over & over
happy thanksgiving ✧･ﾟ♡: a love letter to volleyball
This is a post about gratitude, obsession, growth, persistence, love, and above all, volleyball.
ハイキュー!! from Haikyu!! OST
In the past month, I’ve gone through several volleyball-induced injuries. When I pulled my quad, I kept going to games regardless of the pain because it felt like every day that I could play volleyball was worth it. It was never fully healed each time I played though, so unsurprisingly it kept flaring up. I eventually stopped to allow it to heal, but then I rolled my ankle almost immediately after, which set me back by another week. The waiting period sucks. I want to play. I want to play so badly. I want to get those touches in, I want to feel the ball contact the palm of my hand if even for a split second so desperately. I’m itching to play, I crave it.
You know how when you’re sick, and you take for granted what it was like to be healthy? You suddenly hold a greater appreciation for all the times you’re able to breathe properly through your nose, or how you didn’t have a headache all the time. In those moments, it’s easy to feel like you will never take your health for granted again afterwards. But after a moment, we forget again until the next time we’re sick.
Injuries are similar. I so desperately want to play volleyball, and now that I’m injured I feel sad that I didn’t get to play as much volleyball as I wanted when I had prime time to. If anything though, every single time I almost get seriously injured, I thank my lucky stars it wasn’t worse. I feel grounded in my reality, how lucky I am to be in the very circumstances I once dreamed of having. I’m reminded to not take my ability to breathe and walk (literally) on this planet for granted. In those moments when injury takes me off the court, I find gratitude. I’m trying not to forget that. This is my reminder to hold onto the times I can play a little tighter.
where it started
Looking back, this passion didn’t come out of nowhere.
It was a slow burn that started in grade seven, where I played volleyball for the first time and immediately fell in love with the sport. It was strange, I was terrible at it. Yet I somehow felt incredibly drawn to it, whereas I had tried ballet, swimming, basketball, badminton, soccer, and didn’t find a love for any of them. When I got to high school however, I chickened out. I think I was just super intimidated by the girls and guys on our school volleyball teams. In my eyes, it felt like all the people playing volleyball were all the popular kids, and I didn’t identify as one.
I didn’t muster the courage to tryout until grade 11, and even then didn’t make it onto the roster. However, I stubbornly went to practice everyday anyways until the coach eventually let me on the team. While I got an official number, every time we had a game I was benched. When they put me on, I was on for one point before getting benched again. I felt defeated. Every time I was benched, I felt it was deserved because I just wasn’t as good as the other girls and was convinced I would never be.1
Instead, the follow year I transitioned to playing ultimate frisbee and loved it. I was also decently good. I was friends with people who played, I felt like I belonged in the community, and so I played ultimate intramurals all throughout university. While I still love ultimate now, in the back of my mind volleyball still clawed at me. I started learning and loving Spikeball throughout the pandemic as well, which I think was a signal of how much I loved the mechanics of volleyball. Both my older brothers also play, and when I tried playing with them earlier this year I realized how much I wanted to get better at it. So this year I started diving in—I wanted to be serious.
i think this sport is my lifeline
The court is one of the few places where it feels like I can be fully present. When I’m on the court, it’s like time stops. Everything else melts away—stress, notifications, drama, dilemmas. All my focus is on the game.
When you’re playing a game like volleyball, you have to be focused. You cannot afford distraction. Glance away for a split second and the ball whizzes by you, or you end up blocking with your face. This intensity of focus and attention feels obvious and tangible with sports, yet when it comes to my own career and ambition it takes a lot more energy to filter through distraction. What’s 10 more minutes of scrolling? What’s the harm in adding just one more thing to my plate? Volleyball is great in grounding me, to bring me back to reality and serve as a reminder to clarify what I deem important.
In these ways and many more, volleyball to me parallels life. To love is to risk loss. To be obsessed requires sacrifice. I keep getting hurt by this sport, so why do I still love it? Why do I love in spite of it?
Obviously I don’t want to get seriously injured. And of course I’m afraid. But I would rather keep playing with the chance of getting hurt, than to have never experienced. I would rather learn to bike and fall many times throughout the journey, than to never try due to its potential dangers.
Though at the same time, I recognize I would rather give up something I love for two weeks, one month, or even three, than give it up forever which is what might’ve ended up happening had I kept pushing myself through my injuries mentioned earlier. Injuries are, in a way, signposts—they indicate I’m pushing my limits, exploring the edges of what I can do. The ache I feel now will make me a smarter player tomorrow. Each time I get hurt I learn a bit more about how to care for and strengthen my body, so that I can keep going for longer, and with more intensity.
