how can i pretend?

an attempt at an august update: journals from the last four months

It’s been a whole quarter since my last update, which has thrown me into a familiar cycle of feeling like I can’t get an update out because the thoughts I had are no longer timely, despite knowing every time I read one my old posts they will still resonate.

I like transporting to those moments in time, to all those moments that I was feeling. I wonder if I should go back in time to rewrite those moments and what they meant to me, or if the fact they went undocumented is part of the memory. It doesn’t feel quite right to post backlogged content that I don’t currently feel a certain way about, but I also don’t want to lose traces of the very real thoughts and feelings I had.

Inspired by “If I love you, it’s because in some way we are the same type of bastard”, I’ve compiled some of my inner thoughts from the last 4 months on a variety of topics, lightly edited for privacy/clarity. Take it as my compromise for this feeling. A word of warning though that this piece doesn’t really go anywhere, I wouldn’t say there’s a point I’m trying to make. I wrote most of this to process my own emotions, with no intent to publish them.

Perhaps the point is in allowing myself to share all the intrusive thoughts I normally wouldn’t feel comfortable publishing. Where I ask the same questions over and over, unsure of the answers I seek. Whatever it is, here’s a glimpse into my interiority. Best enjoyed while you’re cozily seated somewhere with your warm beverage of choice.

Keep an Eye on Summer - Jacob Collier

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04/19/2025 - green seedless grapes
I’m at a cottage in Barrie thinking about closeness and connection, as per F’s share of S’ recent post. I feel I’m entering a transitory phase of who I hold close to me.

“We’ll never get this winter in Toronto arc with the same people again,” K says to me on the way home from volleyball. It saddens me.

Time and time again, people will come in and out of your life like seasons. And for the first time in recent memory, everyone is leaving me. Maybe the reason I feel so compelled to leave all the time is so I can leave before others leave me. That seems a bit unfair to them, though.

This time, perhaps I accept this is the nature of where I’ve chosen to call home. The city is a transient hub, where people always come and go. There may be people who are only here for a season, but I really hope we’re friends for life.

05/04/2025

I am happy about how comfortable I have gotten with writing over the last two years. The last time I was in Korea, I was writing my first blog post that took me an entire day holed up in a cafe to put out, nervously soliciting the feedback of three friends before I hit publish for the internet to see. I was so nervous. Now, I don’t care too much. I just say how I feel, and it always pleasantly surprises me to see other people relate to how I feel.

And now all of a sudden, I’m at 300+ substack subscribers when I was first at 16.

300 feels small, but it is also so huge. It makes me greedy. It makes me want 1,000 by the end of the year - it would be a dream. Not because of the number, more so the fact I don’t feel so alone anymore.

05/22/2025

It feels like I’ve forgotten who I am. I’m in Seoul, and finally have a chance to breathe after two weeks of non-stop travel with L and N. In this time, I haven’t been on twitter very much, barely been checking my calendar, haven’t played volleyball, haven’t even checked in on other friends much either. I feel lost. I don’t know what I’m going to do this year, I don’t have a ‘marker’ to define this era anymore. I joke about how going to Asia was going to ‘fix’ me, but if anything I feel more lost. They were right when they said travelling to Asia won’t solve all your problems.

I’m only letting myself spend $200 this week, I don’t want to spend more. I need to sell my New Balances when I’m home because there was only one size down from my usual size available, and I thought I could handle it. I couldn’t. Why do I do this to myself? Why try to make size 8 shoes fit on size 9 feet?

I’m trying to remember who I am by looking at my website and reading my past Substack pieces. Once again, I want to rebrand. Looking at my website with fresh eyes, I feel like there are layers of me that need to be reintroduced. I feel like I can get so much better at my craft. I feel like there’s so much opportunity waiting for me, if only I go out and create it.

I’m reminded how much I love the cafe culture in Seoul. I brought my junk journal but didn’t scrap a single thing. Maybe I will start when I’m back at the Airbnb. There’s no windows there but it feels spacious. It’s nice, still.

