Today S and I realized we’ve seen each other everyday for the last 6 days. Whether for a meal or movie, these hangouts were accelerated thanks to the impending departure of one of our friends, K, who was soon leaving to New York. We would do whatever we could to squeeze in time all together, knowing he was leaving.

I can’t remember the last time I saw someone for that amount of consecutive days without them being my roommate or family. It feels akin to high school: seeing the same people everyday for weeks on end, never having to fear a goodbye. In fact, when they don’t show up for a day, their absence is missed. It’s felt. Something that is almost rare in modern friendship.

In adulthood, absence is practically the baseline - an expectation rather than an anomaly. If anything, presence is celebrated. It is revered. It is seen as a miracle that we can all be free at the same time to hang out. When you invite someone to a party, it is normalized for people to respond with a maybe, or even RSVP as attending but never end up going.

We all claim to be too busy to make time for a friend, yet complain about how lonely we feel. We live in a world where everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager.

You want to be in the group chat. Yet you don’t want to be the one who makes plans. You want someone to bring you soup when you’re sick. Yet you wouldn’t drive across town to do the same. If everyone has the same mindset, what then?

In part 1 we talked about how friendships start to blossom - how two people become close. Perhaps closeness isn’t defined by how often you see someone, but the intent behind how often you see someone. Are we seeing each other out of convenience or inconvenience?

Close friendship is the intentional act of choosing someone, over and over again. Amidst the inconvenience, the chaos, the messiness of it all. Especially amidst it all.

It is difficult to reveal the ugly, the messy. It is difficult to confront your friends. It is difficult to keep saying yes, to attempt to see your friends as they truly are. It is inconvenient to be a villager. But that is precisely why you need to be one.

To be deliberate and intentional. To take down any preconceived notions on what a hangout is supposed to look like. It doesn’t have to be dinner and drinks. If I don’t want to hang out because I want to save money or am on a diet, what can we do? When we strip it down, all we’re really trying to say is I just want to see you. I don’t care how or what, I just want to be in your presence. That’s all that really matters, isn’t it? Whether it’s only a 1 hour lunch break or even just 10 minutes while you walk your dog, to show up is an intentional choice of the relationships you choose to keep in your life and how much you want to keep choosing.

friendship rituals

One way I’ve been able to maintain my sanity amidst busy everyday life is being the stewardess of gatherings that brings people together. That is, bringing people from different parts of my life together and fostering an environment for them to become friends too. It makes it that much easier to hang out since everyone has met each other to some extent. In fact, I’m often surprised when two friends I see in a hangout have not met each other yet, because I quite often make it a point to introduce every friend of mine to every other friend of mine. I make this recurring too, where every week friends of mine know there is a guaranteed opportunity to see each other. It is something I do lovingly even if it inconveniences me at times, because it’s always worth it.

I appreciate the people in my life who also stewards some of these gatherings so I don’t have to. KV who organizes board game nights where we somehow collectively tolerate his made-up rules, KL who always gets the group together for dinner (especially when we don’t know where to eat). MM who hosts silly gatherings at her apartment. JR who throws a puzzle party and EL a subsequent pudding party. We’re whisking mango concentrate together, and suddenly it turns into a battle of who can whisk faster, determining the best technique for whisking. It can really be that simple.

“Each time you go to these annual/monthly/yearly gatherings it’ll be a slightly different group, but there will be a small group of faces that is there every time. That seems to be the way to create family: out of the people you see again and again. Showing up no matter what else is happening in your life, and believing that by the act of being there, something a little more sturdy will form, at least for the time being.”

~Kasra, from The problem of long-term close friendships

on showing up imperfectly

Some of my best friends are not people who I have “hit it off” with from day 1, per say. But rather, people who time and time again, continuously choose to show up. With me, and for me.

There are days where I feel like I need to be fully “myself” in order to greet my friends, thinking “oh I can’t come” because I’m not my best self at the moment, or I’m a little tired. But one thing I’ve learned from my friends is that the ones that matter don’t care. They’re people who will tell you to come anyways.

It is very special when you find this kind of connection with people - where the activity does not matter, where you do not need to prepare. All you need is to show up.

In my experience, I’ve always been better served by showing up, even if halfheartedly - even if imperfectly. I find that I never regret it afterwards, and I tend to gain energy rather than drain it. This might look like promising to attend an event for just 1 hour, or rolling out of bed in pajamas to uber to a friend’s house for an imromptu hangout. The former experience led me to wanting to stick around longer, the latter is something I didn’t do under the guise of wanting alone time but in reality I wish I did. I wish I went that day to see my friends, pajamas and all.

To know what is going on in someone’s day-to-day life, to make plans with them, and then reschedule those plans when someone inevitably gets sick, and then bring over Calpol or soup or an extra laptop charger. To water their plants while they’re away, to ask them for help getting rid of mice in your house. To show up for the walk you planned even when you’re a vulnerable anxious mess — this is all friction.

And friction is not just interrupting your day or life to help out a friend, but also admitting you need the kind of help you cannot pay for or order yourself. To pierce through your veil of seamless productivity and having-it-together to say: I need something from you, can you help me?”

~Rosie Spinks, from The friendship problem

“of course i’ll drive you home”

I don’t think people are asking enough favours from their friends. I think when I feel like I am bothering someone by asking them for a favour, they are not someone I have developed a deep enough bond with. Obviously there are some boundaries to this, as I try to never take my friends for granted or ask anything I think might be unreasonable. I also always try to be gracious, my mom raised me to never come to gatherings emptyhanded and to overall be giving to people who host you. But there’s sort of unspoken rules with some friends that go like: “Of course I’d drive you. Of course I’d walk home with you. Of course I’d invite you. Of course you can stay the night. Of course, of course, of course. Of course I would, because I love you.”

My friend Bonnie writes about this concept, where this level of intimacy is normalized with people you are close to, and made foreign to people you are less close to. With people we are close with, a favour is returned with “of course”, with people we have not yet become close to it’s “oh you really don’t have to!”

K will constantly invite me to plans, and when I deny them the first time he will ask again to get me to budge. He always wants me there. SL, when after being told I couldn’t hangout because he was too far and I had limited time in the city, got an Evo and drove 40 minutes to pick me up from my dentist appointment just to drive me back to the opposite end of town so we could hangout/co-work. C will actively make plans to see me when she’s in town, and always lets me stay over when I’m visiting NYC. E, who flew to Vancouver for 24h just to have lunch with me. N, who came over just to build furniture for me, then went home. M, who ordered me cheesecake when I had my first mental breakdown and hand delivered me congee while sick - the same M who has continued to call me from random hotel rooms/cafes/conferences all over the world every week for the last 4 (almost 5 now!) years. T, who gives me the keys to his makerspace whenever I need a space to host, and is constantly rooting for me. NG, who always drives me and listens to my crashouts. L, who I’ve had the privilege to build our friendship with in multiple cities and stages of life.

I feel incredibly lucky to be surrounded by such great people I love, who teach me what “of course” looks like. So grateful for everyone I’ve met that has led me to my life today and everyone I will continue to meet. So, so lucky to live in this village of mine, and I hope this can help you create the village you want to live in too.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

• I feel like I should stop apologizing for delivering this newsletter late. I really don’t have any excuses, and I don’t think the quality of this piece is any different from me having posted today compared to if I posted it two months, because most of it was already written. For some reason something has been holding me back from posting. But alas, instead I will just say I will do my best to hold myself more accountable to releasing at a regular schedule! I do miss having a more consistent paper trail, it feels like I’ve been writing just to get something out in the recent pieces but I forget that the reason I write is so that I can remember. Remember this point in time, how I was feeling, what I was experiencing, how I was loving. I want to remember more this year.