There are side effects of volleyball that cascade positively into all areas of my life: my mental clarity, emotional regulation, productivity, health & nutrition.2 I’m motivated to manage my time well and finish work so that I can go play volleyball. It demands training and eating well in order to be in great playing conditions. This is wonderful! Whereas before I may have found it easy to make an excuse for skipping the gym, now I have this script in my head telling me I expose myself to a higher chance of injury when I don’t go to the gym or do my mobility exercises.3 That means anywhere from a week to months of no gameplay. And that terrifies me.4 It’s so depressing not being able to play your sport. It’s sudden, it’s shocking, it’s whiplash, it’s heartbreaking. Something you were so familiar with and was intertwined in your life for so long is suddenly no longer there, and there’s not much you can do about it other than wait, really. To play again, I need to respect the healing process. This applies to both ailments of the body and heart.
progress > perfection; process > results
When I play volleyball, I’m ecstatic about being the worst player in the room. I feel absolutely thrilled playing with people 10x better than me, in fact I feel honoured.5 I learn way faster, and it shows me what’s possible if I stick with the sport for a long time. I want to be like them! I’m not a great player by any means. After all, I only started seriously learning and playing the sport this year. We all start somewhere. It’s tempting to feel like I’m “behind” just because I didn’t play in high school nor university. But the thing about volleyball is that it doesn’t just make you want to improve—it makes you hungry to.
“It is in those times when you get up early and you work hard, those times you stay up late and you work hard. Those times when you don’t feel like working. You’re too tired. You don’t want to push yourself, but you do it anyway.” — Kobe Bryant
A volleyball is so honest. It gives you real-time feedback; if it’s not going where you want it to go it means something needs to change about your positioning, form, or both. It teaches you how to get along with it, as well as how to annoy it. So this is how a good receive should feel / this is the sound a perfect toss should make / this was a good hit, that one was not. Moments like those are so magical to me. You’re rarely going to get a perfect pass/set/hit, and for every 100 I might get one really great one in. But when you contact the ball and it just feels right? I’m chasing that feeling every time.
I’m not sure when I will consider myself a great volleyball player, but I know I will eventually get there so long as I keep playing. In volleyball, the only way out is through—you just can’t shortcut the reps. I know if I want to get better, I need to practice. I could watch as many tutorials and get tips from players as I want but that won’t matter if I’m not applying them, the sooner the better. Every mistake is a stepping stone to greatness. How can I lose, as long as I’m learning? The same is true with most skills in life.
✻
Volleyball is a vessel for my ambition. It reminds me I have capacity to be obsessed, shows me what it takes and what it’s like to be utterly obsessed with what I do and what life has to offer. The court is where I learn how to live outside of it.
To work hard, to fail, to get up, and to do it all over again—until the ball hits the ground, we haven’t lost yet. I dive, tumble, lunge, and jump in ways that may look a bit silly, but I never feel that way. Instead, I feel liberation. Thank god, I think. The ball made it over the net, or it got to my teammates safe and sound. I did it.
And I’ll do it again. I’ll chase the ball a thousand times. No, a million times. Throughout this lifetime, the next, and all the ones thereafter.
Because if I’m not giving my 100%, then what’s the point?
If I don’t dive headfirst into the things I love, what’s the point?
If I’m not having fun, what’s the point?
If volleyball has given me more than I could have ever expected for myself, then in return I will give it everything I have—over and over again.
life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹
phew… it’s been busy! just like that, another month or two in toronto has gone by and it simultaneously feels like i’ve been here forever while also feeling like i just got back
this blogpost has reached your eyes much later than i would’ve liked… i feel like i talked about this last post where with each increasing time gap between my posts it feels like the things i say are no longer relevant to what i’m currently experiencing, which perpetuates this cycle of me feeling like i can’t post my writing because i don’t resonate with it anymore or i’ve skipped some lore in the timeline and i want to update everyone with everything that i was thinking in the time we’ve last spoke…. but i’ve decided that is simply just not happening! i would like to take on the mindset instead that i should just post whatever whenever without feeling like it has to be a certain quality. as M tells me, this substack is for me.
august and september were filled with lots of work in the best way possible. my largest volume of inquiries.. i feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to have had so many exciting opportunities come my way! so much so that i’ve had to gather a small team to help me out with some work at times, and that i’m even a bit overwhelmed sometimes with the volume of it all (a good problem to have, compared to June Kelly who was stressed about not having enough work). i jokingly say i need to stop being reached out to but honestly, it’s just that i’m so grateful! please do not shy away from sending them my way, i will do what I can :)
highlights:
beyblade tournament
seeing lots of friends, old and new, feeling warmly welcomed to my chosen home :)
tacos & arjun’s off the record event at 535studio
volleyball!
