foundations

legos & seeing clearly

There are 516 pieces in the Polaroid OneStep SX-70 Camera lego set. I haven’t built a lego set since the fourth grade, and here I am carving a few hours out of my day to piece together this set I was gifted¹ for my birthday.

I would put together pieces only for them to be covered by future pieces on top, their presence felt but never seen again on the surface. Yet, I know their invisibility is what keeps the structure alive. Each piece playing a dutiful role in making the set complete.

It reminds me how in a digital world of cmd+z and cmd+y, copy and paste, I’m spoiled by my medium to be able to quickly iterate.

But with the physical medium? It’s a slow labour of love where I can clearly see brick by brick how things are foundational to each other, how things depend on each other to function, how the vision unfolds slowly and overtime. The physicality of it makes me appreciate the beauty of permanence. Unlike my usual digital canvas, making a mistake or skipping a step requires genuine effort to undo, sometimes requiring a complete restart.

Constructing a lego set is also a pain to move, I’d have to be careful not to break it or else I’d have to build it all over again. For me, it’s a significant symbol of building my life here in Toronto, enough so that I can have trinkets littered around my room without worry of how I’d have to pack them up later. It feels as good as having stocked food in the pantry, to have seasoning bottles that will take me forever to use up, because it means I will be in one place for a long time. 

It’s funny how I needed a lego set to remind me of this. I’ve accumulated a few more since.

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towards seriousness

It’s getting colder. I have to check the weather everytime I go out now, put on my matcha green puffer or grey pilled trench coat. The days are shorter, it’s dark everytime I walk home from volleyball. The crisp air keeps me awake. My breath comes out in visible puffs as I navigate what is now a familiar route home from volleyball, getting strange looks from passerbys as I’m clad in only a t-shirt (I’m always way too warm after playing).

Yet, I find myself hopeful. It feels like the city is going to sleep this time of year, but I want to do nothing more than accelerate. I want to blossom, flourish, bloom, thrive. I’ve been thinking about what it means to rise to one’s true potential, to accelerate towards the person you’re meant to be. How to unlock that not only in myself, but in others.

I think physical change can have a significant impact on personal growth. I dyed my hair recently and to me, it’s really a marker of my winter era. For me, accelerating during winter isn’t about locking myself up all day in service of a greater goal. I know that’s just not how I operate. I believe deeply in the principle of resting in motion², to move forward different aspects of my life on a daily rather than trying to finish everything in one go and believing that is what will fix me. I still would like to see my friends! I would like to play volleyball, I would like to go out. In fact, I think doing these things will help me get to my goals faster.

In exactly two weeks I’ll be headed to Europe with friends for the holidays.³ I’ll be away from Toronto for a while as I’m headed straight home after to spend some time with family, so I want to use every opportunity I have now to crack down on my goals and get serious.⁴

building clearer days

I’ve been realizing that everything I do needs to be in service of achieving a clearer mind, that my state of optimal being is when I can see things clearly. When I am messy, when it’s foggy and full of clutter, even basic tasks feel incredibly difficult. It is only when I am clear, that I can move forward and quickly and there is so little resistance. I simply move through my tasks, without agonizing over if it is a task I need to do, without forcing myself to do it.

As such, it’s important for me to ensure I’m in a base state where clarity can be achieved. Eating right, sleeping well, keeping a consistent exercise routine, keeping my space neat. A clear space really does make for a clear mind.

People say that when you lose track of the days that time is going by so quickly, it means you’re living a really busy life.

I find the opposite to be the case for me. I think when I don’t know what day it is, that means every day is the same. I usually know what day it is based on the things that happened. So, if nothing happens or I do nothing but lie in bed all day, that day just goes by in history having no meaning to me. I want everyday to contain such magical moments I can’t help but remember them. I want one week to feel like four. 

When I don’t know what day it is, it means the days are blending, and I don’t want them to be blurry. I want them to be clear, cleanly cut. I want to remember them frame by frame. I want to see the memories in 60fps. I want to see the world in 4K.

