human potential
floors, ceilings, and searching for the answer
A number of you have subscribed recently, presumably from my archiving and/or virality piece—thank you! I write about a variety of topics pertaining to ephemerality, self-growth, relationships, and basically anything you might find in my journal. Not every piece is for everyone, but if you do find something that resonates with you I’d always love to hear so.
Before Spring Ends by Wang OK
I’m writing more now than I ever have in my life, even if I haven’t posted in over two months. But I’ve been having many more conversations with my thoughts and ideas than previously. They feel like gum—like I could clutch each thought and stretch it, stick them to surrounding thought fragments until they merge into one Big Idea glob.
Two years ago, it was difficult for me to write everyday like this. I couldn’t imagine anyone would want to hear what I would have to say, let alone feel like I could conjure ideas consistently enough to whip into the shape of an essay. But because of my semi-daily practice, commitment to jotting down ideas whenever I can, writing when I feel messy, and making an active effort to make it public — writing is now second nature.
I feel the same when it comes to running. When I haven’t gone on a run in a long time, 2km feels treacherous. But then I start running more. 3km, 4km, until eventually 5km runs become my baseline. Last year, I ran my first 10k race in six years, and I even beat my personal record. It was a feat I hadn’t imagined myself accomplishing.
In both writing and running, I established a new baseline. A new floor, so that I can break through higher ceilings for myself. As my floor raises, so does my ceiling. I’m sure one day 10km runs will be my new baseline too.
The first phase of self expansion is this realization that you, too, can do things beyond your original imagination. You expand your capacity when your limiting beliefs about yourself are squashed. The stories you tell yourself can be rewritten, the narratives you’ve painted about your life can be covered up in layers. Your life is a canvas.
Whenever I’m reminded of this, it makes me wonder. What are my limits, really? Can I increase them? How much can I handle? How much am I capable of? How much higher can I soar? What’s stopping me?
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limits
There are times where I worry I’ve peaked, that I can never top the last quarter or half year or year of my life ever again. I always feel like I need some sort of grand event that marks an era of my life for me, to remember that era by. In 2023 it was living in Seoul on exchange, in 2024 it was moving to Toronto. What now? Have I peaked?
What I'm learning is that actually, I don’t think I’ll ever peak. I’m not sure I’ll ever reach my full potential, and I find peace in that.
Not because I don't believe in myself — it's because I believe in myself so deeply that I know I will never reach it. Because if you put yourself in a position where you can say you've reached your full potential, could you possibly be limiting yourself? Might there be even more you can achieve?
I want to be quadrilingual. Compete in the Olympics. Have a successful Substack. Be a renowned designer. Host my own exhibitions in Seoul. I have all these things I want; all these dreams, all these things to yearn for. Is that too much to ask for? I’m excited by the possibilities more than I am discouraged by any stagnant progress in them. It feels a bit taboo to admit these things sometimes, but it’s the truth.
In others’ eyes, my efforts might feel futile. But if what I do doesn’t make sense to others, that’s all the more reason to do them.
You can’t beat time. Choosing to sow seeds now can bear fruits for years to come. Your rate of growth isn’t linear; it has a compounding effect, it should be exponential.
You need to build in lots of opportunities to bump into the limits of your own knowledge.
…
Compound interest reveals new vistas to you. The more you learn about a topic, the easier it is to take in new knowledge about the same topic, so an expert might be able to ingest new knowledge at something like 100x the rate of a novice. Reminding yourself that learning can turn you into a radically better version of yourself through the power of compounding returns can be incredibly motivating.
— Andy Masley, Strategies for Learning
for the love of the game
I practiced every single day until I felt like a ragdoll...until I finally achieved it.
~ Miyata, Hajime no Ippo
A few weeks ago, I had a particularly tough volleyball training session, both mentally and physically.1
Gasping for breath, that day on the court reminded me what persistence tastes like. Metallic, from the blood I had to swallow down my throat. Salty, from the beads of sweat coating me head to toe. It sounded like my coach’s demands, seared in my memory. It looked like glares of disdain from my teammates, and it viscerally felt like the scene in Whiplash where the MC does everything he can to get to the performance despite getting hit by a car and dripping in blood by the time he’s on stage.2
Some days I can sense my improvement. Then there are days, weeks I find myself frustrated by my progress, wonder why things come naturally to others but so begrudgingly painful for me to work through. At times it feels like my progress is regressing, despite putting in the hours. I doubt myself, if raw hours are enough.
But oh, how it feels to persist, to push through something in the name of love despite not being very good at it. It feels so utterly humiliating, embarrassing, and vulnerable at times. Yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I like the challenge, though. (…) [T]he challenge of consistently doing something I’m bad at, over and over again.
— Stevie Martin, from reading a book in a cafe kinda sucks?
People ask me how I’m so dedicated to my hobbies and its strange, I find myself wanting to justify how everything else in my life is possible because of my hobbies and not in spite of it. Yet the only reason that feels true is simply this: I do it for the love of the game. I don’t write because it’s something I want to do. I write because it’s something I need to do. It’s actively detrimental to me if I don’t write, just like how if I go longer than two days without playing volleyball I feel ill. Volleyball isn’t a choice for me; I simply can’t help but to play volleyball. There’s this inexplicable inner imperative (h/t bill watterson) drawing these activities out of me, it’s out of my control.
Writing, volleyball, hosting community events, learning Korean. My hobbies are my lifeline, my ambrosia.
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T asked me a few weeks ago why I want to be the best. I shrugged. I’m just curious, I responded. It was the best answer I could give. What would it be like to be the best?