• I was attacked by violent illness over the holidays (the flu, but from my conversations with peers it was way worse than how they experienced it), and recovering from laryngitis that’s still lingering today. i don’t think i had ever been that sick in my life, and i never want to experience that again. it reminded me a lot about how important my health is and how much i just want to be healthy this year. my days have not been normal since december 2025. when everyone asked me how my holidays were or how i spent nye, it was pretty sad. though i am grateful to had been home during that time with loving parents who took care of me

• the week leading up to the flu i was going out every day, which probably contributed to a part of it. but lots of fun things! i went to MM’s for a gingerbread making party, hosted a design tea party, attended a curated creatives event, hosted my usual private coworking sessions, went to my friend’s pop-up band event, went to L’s for jackbox games and subsequently going to a second holiday dinner that night.

• since the year has started i’ve pretty much been engrossed in work and indoors 90% of the time as i’m still recovering. perhaps this is a good time to mention i’ve also started a new role! i’ve stepped away from freelancing but am not too far off now, as i’ve joined a design studio fulltime working on projects i’m excited about everyday :) everyday has been a joy to live and i am so lucky and grateful

• I’m playing volleyball again and am reminded how alive I feel while doing so! competed in my first tournament and i fear i may be addicted to tournaments now

• also, i renovated my personal website ! <3 or technically, took down my portfolio website and only included a fraction of it in the new one, as i wanted this new site to be more a reflection of me, which work is a part of but not all of me. forever a work in progress ~

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• i’m getting into movies this year! as someone relatively new to movies (i’ve probably watched <100 movies in my lifetime), i’ve resolved to try to understand movies more / be more open to watching movies of different genres, and also watching my friends’ recommendations

  • this year so far i’ve watched 100 metres, cloud, the great flood, marty supreme, no other choice, perfect days, even if this love disappears tonight. i really enjoyed marty supreme and no other choice, and looved perfect days! i think i’d like to get better at describing what it is i like/dislike about movies and i hope to get closer to that by the end of the year. letterboxd here xd

• i binged the kim seon ho / go youn jung new kdrama: Can this Love be Translated? and i absolutely adored it. took some patience but it paid off. also a frustrating bit was that for a series about translations and interpreting language, it’s ironic how bad the subtitles were (they didn’t even get the language right)

• on the edge of my seat every week for singles inferno s5

• rest of my media consumption on my site here!

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• my parents for tolerating my brattiness while i was sick

• friends who sent me video/audio messages over xmas/the new year <3

• friends who dropped off christmas gifts at my door when i couldn’t see them :’)

• all the homies who inspired this post, much of which are in my credits (one of the benefits of setting up a personal website is being able to obnoxiously link it everywhere because it is such a dense representation of you as a person. link count in this piece alone: 3)

The start of friendship is like buying a new pair of shoes. Some might fit perfectly right away, others take some time to break in. You might have to get through the awkward phase for a while, getting familiar with its quirks before you find it begins molding to you, before you find it only fits you better and better as time goes on.

✻

I’ve been thinking about how I’ve gotten deeply entangled with the people in my life. What constitutes closeness?

Is closeness shared context? We’re close because we lived together in university. Geographical proximity? We’re close because we live within a 15-minute radius walking distance of each other. Mutual interests/hobbies? We’re both fans of SEVENTEEN.

Of all my friendships, I’d say at a baseline they meet some sort of combination of these. I believe these are good building blocks of friendship, but they’re not necessarily determinants of what one might consider a ‘close’ friendship.

So how do we go deeper with certain people? How do you get to someone’s core?

i got you your favourite dessert

Closeness is remembering. It’s considering the other, it’s knowing what they like and dislike. It’s thinking of you texts, with specific memories or references. At dinner, K asks L how she knows I’ll like the dish she orders for me. L responds with “because I know her palate.” I try it, and I do indeed enjoy it. And of course she knew I would, because she knows me. Because she’s had 10+ years of knowing me.

Closeness is memories they have of you that you don’t even have of yourself anymore. I rely on C’s mind to recount certain niche experiences or knowledge we’ve co-created.

It’s learning from observation. F, upon seeing me eat a slice of cheese, asked if I had just eaten chocolate prior to it.

“How did you know?” I said.

“Well, you always eat cheese after you eat something sweet,” she responded.

M once told me how easy it is to get gifts for me because my interests are so deep. It’s the scene in Me Before You when Louisa gets these yellow striped socks from Will that she is absolutely ecstatic over, whereas her boyfriend got her a necklace with his name on it that you can clearly tell she is not enthused by.1 To be loved is to be known.

despite it all,

Closeness is revealing. It’s people who are close enough to you tell you the hard truths about yourself. They call you out on your bullshit. Or they tolerate it, and accept you are not without flaws. To love you in spite of it all. They bring up concerns, they’re not afraid to start conflict because they care enough about the relationship to save it. And they trust you enough to know you wouldn’t mind, that it wouldn’t end over this conflict.

Proximity makes it easier to see the flaws in a relationship, but it also makes it harder—because once you know what shaped the parties involved, the sharpness starts to dull. I think proximity shows you the problems and love decides whether you’ll look away—are you close enough to see clearly, or close enough to stop looking?

— How close should you hold your friends? by Sherry

Being around someone you have become close to forces you to quickly learn about yourself. Whether in a friendship or relationship, the situations you encounter together confront you dead-on. They teach you what it means to be human.

i see you everywhere i go

When two people become close, distance doesn’t matter. Some of my closest friendships are with people who do not live in my city - people I only get to see maybe 2, 3, maybe 4 times a year if I’m lucky.

Instead, you start seeing them everywhere. Not necessarily in a literal sense, but in the memories embued in places. A banner for the Lion King musical. Every other restaurant in Chinatown/Ossington/Queen St. West. The streets are laced with memories; I trace them like veins on my wrist.

When two people become close, the person matters more than the hangout. The person becomes a container for how you remember your experience, and they are also a big factor in your experience of it overall. It’s not that I want to check out XYZ restaurant specifically, it’s that I just want to spend time with M and A.

co-created worlds

We speak in a language of our own that’s incomprehensible to others. When two people become close, they default to their natural self around each other. Defined by the parts of you they bring out, and how unseen this is to the rest of the world. A whole world, a part of you reserved for only a specific set of people. What looks like a strange spectacle to someone else is a normal day in the face of each other. Or simply put, one person’s brand of weird is embraced and even shared.

It’s as if there’s a private channel only we can enter, only we can dial into. Our vocabulary is shared, our mannerisms adopted from each other. A chicken and egg problem, but with us.

It’s the way my guards and barriers go down around the people I love. The sillier I am around someone, the safer I feel. The more dumb I allow myself to be. I don’t have these pretenses up. I don’t feel the need to have everything together. I can say shit like mistakenly use the word hypothetical when I was trying to use the word hypocritical (my brain works like that sometimes). Or describe a movie as a “cryo-thriller” and be convinced that makes complete sense. I can act like a baby; I have zero filter.

when two people are not close

When two people are close, it is faster for you to spot when two people are not.

I like to think I am pretty social. I get along well with others, as a baseline I would say it is quite easy for me to make friends. But this does not mean I can necessarily get close with just anyone.

I’ve come to realize how rare it is to have a long-term close friendship. The way I act and feel around such friends simply does not surface with everyone.

As an example at a group hangout the other day, I realized it was quite literally impossible for me to dial into my inner child. I tried, and it felt fake. I felt like I was in host mode, leadership mode. I wasn’t as comfortable as I thought I was with them. It is obvious they were close, though. I thought to myself, “huh, why can’t I act the way I do around these guys like I do around L?”

I went home and wrote about it right away. What I realized was I had this sort of aspirational closeness feeling inside of me. I guess, the feeling of wanting to be close to someone I wasn’t yet close with. The desire to be close. But you can’t speedrun closeness. And that’s the inherent nature of intimacy and closeness! Close friendship takes time, and I will take my time to get to know them. I would say it took 3+ years of knowing and being friends with L before I felt we were actually close.

are we meant to be close to people, or do we actively choose to be?

