which I guess is why I’m trying so hard to build self-trust now. So if this resonated with you, let me know! What are you doing or will be doing to build self-trust? In what ways will you be showing up for yourself? I’d love to chat in the comments or via email/twitter @kellyhychong :)
life recently
I’ve been in Seoul, South Korea for almost two months now on exchange and am just so in awe every single day I’m here. Sometimes I miss home, and then I take a trip down to Yeouido where I enjoy some live busking along the Han River, and suddenly I’m reminded life is good. I do really miss food in Vancouver though—eating vegetarian is almost impossible here :’)
Some highlights: the aforementioned busking, breaking my first board in taekwondo, exploring palaces in Korean hanboks, Gaho concert, hiking Gwanaksan mountain, photobooths, cafe hopping, yoga, finding K-drama filming locations, and meeting amazing people I’m grateful to call my friends
A little late reflection but 2022 was the best year of my life - got the most opportunities, and funding from them helped me to experience travels on my own for the first time which has come with its own set of joys and life lessons. I also leaned into being around people more (as an introvert at heart), and loving it (shocker!). I realize the people I care for most are the people who helped me realize the parts of me I never thought to grow, or have never tried to unpack.