I want to go out, explore, feel free. I want to sit on the tennis court and feel the wind go through my hair, watch the people play. I miss the park near 77 Florence, and eating chicken katsu sandos from Imanishi.

..

When I recall highlights from my trip, it’s never the big events. They’re the little moments that punctuate the day, the unexpected ones that come like a surprise. It’s belly laughter at 1am, giggling quietly about high school drama as to not wake the neighbours. The grandma who sold me pajamas by packing it in my bag before i could even pay. Getting a madeleine on the house from a cafe because I spoke Korean. Our taxi driver on the first day in Busan who was like a Dad and gave us so many recs - so sweet!

06/01/2025 - optimization

When I was alone in Seoul, I realized I didn’t really know what to do with myself. It was my first time solo travelling ever, basically. Even though I lived there before, it didn’t feel like I was on my own since I had roommates. But when it was just me, alone in the airbnb, I had this weird feeling of like “oh, i can do anything.” Which on one hand you can look at like “oh, I can do ANYTHING!” (beaming with optimism), but I think for me it felt a little daunting/dreading and I’m not sure why.

I think I let myself go a bit, probably exhausted from travels. I would feel bad about myself for waking up at 11am - I’d watch Devil’s Plan in my airbnb with no sunlight. Then I’d maybe explore a neighbourhood, questioning if waiting alone for 30min for this viral toast cafe was worth it. Every decision was questioned - was it optimal? I feel like when i’m with my friends, I don’t care as much about whether a decision is optimal or not because I feel like you can make good memories regardless, and you can kill the time waiting by hanging out with each other. But when it’s just me, I feel this sense of “I need to ensure I’m making the best decisions possible” on my own. No sounding board to bounce off of. Am I constantly just seeking validation from others? When it’s just me, what then?

In these times, it’s been nice to be able to turn to my friends online. Texting K or watching M’s videos gives me a sense of comfort and home.

06/06/2025 - project debt

Something I've been thinking about recently is how easy it is for things to pile up. You start one project then another, your favourite appliance breaks and you start tolerating ways to live without it but the little annoyances still affect you. There’s an idea gnawing at the back of your head or you know that the toilet is broken yet you couldn’t be arsed to fix it.

I call these things project debt. Like regular debt, it pays off to take care of it quickly and/or consistently, and it can destroy you if left unmanaged. Every time I go to brush my teeth I think about how I should really just buy a water flosser. Yet, I don’t do it. I have some imaginary blockers in my head.

And just as easy is things are to pile up, they can be taken care of. If I just did a little bit each day, if I just decided to go to Shoppers on the way home. It would be nice to have some sort of AR glasses that give me context-based reminders of what I need.

06/08/2025

I’m excited for the future because there is always more opportunity to grow into the person I want to become, that I’m meant to become. To get better at my craft, my sport, my being. There are more hours available to pour into what I love. I’m not out of time; time gets replenished for me every 24 hours. Isn’t that awesome? You literally gain time each day you’re alive.

06/10/2025 - crutches

• feeling lonely, it is times like these that force you to think about who you lean on for help, who do you immediately call on?

• having to call myself ubers, make decisions on the spot, walk home in the rain in crutches. i didn’t even know my armpits could be sore

• reaaaalllly wish i had a partner in these times

• feels like i cant even ask for help without feeling like an inconvenience

• feels stupid and pathetic to cry over these little things, i tend to react like this over any minor inconvenience

• everything always feels really bad in the moment but then its fixed with an iced mango matcha. why is that

06/11/2025

i sprained my ankle and realized I didn’t know who to call. i didnt want to bother people if they were busy. this isn't a dunk on my friends who i love so much, but i think an inherent realization is i still have hyperindependent tendencies that have never really gone away. i felt silly for bringing the mood down if people were having fun. even when talking to my parents i felt the need to downplay my injury as to not worry them

06/15/2025

coming back to seoul was a distant hug from the past: i trace these streets with the ghost of my former self lingering in the shadows. a lot can happen in 2 years and though the city didnt change much i know i did.

im one of those people who will never shut up about exchange even though it was 2 years ago and 4 months long. for as long as i live i will be fond of those memories and i have korea to thank for it

06/17/2025

I’m rediscovering who I am. I’m using this month as a month of discovery and rest and preparation for the second half of the year - June has always had this sort of effect on me, much like December.