When I am engaged in something deeply, when I am in flow, when I care and am attentive — time doesn’t fly by. Time simply, is. 

some things i am trying

There are a few different components to my winter arc. One being research, where I would like to focus on studying deeply & consuming thoughtfully. Topics ranging from design to self-improvement. My other pillars are: play/community, business, and health. There is also a side art project I would like to complete by the end of the year, I am continuing to build up a little creative co-working community here in Toronto, and I would like to update my portfolio and strategize for my freelance business to gear up for the new year.

My friend T has recently put me on talking to Claude in order to unblock any problems I am currently facing, and to help with overall clarity in life. In fact, in putting together my plans for my winter era, I’ve been talking to Claude to simulate a brain trust of high performing women leaders⁵, combined with historical data of how I like to operate and how I know I best work in terms of routine and energy levels, to craft the best plan for me.

1. I protect my mornings; they are non-negotiable

   • I’ve come to realize that a key aspect of starting my day right and rewiring my brain is not reaching for a dopamine hit right away (social media). Overtime, I’ve tended to forget this and I feel like recently I’ve had a routine of just reaching for my phone first thing in the morning.

   • Right now and atleast for the next two weeks, however, my routine is as follows: wake up, text good morning to the homies, get up, make breakfast and read while eating, get straight to writing. 3-4 hours of deep work on my most important task of the day. I tend to everything else after.

2. I play volleyball 3x a week and make sure I am never hungry

   • It turns out that wow, eating well and moving your body and drinking water really does make a huge difference. I’ve never been the type to skip lunch because I was so engrossed in my work, I’ve learned that I need to eat. As such, I make it a point to keep my pantry stocked with food I can easily prepare and I know fuels me, rather than defaulting to UberEats or going out to eat too often. The food I eat affects my mood and energy levels, so I want to make sure I am giving my body what it needs to do my best work and live my best life.

3. I’ve been trying to be less of a planner. To be someone who simply executes, then reiterates after.

   • We’ve come a long way since my first blogpost. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of how preparation will beat planning, every time. Planning demands exactness and order. Preparation carves room for flexibility, holds space for the chaos that life inevitably brings about.

   • I spent most of my life planning such that things would happen the way I wanted them to happen, to a T. I’ve learned in more recent years that you will never be 100% ready for anything.⁶ Following my reminders to myself in right here, right now, I’m consciously trying to do more without overthinking it, and recalibrate after.

4. I’m reading when I eat

   • I’ve always felt this urge to watch something while I eat. No matter what it was, a show I was watching or a random youtube video. But now, I like to use the time I’m eating to catch up on any articles I’ve been meaning to read or making progress on my books. Alternatively, if I do want to watch something, I want it to be the multiples of design videos I have in my Watch Later playlist, so that I am still learning while I am eating. This isn’t a super hard or fast rule, but I like to do this for atleast 2/3 meals of the day.

I realize none of these are exactly novel, and I’m sure I’ve attempted all of them at various points in my life. “You always do this,” C laughs over our weekly catch-up when I tell her about my 2-week gameplan. “Remember in May when you wanted to redesign your portfolio?” She's right—my pattern of setting ambitious short-term goals every season is almost predictable at this point. But something feels different this time around, and I am optimistic about it.

✻

As I place the final piece on my Lego camera, I think about how different this feels from my usual rush to completion. There's something meditative about accepting that some pieces need to be hidden to make the whole structure work, just as some parts of growth happen beneath the surface. I'm laying down the bricks of my life here in Toronto, piece by piece, not always knowing what additional blocks will fall on top. But unlike before, I'm not trying to see the entire finished product. Perhaps there's a beauty in simply trusting that each piece, when placed with intention, will eventually reveal something whole. There’s a certain beauty in the unknown, and I’m staying to see what unfolds.

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this post might feel more brain-dumpy than usual, and that’s because i’ve tried not to overthink and re-edit this piece too much and just wanted to focus on getting it out. in the spirit of make more, care less, i just want to write and release right now.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

• i turned 23 c: so so so so sooo lucky and grateful to have so many friends support me and make toronto a place to call home, the vision i had and what ended up coming to life was beyond my expectations

• I SAW SEVENTEEN LIVE IN NEW YORK!!! <3 my favourite group i have been following since 2015. yes i am obsessed and no i will not stop

• I visited new york for the second time and it was a refreshing period of getting to see friends old and new. Visited holiday markets, corporate offices, played volleyall, bookbinded a journal from scratch!

