a thousand years

loving and leaving behind the people you love

i watch these busan waves recede while the memories rush back.

This time last year, I was counting down my days. Not in anticipation, but out of fear. How many days left until I’ll have to leave my friends? With only one month left in my semester before I moved out of Western for good and headed off to exchange for my last slice of undergrad, I prepared myself for all the goodbyes. It’s not like we would have never seen each other again, but it was the uncertainty of when we’d see each other next that was painful.¹ It was the realization of how much these people have truly contributed to your life, and the bittersweet acceptance that this era of your life has come to a close.

I think about how lucky I am to have had such serendipitous moments in my life that lead to the most beautiful friendships. 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
-Winnie the Pooh

It’s the moments we can’t get back.

Frolicking in the grass. Sprinklers going off. Your hesitant asking, “should we run through it?” My response: “I’m down if you’re down.” In solidarity - we laugh, we get muddy, we play, we become kids again. Echoes of joy vibrating through the May air, where nothing else matters. Moments that feel infinite.²

My stomach hurts. Belly laughter kind of hurt. Hours and hours and hours together. In each other’s presence. 

Climbing on top of closets. Sleeping on top of closets?

Birthday surprises in a dorm room. Playing hide-and-seek in residence. Staying up to 3am conjuring Would you Rather or Most Likely To prompts.

It’s getting up at 5:20am, and knocking on my roommate’s door at 5:25am as her wake-up call so that we can go to the gym. No buses are running, so we walk. And it’s despite the heavy snow, trudging through it so we don’t miss our 6am reservation.³ Screaming “what did you say?!” every five seconds because I can’t hear a thing when my parka hood is on. I look like a Q-tip all zipped up.⁴ 

Dear friends: through the ups and downs, I want to be there with you, every step of the way (translation: I miss being there every step of the way). I love it when we talk, but I love it just as much when we can sit in silence together. Do we have to be miles away?

I wish I could spend a thousand years on each person I love, to invest in them in the way they deserve. 

I’m not sure if I believe in past lives, nor have I ever felt a déja-vu moment as if I've been reincarnated. But one thing's for sure is that although I don't know all the lifetimes I might have lived, I'm grateful for the lifetime I'm in that led me to meet all the people I love.

✻

The memories exist in limbo. In a special third place that’s not quite there but not quite here, in the “past” but when I play a specific song or see the polaroids on my wall, each memory floods through me like a frame-by-frame flipbook. I see it and I want to catch it; cradle it in my arms before they slip away. 

But time doesn't stop. The clock keeps running, as do I. 

Perhaps it is because of this temporary limbo we are in though, that allows us to fully understand how precious these moments are and cherish them as so.

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This piece is slightly different from my usual tone (not that I’ve written many pieces to have a ‘usual’ tone, but I digress), though perhaps more accurate as to how I often visualize and think about the situations and people in my life. I would like to practice sharing more of how I see the world, in the words that ring true to me. If this resonates with you, too, I’d love to know :)

with <3, kel

1. I knew most of my friends were going to be in Toronto, but I didn’t know where I was going next at the time. I had thought that it’d be up to whatever job I wanted post-grad to determine my location, or maybe I could have decided to stay in Asia for longer, or otherwise my default assumption was that I’d be in Vancouver (where I’m from).

2. I describe these moments as infinite, because of a movie dear to my heart:

3. Back when COVID-19 protocols enforced a timed-reservation system. Failure to attend meant suspension from the recreation centre for a week.

4. 5:49am on February 14, 2022. We are all Q-tips.