Last night B slept over and we chatted a bit in my room. My desk was clean for the first time in a while, she thought my room was aesthetic. Crazy how it could appear this way to others, when I spent so long longing for the type of room I’d see on Pinterest. And that now, it’s slowly becoming that. I’m becoming the person I’ve always wanted it to be, or atleast it seems as so on the surface. I felt some of the effects yesterday when I was doing my self care routine. All these things, albeit little on its own, together make me realize it’s quite a luxury, quite a privilege. All these things I picked up on and learned over time. What. A. Privilege.

I read this morning that it is a privilege to be suffering from a challenge you chose for yourself, and I am grateful.

I love the Tiktok trend with the perspective of waking up in your 20 something year old body as a 90 year old. Really makes me want to cherish these moments more before they’re over, and not be so fast to rush into next, next, next. To not need to yearn so desperately for the future, though I’m excited for it. I want to take my time. The time will pass anyways.

I feel calm, I think it’s a byproduct of my environment. I’m so excited to do more with it! I’m so excited to make this space my own.

06/19 - life purpose

• i used to be so convinced abt this life purpose thing

• that life has no meaning unless u have this purpose ur chasing

• but now im not so sure

• maybe its not about having a purpose

• maybe my purpose can just be

• being alive

• and iterating towards a life i truly want to live

06/25/2025 - my weaknesses

Sometimes I wonder if I’m stuck up, or if I have a superiority complex. Im wondering if its obnoxious for me to talk the way i do, does my voice sound kinda nasally? Do i sound standoffish to others? Does any of this really matter? Should i care?

Anyways, I definitely feel I was more uptight when I was younger than I am now, and treat others better now than I did before.

It’s hard to be a perfect human, no one is.

I would like to work on my articulation!

I would like to work on my humility, I would like to work on my kindness.

I would like to work on showing, not telling.

Recurringly, people tell me I’m capable. That I’m so capable but maybe don’t take advantage of my capabilities enough, and could be doing so much more with it. And I don’t know, maybe that’s true maybe that isn’t. How do I change this? Do I need to - do I want to?

07/06/2025

I want to stay up because I’m afraid if I go to sleep, I’ll have to wake up. And when I wake up, I’ll have to leave. And that’s the last time we’d ever see each other.

07/13/2025 - least of my worries

My grandma isn’t getting any younger - my problems are the least of my worries.

My dad faces high pressure from his job everyday and introducing him to stress isn’t worth it - my problems are the least of my worries.

My mom is getting a bit frazzled in how she moves through the world - my problems are the least of my worries.

A boy is the least of my worries.

Grateful for everything I have and for the ability to do what I love.

07/14/2025

I’ve been told I write as if talking to an old friend. But I want my words to be sharper. To hit harder. To have the same feeling of my subconscious rambles, yet they’re concise. They have weight, they have impact. I want my writing to feel heavy.

07/16/2025 - what i’m learning about myself when it comes to love

• I am someone who has a lot of love to give

• And i mean a LOT

• There are lots of people in the world for me to love!

• It is just so easy for me to love someone because i am full of it

07/20/2025

Your brain is trying to trick you. Push through the initial tiredness, the initial resistance. It’s like running. Once you reach a certain point, hit a certain flow state. You will find that you love creating and you love working and you can actually do it.

07/23/2025 - locking in

• so i find that when a task i need to do is urgent, and i keep thinking about how it is urgent but put it off, i feel more and more guilty that i am not doing it.

• it is difficult when i dont feel like doing it. but when will i ever feel like doing it? for a while, i did not feel like doing typo.love until it became the thing that ended up helping me procrastinate my other tasks / i was really excited with where it was going

• so maybe the key is to get really excited about the potential upsides of the task i am working on, and trust that any time i put in to trying to make it work is not time wasted, it is time spent working towards the answer.