Addicted to learning, I’m constantly chasing the new, the novel. I keep yearning to expand my mind, to stretch its capabilities. Every time I encounter new information I’d like to explore deeply, or a skill I’d like to acquire, my mind buzzes: what are the limits of the human brain? how much can i remember? what if i just learned everything there is to know in the world? what would happen then?
I still don’t have all the answers. But atleast I know I have myself, and I have people who believe in me by my side.
Whenever I’m down, returning to this idea of pursuing the things that make me feel alive is what grounds me. After all, the only way out is through.
If you approach life in this way, you will find many things become seemingly easy—it’s a cheat code honestly.
To do the things you’re meant to do. To, everyday, work on becoming the version of yourself that feels the most alive. To do things that make you come alive everyday. To rise towards the person you’re meant to be.
You can soar even higher.
life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹
February felt like a month where I was breaking free. Escaping the confines of my own mind, my cycles of overthinking, my prisons of guilt. I started letting go of some negative self-talk and self-doubt, despite there being some days where I was still not in a great headspace.
Started going to physio to treat my knee/calf, a volleyball-induced muscle strain that hasn’t gone away. I’m reminded to treat my body like a temple, and I hope to shift a larger focus to my health in Q2.
March has been busy. Between a fully booked client schedule and numerous community events (both attending and hosting), and I’m so grateful!
Hosted a potluck demo day with my friends where we shared food and shared wisdom via powerpoint presentation - each person prepared a deck to teach everyone a less on a skill or topic they’re interested in.
C visited Toronto and we had a lovely board games night, been having lots of fun hosting board games nights with friends recently
A reader recently described my writing as sharing about “nothing, yet everything at the same time.” I think I like this description. I like to write as if I’m talking to an old friend, which I am. I’m talking to the past and future versions of me.
started introducing more of my friends to each other! my high school friends meeting and hanging out with some of my toronto friends independently of me…. soooo full circle
Socratica Symposium and post-symposium house was a fever dream
my friend reached 500K followers on IG and we celebrated by throwing her a surprise party! followed by a powerpoint girls night she was hosting :’)
Everyday in my journal, I’ve started keeping track of what I did that day. Looking back, I realize how much I’ve done in a day despite always feeling like I’ve done nothing. I’m grateful for this gratitude practice.
The first half of April has also had me swimming with work, but in a good way. I’m locking in, doing what I can to prep in advance of my trip to Asia in May.
Watched the Lion King musical (my first musical ever!) with friends, had a puzzle party, played a 2003 game cube edition of Mario Kart
I can count atleast 10 people who live within a 15-minute walking distance from me and it really truly is so awesome. I get texted to come over to try bread my friend baked, to spontaneously meet up and co-work or go on a walk, to go out for brunch
I’ve been learning to let things go. To loosen my grip on what I can’t control, to relax my shoulders and ease the tension in my neck. To release myself of pursuing rabbitholes that are counterproductive to my healing. To sit in silence.
I’ve mentioned this before, but i’m continuing to host a weekly co-creation series with my friends where we gather to make things we love. Recurringly, the phrase “see you on Sunday” has felt like a warm bowl of noodles to me. I’m reminded of the beauty of having a recurring hangout to look forward to every week, and it has been a major highlight of my days.
media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
watching: finished this Japanese dating show called Offline Love, where the premise is strangers from Japan who have been plopped into Nice, France, without their phones. Their only way of communication is by letter mail, and serendipitously bumping into each other on the street, such that it feels like fate. Highly recommend and a change of pace from Singles Inferno which felt a lot more dramatic for no reason, whereas this series had a high focus on finding genuine love and was overall really cute and lovely :)
I also finished the First Frost, a c-drama centred on a childhood romance (love love loved it), I’m currently watching another c-drama of the same producer, Hidden Love. I finished When Life Gives You Tangerines and cried every episode as well as became super homesick :’)
listening to: k-drama happy osts, Color You by CHAI and Sam Kim, heardya by templuv, Bluebird by BIBI, and a lot of Japanese city pop
reading: Poor Charlie’s Almanack (s/o Stripe Press for the new copy), the 5 Types of Wealth (clearly I am in my finance era)
shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆
C and S for our (mostly) weekly Discord yaps
all my Mosaic regulars (you know who you are)
special soft spot shoutout to KV, JK, EL for all the board game nights & yaps over pho, my dearest vancouver → toronto kiddos who are leaving the city after this semester. it deeply saddens me and i will miss you all :’)
the 11 people who were insane enough to accept my invitation to play volleyball at 10-11:30pm on a wednesday night, and the people who were also down within a 2-hour notice to play the next week from 9-11pm when my drop-in got cancelled and my brother was visiting me. yall are awesome
everyone in general who is down to play volleyball with me, recently KD for joining me as a neighbour and regular volleyball drop-in go-er
Socratica for changing my life in 2023, and seeing its impact ripple through to today. Symposium was a movie fr
House Harko for being the best cabin group I could ever ask for <3
T for curating the best place to be for technocreative endeavours in Toronto
FG and LN for inviting me over to their homes for dinner parties <3
MT for inviting me to a new brunch place in Toronto that has the best pancakes i have ever had in my entire life you HAVE to try them
I’ve been going to Scarborough every Saturday for the last 8 weeks to play volleyball, which eats up about half my day as it’s roughly a 3h commute roundtrip. I have 2 more weeks of this program, and each time it feels like I’m in a literal bootcamp as I’m doing pushups as punishment and have 10 seconds to drink water before returning to drills. But I love it. It’s really important to me to have people who push you to your limits - my coach can be harsh at times but it’s a form of tough love that in my opinion, only makes you better as a player and a person. The opposite of care is indifference.
this one
this is a beautiful line: "the narratives you’ve painted about your life can be covered up in layers"