• got sick immediately after new york :( was stuck at home for a week but better now!

• I’ve been upping my volleyball reps to 3x a week, and it’s been amazing. Starting to feel more confident in my sport though still much to learn

• meeting more volleyball friends!

• fried rice tournament

• stripe press pop-up

• i have got to stop fighting what naturally runs through my veins. for me, i realized that is hosting. i feel alive everytime I host. recently been experimenting with hosting a creative co-working community called Mosaic on Sundays with my friends, dm me for details if you want to attend the next one :)

• i’ve really been loving my friends recently (not to say i don’t always love my friends, but i feel like recently life has just been so abundant with love for the homies and everything they’re trying to achieve). I used to think that the reason my calendar was always so packed with hangouts was because I was always travelling back and forth, such that I always had people I needed to catch up with before I left. I thought my social interactions were dependent on me leaving. But, it turns out that my social interactions exist because of me. Because people want to hang out with me, no matter if I’m leaving or just coming back. They want to hang out with me still even if they saw me yesterday. And that makes me feel very lucky. When I don’t see my friends for more than a few days, it feels like I haven’t seen them forever.

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• I started watching Culinary Class Wars with C while I was in New York and we were so emotive every episode… I came home and binged the rest of it over two days. It helped that I was sick in bed and couldn’t do much else

• in general this past month mostly been listening to SEVENTEEN as both concert prep and post-concert withdrawals. I also have just been listening to a ton of lofi, and a little bit of Christmas music as early holiday spirit. Also discovered this really tranquil song called Swim by Dasom that I somehow feel really drawn to

• I finally got a tpl library card!!! Haven’t picked up anything haha but at the Stripe Press pop-up I picked up a copy of Get Together and the Making of Prince of Persia. currently starting with Get Together :)

• S2 of Arcane….. pure art

• Recent online pieces I’ve enjoyed:

  • Bill Watterson’s (author of Calvin & Hobbes) commencement speech at Kenyon College

  • Vincent Huang’s conversations on communication

  • Another Henrik Karlsson banger, Authenticity as dialogue

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• my hometown best friends L + N for helping throw me the best birthday ever <3 (+ N for flying over from Vancouver just for the weekend.. I am so blessed!)

• M, H, and T of LBFC for all the laughter and stories

• JvC who I met through a mutual friend, and found out he has a gym in his apartment for volleyball. he let me come in and bring a friend to get quality reps in and now I really want to live in that building just for volleyball LOL

• Josiah, someone I came across once at one of my vball drop-ins, who presented a team captain presence without anyone ever asking, but not in any sort of obnoxious way, rather a gentle and kind way. He took it upon himself to figure out what everyone’s positions should be and in what lineup, gave the loudest cheers after every point and made sure to go out of his way to high five every single member, and took accountability for anything he felt he made a mistake on too. Was very inspiring to see :)

• Andrei for playing volleyball with me and coaching my hits/serves

• Keyan for playing volleyball with me

• Mayank for playing volleyball with me

• Literally anyone and everyone that has played volleyball with me, willing to talk about volleyball with me, who has helped me in volleyball

• Taha of Daybreak for providing me an avenue to bring people together

• jammy jams for good morning texts + inspiring me

1. Shoutout Kelindi & Omar <3

2. I come back to this article atleast once every year, it has become my #1 operating principle in life.

3. Paris, London, and Lisbon! Back in Vancouver for christmas and a bit :)

4. It’s no secret I really love volleyball. Volleyball is a non-negotiable for me, I practically build my life around it. Right now, I’m using these 2 weeks to figure out how I can be as serious about my craft and career as I am volleyball.

5. I specifically wanted it to be women leaders because I think there can be a lot missing if you try to replicate the habits or plans of someone that really are not going through the same experiences you are, whether it’s biologically, culturally, economically, etc. If there’s one reminder I’ve been getting every 28 days for the last decade or so of my life, it’s that I can feel like I’m on top of the world one week, and the next it can feel like everything is crashing down. Instead of fighting against my nature, I’m choosing to work with it. Some time ago I stopped using the term ‘time-management’ and started using the term ‘energy-management’ instead, and now I’d like to learn a little more about cycle management.

6. Isabel has written a great piece on this