• i also find that when i am truly locked into something, i forget to eat or use the washroom. the day of launch, i had so many tasks and knew exactly what i needed to do before launch that i didnt rlly do anything until i tweeted, and felt huge relief after. i knew what i needed to do, i just needed the time to do it.

07/27/2025 - what it means to be present

The leaves rustle, the cars whiz by. Time passes. The time will pass anyways - how will you choose to spend it? Why spend it worrying?

I think something that has largely rewired my brain from spending the past month with H is how less future-oriented I’ve become as a result. Of course, I am constantly thinking about the Future™. But observing him, watching how he moves in the world, watching how I react to him as a result; I notice he moves swiftly. He doesn’t think twice - not in a bad way, but in a “if something requires action to be taken, i might as well do it now” way. He doesn’t wait to start a task until he is in the right emotional state to do it like I do. He just does it right away.

I wonder when I can be like that. There is often weight to my worry, it doesn’t leave me quite so easily. It doesn’t fly away. Stones bound these strings of thought to the ground, and I wonder when someone will come along and untie them.

..

Dating people are like mirrors. You see a reflection of yourself in them, the way you operate and move through the world is seen in a completely different lens with different people. You become a mirror to them, too. You start seeing yourself in a different light, notice how light you are with them. Notice how easily triggered you get - the anxieties, the anger. Notice how it shows up in you. Notice who makes you feel that way.

..

I find I experience a lot of time guilt in my day to day. Spending the time worrying about how you’re spending the time, rather than just spending the time.

When I work, I feel guilty I’m not working on something else. Yet, I never feel guilty on a lunch break. How do I channel that same energy? For example, I don’t feel guilty about not working when I’m at an event dedicated to not working. But if I were at home for the whole day on Sunday intending to work instead of going to such an event, and I end up not doing work, then I would feel guilty for both skipping the event and not getting any work done. How terrible is that! I know myself, and I know that that is exactly what would happen.

..

I’m not sure if the goal in life is to minimize pain. Something something about how if I did not know this pain, I would not know how good I could have it, and how much better it could even get.

The time is never wasted, it’s just complete. The time spent is always worth it to me.

…

Once again, a quarter has passed. A quarter has passed without me publishing a new piece, a quarter has passed without many of my new year goals being achieved. At an event in Vancouver I was asked, “If you could be any time of year/day/month, what would you be?” and I answered with the concept that I was 2 weeks at a time. Because for 2 weeks at a time, I am at bliss, I am at peace. I’m the most productive I’ve ever been in my life. But catch me in the wrong 2 weeks, and I’m crashing out. I’m burning, things are going wrong wrong wrong. But then it comes back around and they become so right again! It was a half joke but also I think considering menstrual cycle timings it makes so much sense.

08/02/2025 - bogged

These days, I am feeling a bit boggy. Tangled. There are many loose ends yet to be resolved.

I wonder whats next for me. I wonder when I can rest. I wonder when I can just be without worry. Yet I also want to be at the top of my craft. I wonder when my ankle will be healed. I want to play volleyball again.

08/10/2025 - do i actually want it?

Can you have more specificity in the thing that you’re looking for? What exactly do you want to learn? Who exactly do you want to work with?

Give yourself a deadline. X months. The sooner you do it, the sooner you’ll learn and get to iterate on the experience! Then you don’t have to spend so much time worrying about what it would be like to experience it, because you’ve already done it.

I am thinking about paths again. A year ago I wrote where the wind blows, and a year later it feels like not much has changed. I’m still thinking about craft, still thinking about what to double down on and what to focus on, still thinking about all the plants I need to water. Writing, community, design craft, actual work (clients), volleyball, rehab, learning Korean. All of these elements are important to me and make me who I am, yet I know that my watering each plant I’m unable to make any one plant fully bloom. What do I actually want? What’s different this time around?