Closeness demands reciprocity. It’s asking: how vulnerable are you willing to get with someone? How much do you trust this person? Who are you willing to let into your own interiority, your true self? You cannot get close to someone by yourself. It’s a two-way dance.

It can manifest in a few ways. When two people are meant to be close, there’s a chemical reaction. You can see it. You can sense it. You feel it in your bones, your body, in the blood pumping to your heart before you recognize it in your brain. I think when I first met L, I knew I wanted to be friends with her.

With other people, I might not have had an initial bond with them, but it is clear it’s due to the actions overtime that led us to where we stand today. The acceptances of bids. The tango of offering favours without ledgers. To show up is an intentional choice of the relationships you choose to keep in your life and how much you want to keep choosing.

You might not know who you will get close to next. But you can choose. And while you can’t control if they want to be close with you too, you can atleast make it known.

In part two, we will explore the many ways you can keep choosing.

✻

My 5-year old sneakers only fit the way they do on me because of how I’ve worn them over the years, and a new pair wouldn’t understand the depth or nuance of the steps I’ve taken. At the same time, someone else with the same sized feet wouldn’t be able to wear them with the same comfort.

I wonder if I shaped the shoes first or if they shaped me.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

• I have been telling people about this essay series I’ve been writing for weeks (edit: months now), yet it has taken me an embarrassingly long time to get this piece to your inbox, as is the case with most of my pieces. Originally my goal was before I left for China - I am currently on my flight to Shanghai tipping tapping away in hopes of wrapping the essay up in a neat little bow. It is not the best situation that I have a 3 hour delay but atleast it gives me a few more hours to write — fast forward — I am editing from my Shanghai hotel room — fast forward — i am posting from Chongqing — fast forward — I’m posting from Guangzhou — fast forward — i’m back in toronto lmfao, went to new york and back, and now i’m ACTUALLY finally posting… why do i do this

  • For some context on the series: I was writing about closeness and friendship and felt like there was so much to touch on that I couldn’t contain in one piece. Ambitious, but I hope to drop the remainder of the series before the new year :’)

• In other news: I went to China for the first time! It was fun but also felt a bit lackluster at times. I tend to post the highlights on my IG stories and everyone says it looks like I had a blast, but I find it’s always in the mundane moments I have the most fun than it is the big spectacles. Inside jokes between my family, laughter over the dinner table. Most of my purchases were blind boxes and trinket-adjacent things, we entered every Pop Mart we saw. I bought new volleyball shoes. Weather was not my favourite but was manageable. It was difficult for me to appreciate the food with my restrictions. I got tired of Chinese food, I’d get indigestion at fancy restaurants. Most of my trips have felt like this recently, despite knowing I did have fun I think it’s the novelty wear off - now that I’ve travelled around a bit I’ve noticed that many experiences are similar, just packaged differently. I also think I just hate being thrown off my routine; I find joy in eating meals on time, working on projects I love, exercising regularly, seeing my friends - all of which I didn’t get to do much. It was also my first time travelling with my family abroad to a new place together which comes with its own set of challenges (though I love them!).

• I turned 24 in Chongqing! With the travels it has been difficult for me to properly slow down and reflect on all that there was in the last year. I hope to do so soon.

• In the last two months prior to the trip, I’ve felt very at peace. Life has been so stably amazing that I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself. It is easy for me to get up in the mornings and get to work. I am working out regularly and working on my ankle rehab still (I am able to play volleyball again!). I am seeing my friends. I feel so unbelievably lucky to be surrounded by people I love.

• A new Asian grocery mart opened near my condo and I honestly believe it’s a top contributor to how great I’ve felt recently, turns out all I needed was a walkable Asian grocer. My mental health is so up. I go to this store multiple times a day. Life is so awesome

• I saw SEVENTEEN for the third time in Tacoma and everytime I see them I am reminded of how much I love being a SEVENTEEN fan. Everyone at the concert had such great outfits, adorned with SEVENTEEN-specific clear concert bags, bejeweled lighsticks, and custom-designed freebies that have given me a new life goal: I would like to become rich so I can devote my life to being a full-time SEVENTEEN stan. It is soooo much work and I am impressed by how these fans have managed to do it.

• I went on a 14-day Instagram ban prior to my trip to see SEVENTEEN/China and honestly it has been really nice. I’ve found that I’m slightly less of a compulsive poster due to physically being unable to, and I had kept a private Are.na channel in the meanttime to fuel that posting desire. I don’t have as strong of a desire to see what everyone’s up to, nor spend hours sucked into Reels. It’s great. I would say my usage is minimal since re-downloading it as well.

• A few other tidbits from the last 3 months:

  • Celebrated MM’s birthday

  • Powerpoint nights and silly minute-to-win-it games hosted by MM

  • Went on a scavenger hunt across the UofT campus

  • I’ve discovered I like milk. A grown woman at the ripe age of 24, discovering that she is both lactose and that she also enjoys lactose-free milk in the timespan of a few months. Go crazy.

  • Went to new york for a bit and met up with friends and acquaintances every day, I feel very lucky to know I have good company in a few different cities :’)

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• Watched “Date my Friend” - a Korean reality show about celebrities who have volunteered their friends to participate in dating show where they date each other. I love the concept bc of how emotionally invested all the panelists are, honestly probably the most entertaining part of the show. after i finished i went to reddit to see what others thoughts and lots of controversy but i liked it lol. i find i enjoy a lot of things more when not subject to the opinions of others

• You’re catching me at a very locked-in time of my life. Because of this, I have pretty much been exclusively listening to 2 playlists on repeat for the month of September as well as into October: 1) the entire discography of Kainbeats (a lo-fi beats artist) and 2) my “obsession-core” playlist comprised of sports anime osts (think haikyuu, blue lock, etc.)

• Watched Physical Asia and as a result am determined to become an athletic weapon in 2026… I got hyrox-pilled overnight and we shall see how that will pan out for me next year

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• L, for being silly with me and inspiring most of this post

• M, as always, for your presence and grace. also for getting me a snoopy toy camera for my birthday :’)

• C, for buying me another snoopy plate in Kyoto after mine broke, among many other things

• Y, for telling me to just stop worrying and having that mindset shift actually impact my life so drastically (link to tweet here)

• ML, a long-time carat (seventeen fan) I met at the concert who helped me buy a beanie in the VIP merch line when it was sold out in the regular merch line, and who also gave F and I lots of tips on the concert/pre-concert activities (despite being a regular seventeen concert go-er it seems I was ill-prepared). She was also barricade at the show and happened to get on the jumbotron for AJU NICE high note and I felt so proud.

• A, who helped takeover hosting my creative co-working series while S and I were away

  • The above community for a lovely cottage retreat and birthday potluck celebrating our 1-year anniversary :’)

• AG^2 for escape rooms and adventures in Wonderland (as well as driving for most of it)

• MM for baking me apple pie

• My family for a great China trip together

• Any of my friends who I may not have drawn examples from in this post, but believe me I appreciate and value you so so deeply and am so grateful for our friendship :’)

It’s been a whole quarter since my last update, which has thrown me into a familiar cycle of feeling like I can’t get an update out because the thoughts I had are no longer timely, despite knowing every time I read one my old posts they will still resonate.

I like transporting to those moments in time, to all those moments that I was feeling. I wonder if I should go back in time to rewrite those moments and what they meant to me, or if the fact they went undocumented is part of the memory. It doesn’t feel quite right to post backlogged content that I don’t currently feel a certain way about, but I also don’t want to lose traces of the very real thoughts and feelings I had.

Inspired by “If I love you, it’s because in some way we are the same type of bastard”, I’ve compiled some of my inner thoughts from the last 4 months on a variety of topics, lightly edited for privacy/clarity. Take it as my compromise for this feeling. A word of warning though that this piece doesn’t really go anywhere, I wouldn’t say there’s a point I’m trying to make. I wrote most of this to process my own emotions, with no intent to publish them.