sunset and morning runs by the waterfront
colde concert
trying rosie’s burger’s banana pudding for the first time - 9/10
honest and also ridiculously banterful conversations with friends, genuine belly laughter i haven’t experienced in what seems like a long time
co-working at myfriends dot studio
trying professional photography for (basically) the first time, and having an unexpected modelling sidequest
NIKI CONCERT for the 3rd time
jam in the park with friends <3
celebrating birthdays of all my libra friends
cyanotype workshop at myfriends[dot]studio (ig)
finished the 100 days of writing challenge on Futureland
new builds (a hackathon my friend T ran)
a cozy friendsgiving dinner hosted by my friend H
i turn 23 in one week and oddly enough unlike many other years, I feel like I’m at a point where I’m actually ready to step into a new year of me. When I was 21 I really did not want to turn 22 because it felt like time being in my youth was running out (i know, pretty ridiculous given how young I actually am). When I was 19 I was scared to turn 20 because I wasn’t sure what came next for me. I was afraid of new at the time. Now, I welcome it. I’m not sure what it is about 23, but it’s making me feel like it will be yet another year of discovery for me, and subsequently a year of maturity and and growing into the person I want to be. I can’t wait.
i’m headed to new york from oct 26-30! if you’re around, say hi and let’s meet up <3
media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
august & september 2024
k-dramas/anime: finished watching love next door (slow at times but still enjoyed and loved by the end) and serendipity’s embrace; also, i’ve been rewatching haikyu which has played a large factor in firing up my love for volleyball this season. this also explains the large amount of haikyu references throughout this piece
films: i watched Dìdi and How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies and cried bucketloads!!!!!!!! I don’t have much to say other than i recommend especially if you can resonate with the background of these characters (personally, any film with an asian grandma really cuts deep for me), though warning you may feel unwell after
music: i was right from my newsletter last month, it was truly a buzz autumn (buzz album by NIKI!) favourites include: buzz, tsunami, focus, heirloom pain, magnets, strong girl, DYLHITM. but really actually i love all of them. also wave to earth’s 3rd album released and i love play with earth as well as beck ! not to mention keshi’s Requiem…. i was revived after kiss me right finally dropped. alongside my haikyuu rewatch arc i’ve also been listening to the haikyuu OST. lastly as I am releasing this post, SEVENTEEN’s newest mini-album came out!!! all my faves dropping hit after hit this autumn :’)
books: unfortunately i did not get a tpl card like i promised last newsletter…but i DID buy two books at a bookstore i found near my place! reading All About Love by bell hooks and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman (yes I still hadn’t read it yet). the month has been a bit packed with work and a bit slow with reading but I’ll get there!
shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆
C + S for our semi-weekly catchups and their willingness to listen
V + P for being so down to embark on any adventures I ask to explore
V for playing volleyball with me :)
Y for inviting me to various adventures and gatherings
MN for all the relatable conversations and support (side note but as i am increasingly grateful for different people in my life i am realizing many share the same initial… maybe i shall upgrade to full initials in documenting them if there is no clear context surrounding their initial)
my roommates J + F for making my life indoors feel a little less lonely
Unnamed setter at my volleyball drop-ins who, in response to me apologizing for flopping my hits, says “What? Don’t be sorry. I’ll get any second ball, because I want you to swing. We’ll keep going until you get the next one.”
The convenor at one of my drop-ins who gave me quad stretches to do
Another guy from drop-ins who gave me the entire downtown Toronto volleyball drop-ins schedule and advice on which ones to go to
Girl who was also named Kelly at one of my drop-ins for giving me tips on overhand serving
L, N, and the jammy jams homies for being homies
myfriends.studio for having such a lovely space to be welcomed into
everyone who reached out to me with opportunities, thank you <3
I’m much less harsh on myself now! I just lacked self-confidence at the time, from a lack of tangible feedback loops (which I talk about in little bets)
I tend to get really emotional, hence this romanticized blogpost for a sport that’s been around for ages. There are times where I am grieving and feel that I need to drop everything in order to be okay again, even sometimes use it to excuse my behaviour. While I think this can be very valid and even necessary for proper healing, I think there are definitely times where I in fact am using my grief as an excuse rather than something I am genuinely experiencing and sitting with. Whenever I play volleyball though, I reset. If I make a mistake? I mope about it for maybe one second before moving on because you can’t afford to regret anything mid-game. “I’ll just get the next one” is always the mindset to have. Every time I’m coming home after I play, the walk home always feels a bit shorter. I feel lighter. My worries feel smaller. I dream bigger.
You could argue going to the gym can also get you injured, but the gym is something I’m much more familiar with in terms of understanding what will cause injury, compared to volleyball which I am new to. My body is still adjusting to the high impact explosive movements, so I need to get myself in the best shape possible to adapt to it.
My brother had to get shoulder surgery after dislocating his shoulder in volleyball, and I’m pretty sure he couldn’t play for about half a year. I would never wish that upon my worst rival.
I’ve come a long way since high school in terms of mindset. Feels really surreal to have grown in this way; I used to be so shy about being the worst player in the room but now I embrace it. Also worth noting I say “worst” as somewhat of an exaggeration, I more so am just trying to illustrate I enjoy playing in rooms of people I can learn from, and that often means playing at levels one+ above where I am so it’s not always a terribly huge skill gap.