08/11/2025 - speedrunning the context

When you establish a goal, make contact with it as soon as possible to understand if this is truly your goal or not. Hold long term goals loosely so that you can course correct as you gain new context.

In video games, you speedrun by manipulating the pre-established “walls” and “fixtures” set in the game. You can glitch through them, if you care enough to look and explore.

..

What do I like and not like?

I don’t like it when I operate out of fear. When it feels like I am working on projects in order to not disappoint, not because I actually like the project.

I come the most alive when I have dedicated time to ideate. I love the idea of trusting the process, knowing that I will eventually Get Somewhere.

I like being able to express my visions exactly the way I envision them to be.

08/16/2025

when asked about my visions for the future, I responded:

or rather, i am overwhelmed by them all that it renders me useless!

08/19/2025

I missed a call because I was focused on ___. Notice how swiftly you move in the face of something you actually do want - all this time it's not that you wanted it but were too lazy to take action, it's that perhaps the shiny thing you think you wanted is someone else's dream you were trying to fool yourself into thinking was yours.

When you actually care about something and it aligns with your values, you already know how to move quick and you will do what is necessary to move with brevity. Trust your gut, trust yourself, trust you will always do what’s best for yourself.

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The entries stop here as I’m publishing this piece on August 20, 2025, though I’ve been editing them since August 16. I’m still not sure how much of this was okay to say out loud - I so badly want to be this mysterious, perfectly packaged person, you know? But I’m not. Part of who I am is my desire to share and be public. I won’t force something against my nature.

Thank you if you’ve made it this far.

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life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

this entire post was a bit of a life update, but in more plain terms:

• travelled to south korea and japan in may with two of my best friends!

• i sprained my ankle (grade 2) early june playing volleyball and i haven’t really been the same since, it was the first time i’ve gotten a serious injury. actively trying to rehab, but i really miss volleyball.

• performed with @suddensoundstoronto while on crutches

• ran a chaotic speed design event for toronto tech week (i never ended up posting a proper recap, oops)

• spent two weeks at home in vancouver, one of which was ravaged by a lot of work at once. my friends recommend that the next time i go to vancouver, i should take a proper vacation

• spent a weekend in montreal earlier this month for osheaga! i am not very big on music festivals but it was a fun experience with new and old friends :)

• busy busy busy but trying to slow it down. trying to be more intentional.

• a new asian grocer opened up in my area and i predict i will be cooking a lot more now. it’s a little too accessible for me to have an excuse

• i purchased a portable cd player (as a part of an IU album) and it’s by far my favourite purchase of 2025. I’m obsessed

• soaking up the last of toronto summer with my beautiful wonderful friends

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• music:

  • artists i’ve happened to get really into (either discovered or had a renewed interest in) over the last few months (in no particular order): miki, dominic fike, ash island, bbno$, daniel caesar, wasia project, jenevieve

    • particularly scorpion ascendant scorpion by Miki, s/o abtin for putting me on

  • justin bieber swag album of course. also One Time by Justin Bieber (a classic if you ask me)

  • keshi’s WANTCHU

  • kpop demon hunters soundtrack, of course (twas a saja boy summer!)

  • CDs I have so that I can put them in my newly acquired cd player (notably NIKI’s Nicole album, the best of SEVENTEEN’s hits in the last decade)

• shows/movies:

  • finished: hidden love (c-drama), squid game s2, devil’s plan s2, weak hero s2, better late than single (LOVED this one)

  • started/dropped: apothecary diaries, pyramid game, the final draft, secret millionaire, beyond the bar

  • there are probably more but i’ve forgotten since it’s been so long ;-;

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• L and N, for being my day ones and make it feel like old times again on our trip

• KV, JK, EL, BC, FG, and JR for a winter toronto arc to remember

• SJ, SC, CH, KL, for your company and support

• MT and AW, for hearing me out

• H, for your presence

• T, for your kindness

• K, for your friendship

• M, for being my rock

• C, for giving me feedback on this post (as always)