Perhaps the point is in allowing myself to share all the intrusive thoughts I normally wouldn’t feel comfortable publishing. Where I ask the same questions over and over, unsure of the answers I seek. Whatever it is, here’s a glimpse into my interiority. Best enjoyed while you’re cozily seated somewhere with your warm beverage of choice.

Keep an Eye on Summer - Jacob Collier

04/19/2025 - green seedless grapes
I’m at a cottage in Barrie thinking about closeness and connection, as per F’s share of S’ recent post. I feel I’m entering a transitory phase of who I hold close to me.

“We’ll never get this winter in Toronto arc with the same people again,” K says to me on the way home from volleyball. It saddens me.

Time and time again, people will come in and out of your life like seasons. And for the first time in recent memory, everyone is leaving me. Maybe the reason I feel so compelled to leave all the time is so I can leave before others leave me. That seems a bit unfair to them, though.

This time, perhaps I accept this is the nature of where I’ve chosen to call home. The city is a transient hub, where people always come and go. There may be people who are only here for a season, but I really hope we’re friends for life.

05/04/2025

I am happy about how comfortable I have gotten with writing over the last two years. The last time I was in Korea, I was writing my first blog post that took me an entire day holed up in a cafe to put out, nervously soliciting the feedback of three friends before I hit publish for the internet to see. I was so nervous. Now, I don’t care too much. I just say how I feel, and it always pleasantly surprises me to see other people relate to how I feel.

And now all of a sudden, I’m at 300+ substack subscribers when I was first at 16.

300 feels small, but it is also so huge. It makes me greedy. It makes me want 1,000 by the end of the year - it would be a dream. Not because of the number, more so the fact I don’t feel so alone anymore.

05/22/2025

It feels like I’ve forgotten who I am. I’m in Seoul, and finally have a chance to breathe after two weeks of non-stop travel with L and N. In this time, I haven’t been on twitter very much, barely been checking my calendar, haven’t played volleyball, haven’t even checked in on other friends much either. I feel lost. I don’t know what I’m going to do this year, I don’t have a ‘marker’ to define this era anymore. I joke about how going to Asia was going to ‘fix’ me, but if anything I feel more lost. They were right when they said travelling to Asia won’t solve all your problems.

I’m only letting myself spend $200 this week, I don’t want to spend more. I need to sell my New Balances when I’m home because there was only one size down from my usual size available, and I thought I could handle it. I couldn’t. Why do I do this to myself? Why try to make size 8 shoes fit on size 9 feet?

I’m trying to remember who I am by looking at my website and reading my past Substack pieces. Once again, I want to rebrand. Looking at my website with fresh eyes, I feel like there are layers of me that need to be reintroduced. I feel like I can get so much better at my craft. I feel like there’s so much opportunity waiting for me, if only I go out and create it.

I’m reminded how much I love the cafe culture in Seoul. I brought my junk journal but didn’t scrap a single thing. Maybe I will start when I’m back at the Airbnb. There’s no windows there but it feels spacious. It’s nice, still.

I want to go out, explore, feel free. I want to sit on the tennis court and feel the wind go through my hair, watch the people play. I miss the park near 77 Florence, and eating chicken katsu sandos from Imanishi.

..

When I recall highlights from my trip, it’s never the big events. They’re the little moments that punctuate the day, the unexpected ones that come like a surprise. It’s belly laughter at 1am, giggling quietly about high school drama as to not wake the neighbours. The grandma who sold me pajamas by packing it in my bag before i could even pay. Getting a madeleine on the house from a cafe because I spoke Korean. Our taxi driver on the first day in Busan who was like a Dad and gave us so many recs - so sweet!

06/01/2025 - optimization

When I was alone in Seoul, I realized I didn’t really know what to do with myself. It was my first time solo travelling ever, basically. Even though I lived there before, it didn’t feel like I was on my own since I had roommates. But when it was just me, alone in the airbnb, I had this weird feeling of like “oh, i can do anything.” Which on one hand you can look at like “oh, I can do ANYTHING!” (beaming with optimism), but I think for me it felt a little daunting/dreading and I’m not sure why.

I think I let myself go a bit, probably exhausted from travels. I would feel bad about myself for waking up at 11am - I’d watch Devil’s Plan in my airbnb with no sunlight. Then I’d maybe explore a neighbourhood, questioning if waiting alone for 30min for this viral toast cafe was worth it. Every decision was questioned - was it optimal? I feel like when i’m with my friends, I don’t care as much about whether a decision is optimal or not because I feel like you can make good memories regardless, and you can kill the time waiting by hanging out with each other. But when it’s just me, I feel this sense of “I need to ensure I’m making the best decisions possible” on my own. No sounding board to bounce off of. Am I constantly just seeking validation from others? When it’s just me, what then?

In these times, it’s been nice to be able to turn to my friends online. Texting K or watching M’s videos gives me a sense of comfort and home.

06/06/2025 - project debt

Something I've been thinking about recently is how easy it is for things to pile up. You start one project then another, your favourite appliance breaks and you start tolerating ways to live without it but the little annoyances still affect you. There’s an idea gnawing at the back of your head or you know that the toilet is broken yet you couldn’t be arsed to fix it.

I call these things project debt. Like regular debt, it pays off to take care of it quickly and/or consistently, and it can destroy you if left unmanaged. Every time I go to brush my teeth I think about how I should really just buy a water flosser. Yet, I don’t do it. I have some imaginary blockers in my head.

And just as easy is things are to pile up, they can be taken care of. If I just did a little bit each day, if I just decided to go to Shoppers on the way home. It would be nice to have some sort of AR glasses that give me context-based reminders of what I need.

06/08/2025

I’m excited for the future because there is always more opportunity to grow into the person I want to become, that I’m meant to become. To get better at my craft, my sport, my being. There are more hours available to pour into what I love. I’m not out of time; time gets replenished for me every 24 hours. Isn’t that awesome? You literally gain time each day you’re alive.

06/10/2025 - crutches

• feeling lonely, it is times like these that force you to think about who you lean on for help, who do you immediately call on?

• having to call myself ubers, make decisions on the spot, walk home in the rain in crutches. i didn’t even know my armpits could be sore

• reaaaalllly wish i had a partner in these times

• feels like i cant even ask for help without feeling like an inconvenience

• feels stupid and pathetic to cry over these little things, i tend to react like this over any minor inconvenience

• everything always feels really bad in the moment but then its fixed with an iced mango matcha. why is that

06/11/2025

i sprained my ankle and realized I didn’t know who to call. i didnt want to bother people if they were busy. this isn't a dunk on my friends who i love so much, but i think an inherent realization is i still have hyperindependent tendencies that have never really gone away. i felt silly for bringing the mood down if people were having fun. even when talking to my parents i felt the need to downplay my injury as to not worry them

06/15/2025

coming back to seoul was a distant hug from the past: i trace these streets with the ghost of my former self lingering in the shadows. a lot can happen in 2 years and though the city didnt change much i know i did.

im one of those people who will never shut up about exchange even though it was 2 years ago and 4 months long. for as long as i live i will be fond of those memories and i have korea to thank for it

06/17/2025

I’m rediscovering who I am. I’m using this month as a month of discovery and rest and preparation for the second half of the year - June has always had this sort of effect on me, much like December.

Last night B slept over and we chatted a bit in my room. My desk was clean for the first time in a while, she thought my room was aesthetic. Crazy how it could appear this way to others, when I spent so long longing for the type of room I’d see on Pinterest. And that now, it’s slowly becoming that. I’m becoming the person I’ve always wanted it to be, or atleast it seems as so on the surface. I felt some of the effects yesterday when I was doing my self care routine. All these things, albeit little on its own, together make me realize it’s quite a luxury, quite a privilege. All these things I picked up on and learned over time. What. A. Privilege.

I read this morning that it is a privilege to be suffering from a challenge you chose for yourself, and I am grateful.

