insatiable
an all-you-can-eat buffet with a twist
(light tw: eating disorders)
I used to have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food. In my family home, there was always a plethora of snacks available. ‘Food’ that wasn’t actually fulfilling, that was cheap yet incredibly tantalizing. I couldn’t help myself. Although I wasn’t hungry, I would mosey down into the kitchen, eat ‘just one’ chocolate or one biscuit, and before you know it I’d wake up surrounded by wrappers. This wasn’t a one-off thing either, it was a recurring pattern. I was immensely upset with myself for it, and frustrated with how I couldn’t seem to change. I didn’t feel good in the slightest.1
My struggle was rarely with eating more, it was with stopping after I was full.
Something I constantly had to remind myself of was that the food will always be there.
“I could go up and get a salad. Then a baguette, then a pizza. Why do I feel the need to put it all on one plate?” ~ Just a Tip with Megan Batoon Podcast, “The Last Episode"
My relationship with food parallel to how I choose to spend my time and energy.
What do I wanna taste? What will not only satiate, but nourish me? What are the high-protein equivalents of life opportunities?2 What will make me so full because of all the intentional ingredients poured into it?
In the past, I would forget I’m full and keep adding things to my plate (or I would know I’m full yet do it anyways), but they weren’t always things that were good for me. They occasionally upset my stomach. They were the kinds of items I added because someone else encouraged me to eat more3, forced their recommendations onto me, or to whom I felt obligated to eat in front of because, well, they baked those cookies themselves!
It’s people you feel guilty for saying no to; blockers disguised as good opportunities. Looking around, I don’t think my peers were all that different. In a society that rewards overeating, the pursuit of fullness means your plate is never cleared. Busy is synonymous with productivity, and productivity is synonymous with success.
The first few times people see potential in you, it can feel like you have to take every opportunity you’re offered. And the first few times you’re doing that, the payoff is usually pretty good since you’re just getting started, and you’re immensely grateful. But as you get increasingly good at what you do, more people will start paying attention. And more people will start demanding your time.
Similarly, my dearest friend M also wrote this reminder to me a few years ago:
These days I still keep forgetting I’m full, and keep adding things to my plate, but this time the foods are different. The yolks topple over buttered English muffins, hollandaise sauce spilling out the sides, every surface area of ceramic covered with an assortment of fruit, salad, and cheese (with of course, proteins at the base!). Suddenly, I love to eat. I LOVE EATING!! Where I once gazed upon the items laid out before me and felt guilt, taunt, and overwhelm—these days I look up from my plate and feel so lucky to indulge in foods that nourish me. Foods that motivate me to be better. Foods that connect me to so many wonderful people.
Now, I face a different issue: I’m at an all-you-can-eat buffet where the menu is comprised of all my favourite foods. How do I choose, when everything feels fulfilling and worthwhile and meaningful to pursue? A good problem to have!
I was talking to A about this the other day:
It’s a really, really good problem to have. It’s not something I can easily carve definite solutions for, and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to. It will keep presenting itself in different forms, under different flavours, and I will have to update old recipes.
Though once again, I can remind myself, the food will always be there. While some foods might have expiry dates, for the most part there are still many other nourishing foods that I know will still be around, I just might have to save them for next season’s rotational menu. And who knows, by that time I might feel they’ve lost their decadence as my taste expands and evolves. But that’s okay! Endless foods to discover.
I am so, so full right now. But man, am I also hungry for more.
In hindsight, I know this stemmed from previous self-imposed restriction: a rewired brain and body from constant clocking of calories-in and calories-out. Sometimes when the world feels cruel and the days are long and heavy, it feels like I’ve lost all progress. But I’m happy to say most days now, I find joy in what I eat, I intuitively know when I’m full and can stop eating, and I feel full in between meals :)
I think there is something to be said about not having to “optimize” for everything in life in the way high-protein can often mean “the most protein for the least amount of calories,” after all I could eat eggs simply because I enjoy eggs and not care about how they provide less protein density than the classic chicken breast. However I still believe in leading life focusing on the highest “value” activities primarily, with values pertaining to what I care about most.
In a household culture where it’s disrespectful to turn down food offered to you, yet you’re expected to clear every morsel of food on your plate, these effects were amplified. In a similar vein, it seems we’re always pressured to do more but it’s unclear what this more entails; it’s a bottomless race.