I love the Tiktok trend with the perspective of waking up in your 20 something year old body as a 90 year old. Really makes me want to cherish these moments more before they’re over, and not be so fast to rush into next, next, next. To not need to yearn so desperately for the future, though I’m excited for it. I want to take my time. The time will pass anyways.

I feel calm, I think it’s a byproduct of my environment. I’m so excited to do more with it! I’m so excited to make this space my own.

06/19 - life purpose

• i used to be so convinced abt this life purpose thing

• that life has no meaning unless u have this purpose ur chasing

• but now im not so sure

• maybe its not about having a purpose

• maybe my purpose can just be

• being alive

• and iterating towards a life i truly want to live

06/25/2025 - my weaknesses

Sometimes I wonder if I’m stuck up, or if I have a superiority complex. Im wondering if its obnoxious for me to talk the way i do, does my voice sound kinda nasally? Do i sound standoffish to others? Does any of this really matter? Should i care?

Anyways, I definitely feel I was more uptight when I was younger than I am now, and treat others better now than I did before.

It’s hard to be a perfect human, no one is.

I would like to work on my articulation!

I would like to work on my humility, I would like to work on my kindness.

I would like to work on showing, not telling.

Recurringly, people tell me I’m capable. That I’m so capable but maybe don’t take advantage of my capabilities enough, and could be doing so much more with it. And I don’t know, maybe that’s true maybe that isn’t. How do I change this? Do I need to - do I want to?

07/06/2025

I want to stay up because I’m afraid if I go to sleep, I’ll have to wake up. And when I wake up, I’ll have to leave. And that’s the last time we’d ever see each other.

07/13/2025 - least of my worries

My grandma isn’t getting any younger - my problems are the least of my worries.

My dad faces high pressure from his job everyday and introducing him to stress isn’t worth it - my problems are the least of my worries.

My mom is getting a bit frazzled in how she moves through the world - my problems are the least of my worries.

A boy is the least of my worries.

Grateful for everything I have and for the ability to do what I love.

07/14/2025

I’ve been told I write as if talking to an old friend. But I want my words to be sharper. To hit harder. To have the same feeling of my subconscious rambles, yet they’re concise. They have weight, they have impact. I want my writing to feel heavy.

07/16/2025 - what i’m learning about myself when it comes to love

• I am someone who has a lot of love to give

• And i mean a LOT

• There are lots of people in the world for me to love!

• It is just so easy for me to love someone because i am full of it

07/20/2025

Your brain is trying to trick you. Push through the initial tiredness, the initial resistance. It’s like running. Once you reach a certain point, hit a certain flow state. You will find that you love creating and you love working and you can actually do it.

07/23/2025 - locking in

• so i find that when a task i need to do is urgent, and i keep thinking about how it is urgent but put it off, i feel more and more guilty that i am not doing it.

• it is difficult when i dont feel like doing it. but when will i ever feel like doing it? for a while, i did not feel like doing typo.love until it became the thing that ended up helping me procrastinate my other tasks / i was really excited with where it was going

• so maybe the key is to get really excited about the potential upsides of the task i am working on, and trust that any time i put in to trying to make it work is not time wasted, it is time spent working towards the answer.

• i also find that when i am truly locked into something, i forget to eat or use the washroom. the day of launch, i had so many tasks and knew exactly what i needed to do before launch that i didnt rlly do anything until i tweeted, and felt huge relief after. i knew what i needed to do, i just needed the time to do it.

07/27/2025 - what it means to be present

The leaves rustle, the cars whiz by. Time passes. The time will pass anyways - how will you choose to spend it? Why spend it worrying?

I think something that has largely rewired my brain from spending the past month with H is how less future-oriented I’ve become as a result. Of course, I am constantly thinking about the Future™. But observing him, watching how he moves in the world, watching how I react to him as a result; I notice he moves swiftly. He doesn’t think twice - not in a bad way, but in a “if something requires action to be taken, i might as well do it now” way. He doesn’t wait to start a task until he is in the right emotional state to do it like I do. He just does it right away.

I wonder when I can be like that. There is often weight to my worry, it doesn’t leave me quite so easily. It doesn’t fly away. Stones bound these strings of thought to the ground, and I wonder when someone will come along and untie them.

..

Dating people are like mirrors. You see a reflection of yourself in them, the way you operate and move through the world is seen in a completely different lens with different people. You become a mirror to them, too. You start seeing yourself in a different light, notice how light you are with them. Notice how easily triggered you get - the anxieties, the anger. Notice how it shows up in you. Notice who makes you feel that way.

..

I find I experience a lot of time guilt in my day to day. Spending the time worrying about how you’re spending the time, rather than just spending the time.

When I work, I feel guilty I’m not working on something else. Yet, I never feel guilty on a lunch break. How do I channel that same energy? For example, I don’t feel guilty about not working when I’m at an event dedicated to not working. But if I were at home for the whole day on Sunday intending to work instead of going to such an event, and I end up not doing work, then I would feel guilty for both skipping the event and not getting any work done. How terrible is that! I know myself, and I know that that is exactly what would happen.

..

I’m not sure if the goal in life is to minimize pain. Something something about how if I did not know this pain, I would not know how good I could have it, and how much better it could even get.

The time is never wasted, it’s just complete. The time spent is always worth it to me.

…

Once again, a quarter has passed. A quarter has passed without me publishing a new piece, a quarter has passed without many of my new year goals being achieved. At an event in Vancouver I was asked, “If you could be any time of year/day/month, what would you be?” and I answered with the concept that I was 2 weeks at a time. Because for 2 weeks at a time, I am at bliss, I am at peace. I’m the most productive I’ve ever been in my life. But catch me in the wrong 2 weeks, and I’m crashing out. I’m burning, things are going wrong wrong wrong. But then it comes back around and they become so right again! It was a half joke but also I think considering menstrual cycle timings it makes so much sense.

08/02/2025 - bogged

These days, I am feeling a bit boggy. Tangled. There are many loose ends yet to be resolved.

I wonder whats next for me. I wonder when I can rest. I wonder when I can just be without worry. Yet I also want to be at the top of my craft. I wonder when my ankle will be healed. I want to play volleyball again.

08/10/2025 - do i actually want it?

Can you have more specificity in the thing that you’re looking for? What exactly do you want to learn? Who exactly do you want to work with?

Give yourself a deadline. X months. The sooner you do it, the sooner you’ll learn and get to iterate on the experience! Then you don’t have to spend so much time worrying about what it would be like to experience it, because you’ve already done it.

I am thinking about paths again. A year ago I wrote where the wind blows, and a year later it feels like not much has changed. I’m still thinking about craft, still thinking about what to double down on and what to focus on, still thinking about all the plants I need to water. Writing, community, design craft, actual work (clients), volleyball, rehab, learning Korean. All of these elements are important to me and make me who I am, yet I know that my watering each plant I’m unable to make any one plant fully bloom. What do I actually want? What’s different this time around?

08/11/2025 - speedrunning the context

When you establish a goal, make contact with it as soon as possible to understand if this is truly your goal or not. Hold long term goals loosely so that you can course correct as you gain new context.

In video games, you speedrun by manipulating the pre-established “walls” and “fixtures” set in the game. You can glitch through them, if you care enough to look and explore.

..

What do I like and not like?

I don’t like it when I operate out of fear. When it feels like I am working on projects in order to not disappoint, not because I actually like the project.

I come the most alive when I have dedicated time to ideate. I love the idea of trusting the process, knowing that I will eventually Get Somewhere.

I like being able to express my visions exactly the way I envision them to be.

08/16/2025

when asked about my visions for the future, I responded:

08/19/2025

I missed a call because I was focused on ___. Notice how swiftly you move in the face of something you actually do want - all this time it's not that you wanted it but were too lazy to take action, it's that perhaps the shiny thing you think you wanted is someone else's dream you were trying to fool yourself into thinking was yours.

When you actually care about something and it aligns with your values, you already know how to move quick and you will do what is necessary to move with brevity. Trust your gut, trust yourself, trust you will always do what’s best for yourself.

The entries stop here as I’m publishing this piece on August 20, 2025, though I’ve been editing them since August 16. I’m still not sure how much of this was okay to say out loud - I so badly want to be this mysterious, perfectly packaged person, you know? But I’m not. Part of who I am is my desire to share and be public. I won’t force something against my nature.

Thank you if you’ve made it this far.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

this entire post was a bit of a life update, but in more plain terms:

• travelled to south korea and japan in may with two of my best friends!

• i sprained my ankle (grade 2) early june playing volleyball and i haven’t really been the same since, it was the first time i’ve gotten a serious injury. actively trying to rehab, but i really miss volleyball.

• performed with @suddensoundstoronto while on crutches

• ran a chaotic speed design event for toronto tech week (i never ended up posting a proper recap, oops)

• spent two weeks at home in vancouver, one of which was ravaged by a lot of work at once. my friends recommend that the next time i go to vancouver, i should take a proper vacation

• spent a weekend in montreal earlier this month for osheaga! i am not very big on music festivals but it was a fun experience with new and old friends :)

• busy busy busy but trying to slow it down. trying to be more intentional.

• a new asian grocer opened up in my area and i predict i will be cooking a lot more now. it’s a little too accessible for me to have an excuse

• i purchased a portable cd player (as a part of an IU album) and it’s by far my favourite purchase of 2025. I’m obsessed

• soaking up the last of toronto summer with my beautiful wonderful friends

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• music:

  • artists i’ve happened to get really into (either discovered or had a renewed interest in) over the last few months (in no particular order): miki, dominic fike, ash island, bbno$, daniel caesar, wasia project, jenevieve

    • particularly scorpion ascendant scorpion by Miki, s/o abtin for putting me on

  • justin bieber swag album of course. also One Time by Justin Bieber (a classic if you ask me)

  • keshi’s WANTCHU

  • kpop demon hunters soundtrack, of course (twas a saja boy summer!)

  • CDs I have so that I can put them in my newly acquired cd player (notably NIKI’s Nicole album, the best of SEVENTEEN’s hits in the last decade)

• shows/movies:

  • finished: hidden love (c-drama), squid game s2, devil’s plan s2, weak hero s2, better late than single (LOVED this one)

  • started/dropped: apothecary diaries, pyramid game, the final draft, secret millionaire, beyond the bar

  • there are probably more but i’ve forgotten since it’s been so long ;-;

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• L and N, for being my day ones and make it feel like old times again on our trip

• KV, JK, EL, BC, FG, and JR for a winter toronto arc to remember

• SJ, SC, CH, KL, for your company and support

• MT and AW, for hearing me out

• H, for your presence

• T, for your kindness

• K, for your friendship

• M, for being my rock

• C, for giving me feedback on this post (as always)

A number of you have subscribed recently, presumably from my archiving and/or virality piece—thank you! I write about a variety of topics pertaining to ephemerality, self-growth, relationships, and basically anything you might find in my journal. Not every piece is for everyone, but if you do find something that resonates with you I’d always love to hear so.

Before Spring Ends by Wang OK

I’m writing more now than I ever have in my life, even if I haven’t posted in over two months. But I’ve been having many more conversations with my thoughts and ideas than previously. They feel like gum—like I could clutch each thought and stretch it, stick them to surrounding thought fragments until they merge into one Big Idea glob.

Two years ago, it was difficult for me to write everyday like this. I couldn’t imagine anyone would want to hear what I would have to say, let alone feel like I could conjure ideas consistently enough to whip into the shape of an essay. But because of my semi-daily practice, commitment to jotting down ideas whenever I can, writing when I feel messy, and making an active effort to make it public — writing is now second nature.

I feel the same when it comes to running. When I haven’t gone on a run in a long time, 2km feels treacherous. But then I start running more. 3km, 4km, until eventually 5km runs become my baseline. Last year, I ran my first 10k race in six years, and I even beat my personal record. It was a feat I hadn’t imagined myself accomplishing.

In both writing and running, I established a new baseline. A new floor, so that I can break through higher ceilings for myself. As my floor raises, so does my ceiling. I’m sure one day 10km runs will be my new baseline too.

The first phase of self expansion is this realization that you, too, can do things beyond your original imagination. You expand your capacity when your limiting beliefs about yourself are squashed. The stories you tell yourself can be rewritten, the narratives you’ve painted about your life can be covered up in layers. Your life is a canvas.

Whenever I’m reminded of this, it makes me wonder. What are my limits, really? Can I increase them? How much can I handle? How much am I capable of? How much higher can I soar? What’s stopping me?

✻

limits

There are times where I worry I’ve peaked, that I can never top the last quarter or half year or year of my life ever again. I always feel like I need some sort of grand event that marks an era of my life for me, to remember that era by. In 2023 it was living in Seoul on exchange, in 2024 it was moving to Toronto. What now? Have I peaked?

What I'm learning is that actually, I don’t think I’ll ever peak. I’m not sure I’ll ever reach my full potential, and I find peace in that.

Not because I don't believe in myself — it's because I believe in myself so deeply that I know I will never reach it. Because if you put yourself in a position where you can say you've reached your full potential, could you possibly be limiting yourself? Might there be even more you can achieve?

I want to be quadrilingual. Compete in the Olympics. Have a successful Substack. Be a renowned designer. Host my own exhibitions in Seoul. I have all these things I want; all these dreams, all these things to yearn for. Is that too much to ask for? I’m excited by the possibilities more than I am discouraged by any stagnant progress in them. It feels a bit taboo to admit these things sometimes, but it’s the truth.

In others’ eyes, my efforts might feel futile. But if what I do doesn’t make sense to others, that’s all the more reason to do them.

You can’t beat time. Choosing to sow seeds now can bear fruits for years to come. Your rate of growth isn’t linear; it has a compounding effect, it should be exponential.

You need to build in lots of opportunities to bump into the limits of your own knowledge.
…
Compound interest reveals new vistas to you. The more you learn about a topic, the easier it is to take in new knowledge about the same topic, so an expert might be able to ingest new knowledge at something like 100x the rate of a novice. Reminding yourself that learning can turn you into a radically better version of yourself through the power of compounding returns can be incredibly motivating.

— Andy Masley, Strategies for Learning

for the love of the game

A few weeks ago, I had a particularly tough volleyball training session, both mentally and physically.1

Gasping for breath, that day on the court reminded me what persistence tastes like. Metallic, from the blood I had to swallow down my throat. Salty, from the beads of sweat coating me head to toe. It sounded like my coach’s demands, seared in my memory. It looked like glares of disdain from my teammates, and it viscerally felt like the scene in Whiplash where the MC does everything he can to get to the performance despite getting hit by a car and dripping in blood by the time he’s on stage.2

Some days I can sense my improvement. Then there are days, weeks I find myself frustrated by my progress, wonder why things come naturally to others but so begrudgingly painful for me to work through. At times it feels like my progress is regressing, despite putting in the hours. I doubt myself, if raw hours are enough.

But oh, how it feels to persist, to push through something in the name of love despite not being very good at it. It feels so utterly humiliating, embarrassing, and vulnerable at times. Yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I like the challenge, though. (…) [T]he challenge of consistently doing something I’m bad at, over and over again.

— Stevie Martin, from reading a book in a cafe kinda sucks?

People ask me how I’m so dedicated to my hobbies and its strange, I find myself wanting to justify how everything else in my life is possible because of my hobbies and not in spite of it. Yet the only reason that feels true is simply this: I do it for the love of the game. I don’t write because it’s something I want to do. I write because it’s something I need to do. It’s actively detrimental to me if I don’t write, just like how if I go longer than two days without playing volleyball I feel ill. Volleyball isn’t a choice for me; I simply can’t help but to play volleyball. There’s this inexplicable inner imperative (h/t bill watterson) drawing these activities out of me, it’s out of my control.

Writing, volleyball, hosting community events, learning Korean. My hobbies are my lifeline, my ambrosia.

✻

T asked me a few weeks ago why I want to be the best. I shrugged. I’m just curious, I responded. It was the best answer I could give. What would it be like to be the best?

Addicted to learning, I’m constantly chasing the new, the novel. I keep yearning to expand my mind, to stretch its capabilities. Every time I encounter new information I’d like to explore deeply, or a skill I’d like to acquire, my mind buzzes: what are the limits of the human brain? how much can i remember? what if i just learned everything there is to know in the world? what would happen then?

I still don’t have all the answers. But atleast I know I have myself, and I have people who believe in me by my side.

Whenever I’m down, returning to this idea of pursuing the things that make me feel alive is what grounds me. After all, the only way out is through.

If you approach life in this way, you will find many things become seemingly easy—it’s a cheat code honestly.

To do the things you’re meant to do. To, everyday, work on becoming the version of yourself that feels the most alive. To do things that make you come alive everyday. To rise towards the person you’re meant to be.

You can soar even higher.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

• February felt like a month where I was breaking free. Escaping the confines of my own mind, my cycles of overthinking, my prisons of guilt. I started letting go of some negative self-talk and self-doubt, despite there being some days where I was still not in a great headspace.

  • Started going to physio to treat my knee/calf, a volleyball-induced muscle strain that hasn’t gone away. I’m reminded to treat my body like a temple, and I hope to shift a larger focus to my health in Q2.

• March has been busy. Between a fully booked client schedule and numerous community events (both attending and hosting), and I’m so grateful!

  • Hosted a potluck demo day with my friends where we shared food and shared wisdom via powerpoint presentation - each person prepared a deck to teach everyone a less on a skill or topic they’re interested in.

  • C visited Toronto and we had a lovely board games night, been having lots of fun hosting board games nights with friends recently

  • A reader recently described my writing as sharing about “nothing, yet everything at the same time.” I think I like this description. I like to write as if I’m talking to an old friend, which I am. I’m talking to the past and future versions of me.

  • started introducing more of my friends to each other! my high school friends meeting and hanging out with some of my toronto friends independently of me…. soooo full circle

  • Socratica Symposium and post-symposium house was a fever dream

  • my friend reached 500K followers on IG and we celebrated by throwing her a surprise party! followed by a powerpoint girls night she was hosting :’)

  • Everyday in my journal, I’ve started keeping track of what I did that day. Looking back, I realize how much I’ve done in a day despite always feeling like I’ve done nothing. I’m grateful for this gratitude practice.

• The first half of April has also had me swimming with work, but in a good way. I’m locking in, doing what I can to prep in advance of my trip to Asia in May.

  • Watched the Lion King musical (my first musical ever!) with friends, had a puzzle party, played a 2003 game cube edition of Mario Kart

  • I can count atleast 10 people who live within a 15-minute walking distance from me and it really truly is so awesome. I get texted to come over to try bread my friend baked, to spontaneously meet up and co-work or go on a walk, to go out for brunch

  • I’ve been learning to let things go. To loosen my grip on what I can’t control, to relax my shoulders and ease the tension in my neck. To release myself of pursuing rabbitholes that are counterproductive to my healing. To sit in silence.

  • I’ve mentioned this before, but i’m continuing to host a weekly co-creation series with my friends where we gather to make things we love. Recurringly, the phrase “see you on Sunday” has felt like a warm bowl of noodles to me. I’m reminded of the beauty of having a recurring hangout to look forward to every week, and it has been a major highlight of my days.

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• watching: finished this Japanese dating show called Offline Love, where the premise is strangers from Japan who have been plopped into Nice, France, without their phones. Their only way of communication is by letter mail, and serendipitously bumping into each other on the street, such that it feels like fate. Highly recommend and a change of pace from Singles Inferno which felt a lot more dramatic for no reason, whereas this series had a high focus on finding genuine love and was overall really cute and lovely :)

  • I also finished the First Frost, a c-drama centred on a childhood romance (love love loved it), I’m currently watching another c-drama of the same producer, Hidden Love. I finished When Life Gives You Tangerines and cried every episode as well as became super homesick :’)

• listening to: k-drama happy osts, Color You by CHAI and Sam Kim, heardya by templuv, Bluebird by BIBI, and a lot of Japanese city pop

• reading: Poor Charlie’s Almanack (s/o Stripe Press for the new copy), the 5 Types of Wealth (clearly I am in my finance era)

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• C and S for our (mostly) weekly Discord yaps

• all my Mosaic regulars (you know who you are)

  • special soft spot shoutout to KV, JK, EL for all the board game nights & yaps over pho, my dearest vancouver → toronto kiddos who are leaving the city after this semester. it deeply saddens me and i will miss you all :’)

• the 11 people who were insane enough to accept my invitation to play volleyball at 10-11:30pm on a wednesday night, and the people who were also down within a 2-hour notice to play the next week from 9-11pm when my drop-in got cancelled and my brother was visiting me. yall are awesome

• everyone in general who is down to play volleyball with me, recently KD for joining me as a neighbour and regular volleyball drop-in go-er

• Socratica for changing my life in 2023, and seeing its impact ripple through to today. Symposium was a movie fr

• House Harko for being the best cabin group I could ever ask for <3

• T for curating the best place to be for technocreative endeavours in Toronto

• FG and LN for inviting me over to their homes for dinner parties <3

• MT for inviting me to a new brunch place in Toronto that has the best pancakes i have ever had in my entire life you HAVE to try them

Holocene by Bon Iver

background context

I woke up yesterday to seeing numbers on a recent tweet unexpectedly climb. From 600 likes, to 1K, to 10K, to 50K and now at 150k+ likes and counting with over 5M views, making it my most viral post ever.

How did you come up with this idea? Where do you get your inspiration from?

Here’s the thing: I don’t exactly sit down with the intention to ‘come up with ideas.’ They sort of naturally emerge as a result of striving to live a life true to myself every day, and I just make sure to write the ideas down as soon as I think of them. With this tweet in particular, I happened to come across the phrase “ransom note” while I was doing my morning scroll on Substack1, and I just thought about how it’d be funny if I wrote soft threats to my friends to encourage them to pursue their dreams. The reason I automatically think in this way though is because of how awesome my friends are, and how chats like these are a common occurrence in our group chat:

Recalling these produced my caption, “DO IT OR ELSE.” As for the quote in the graphic, I didn’t think too hard about it because it was a reminder I’ve already been giving myself recently, as I’ve thought about wanting to do all the things on my backlog.

This story is just me trying to say idea generation is not what you need to worry about — it’s creating the supporting infrastructure to write down and incubate your ideas, and fostering the environment for you to explore them. It’s focusing on living each day in the present so you can pay attention to what excites you and absorb what’s going on, and intentionally consuming a diverse variety of media: film, books, art, music. It’s going on walks and bike rides and really looking at your surroundings, it’s playing your favourite sport day in and day out, it’s talking to friends over a cup of tea. Sometimes the ideas are rooted in your past, too, which may surprise you with gifts every once in a while.

I simply place myself inside of the worlds I want to live in (if none are present, I aim to create them), and let the ideas emerge from there.

What happened when you noticed there was some traction?

One thing I did do after the initial tweet was deliberately strategize what I should post next, to ride the momentum I was getting as an experiment to see how far I could push it. I recalled a framework for virality from a piece my friend S wrote on his experience with virality too.2 To produce my own tailwind, I noted down what made people drawn to the original post: notably, the aggressively positive energy, paired with an aesthetic visual, subtle notes of humour, and situated within the context of the origin story.

Without any of these components, I don’t think my tweet would’ve been as successful as it was. I decided to see if making another tweet in the same style and arranging them in different phrases would also be popular. I was right. While not as popular as the original, it did soar over 20K likes and 700K views (as of time of writing). I also used the tactic of quote-tweeting my own viral tweet with the new graphics, and subsequently linking that new tweet in the thread of the viral tweet, adding another humorous caption to grab attention. I was replying to requests from people for additional quotes or wallpapers, which gained traction too.

What’s next?

Now, I could’ve pushed this further and started making an entire wallpaper pack etc. or build my own app. In another life, I believe I could create an entire personal brand out of this as it seems there’s a real market out there for creative x hope/obsession-core content.

But if I’m being honest, it’s just not something I’m currently interested in. I’m not interested in the attention/potential opportunities to monetize off of something similar to this, given this isn’t my main craft (I’d much rather be known for something and make a more lasting impact pertaining to product design/writing/community in specific). The real value I’ve been getting though is the meta of observing how this has resonated with and positively impacted so many people.

I would like to take my own advice and focus on finishing the projects I already have on my plate instead. After all, I make things for myself. That tweet was a reminder to me, first and foremost, and it just turns out there are many people just like me.

learnings

What did you learn from this experiment?

So much. I’m already littering them throughout this piece, but here are some loose thoughts as well:

1. There is a small window of opportunity if you want to capitalize off any sort of fame. I felt this pressure to keep producing while people were excited, promote myself while it was gaining traction, because I knew it would die down or atleast slow its rate of reach within a day or so. People kept telling me what to do, telling me what they thought I should do next, how I should leverage it. At first I wanted to follow the thread of excitement, see where it goes. But the thing was, intuitively, I feel most at peace following other things that excited me more and the existing projects I value. I’m continuing to stick by this, unless I feel like making anything else related for fun.

2. I’m realizing just how far any one individual’s impact can go. This isn’t just impacting me, it’s impacting the millions of eyes its reached, it’s impacting their loved ones, and the people I love who see it circulating.

3. There are so many people in the world, seeing the numbers was actually mind-shattering. I was reaching Spanish twitter, Japanese twitter, and more. Just helps put things into perspective.

4. Just when I think I’ve hit my peak, the previous ceiling breaks and a higher one is formed. It’s probably going to die down after 10k. Oh, it’s at 50k now? It’ll die down now. Wait.. you’re telling me it’s at 100k?! While this might’ve been a lucky stint and not be the case for everything in life, it’s showing me just how much bigger I can dream. Surprise yourself. You can soar higher.

5. Practically, people seem to really love A) a broad generalization that they shoehorn into their own circumstances e.g. a motivational phrase, and B) a pretty visual. Those two alone are already pretty good for virality, but combining those two in different permutations would likely yield a lot of net positive results.

Have you gotten this much attention before with previous content? What feels different this time?

I wouldn’t say I’ve “gone viral” in any of my past tweets, but I have definitely had some good traction on a few. The difference though, is they were mostly shitposts (joke tweets). There wasn’t really a tangible benefit other than a laugh or two from folks, it was fun but didn’t really do anything for me.

This time however, I was in awe. I watched in realtime as people quote-tweeted my image and shared the projects they were working on, how they were inspired to get up and start working on their projects after seeing my tweet, or tagging their friends to encourage them too.

I feel this has greatly amplified my existing perspectives on the world. I’m generally an optimist, which I know is not how everyone sees the world (and I definitely have some negative reactions in my replies). But for the most part, I can tell feelings are shifting in the reactions to my tweet, that people start believing in themselves too, because of this ironic well-intended tough love. I see it in the thousands of strangers through the screen, in my friends who know about this, and in myself.

At my core, I’ve always cared about fostering the type of environment that allows people to experiment to their heart’s content. It’s really magical to see people come together in the pursuit of the things that make their heart sing. This tweet feels like one form of that, in a scale far beyond my wildest imaginations.

What side effects do you think things like this produce?

Like I mentioned, people saw the tweet and ran with it, believed it, bought into it enough. I think this is plenty reason to make things, if not for yourself it’s so that other people might want to make things too. Thus it’s also so important for people to share their ideas, because sharing inherently permits other people to share. I’ve learned this lesson many times through my friend T, has spent much of his life this past year running experiments along a similar vein.

This can be further explained through the concept of adjacent possibles3. When one of my friends share a project or initiative they’re passionate about, it inspires. It sends a signal: it was possible for me, it’s possible for you too. You then start having this collective of people lifting each other up from actively pursuing their ideas. It could either be positive sum motivation, or this culture of “one-upping” in a productive way (i.e. oh you did that? i WILL pursue my ideas so that YOU are motivated to do so too which in turn forces ME to do so again etc., like creative rivalry).

When you surround yourself with people who remind you to push the limits of what you could ever imagine was possible for yourself, you rise to become the person they see you as. It’s why it’s so important to be surrounded by people who inspire you, who believe in you. It’s why I feel so lucky everyday to be surrounded by my people who do exactly that. People who motivate me to raise my ceiling, so that I can raise my floor.

How do you *really* feel about all of this?

This virality has somehow forced me to really sit down and process everything that’s happened up in my life up until this point, and how it’s all come about. I’m suddenly really emotional thinking about how good I have it, and I’m not trying to sound standoff-ish by saying this, but I just can’t help but feel filled with overwhelming joy and love and hope because of how much I’ve been positively impacted by the people around me. It’s funny because in my head I’m like this is just one tweet, it’s not like i’m tube girl or anything. Yet, the impact feels huge. If I feel this much off of one thing, I can only imagine how similarly some of my content creator friends must feel.

But still, I’m so grateful. I’m so grateful for my friends, and I’m so grateful for everything that has led me to the life I’m living now. Sometimes you forget how good you have it until you really take a step back.

I don’t think I can say it enough. Thank you everyone for everything.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

• i was actually working on a different piece i was going to release hopefully soon on a somewhat related topic, but then this tweet happened and i felt i had to write about it. a good example of letting the ideas naturally emerge, and the essays will write themselves!

• cut my hair and dyed it red again, but this time it’s more of a deep red-brown-purple, and i really love it. i find myself expanding my view on what colours i have on me, and red is one i always thought i would dislike. but i’m actually a really big fan of red right now! there are so many more colours i like than i thought

  • i live my life in seasons, my seasons have colours. i’m in season red right now. maybe next month will be season blue, who knows!

• heart is full from many cny festivities this year!! i have never actually made dumplings before so it was my first time and i did it twice on separate occasions with friends, i am so grateful

  • it is the year of the snake which is my year, but this also means it is worse for me, so i diligently did as many preparations as i could to maximize my luck.

• went to an open type exhibition with my friends AW, MM, FG, and it was the loveliest time followed by poutine and apple pie at Lakeview Diner

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• watching: Singles Inferno S4, and also finished Season 2 in the mean time. Also still watching Love Scout, and Hajime no Ippo!

• listening to: a lot of c-r&b in the spirit of the new lunar year, the new got7 album, old nostalgic playlists of mine like those that remind me of nights spent listening to buskers in Yeouido, and visions of summers playing spikeball in grass fields.

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• M for our 4-year accountability streak

• Cynthia for making me a red bracelet on CNY because I didn’t have one and I wanted to be protected (Traditional culture to be gifted a red bracelet by an older sister/mother) :’)

• KV for being the only other person as insane as me to commute to Vaughan in order to play volleyball

• CM for reading every blogpost and telling me about them, and recommending me the Korean classes I’m now taking :)

• of course, everyone who supported me throughout this crazy last 24h in general, and all the love for the post <3

  

In a Sweat! by Yuki Hayashi, from Run With the Wind

It’s a new year, and as one does, I have a set of goals I want to achieve this year. This is the first year I’ve decided to announce some of my goals publicly. I want it to be known what I want, if I fail what happened, how my life tends to unfold.1 This guide is another attempt at documenting as such.

In foundations, I talked about seeing things clearly and needing to get to a state where my head is clear in order to be in my most optimal form. Well, what happens when I fail to get there? When no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get myself to a point of clarity?

This happens from time to time. It’s one of the primary reasons I fail to achieve some of the goals I set out for myself during periods of break (i.e. a 2 week winter break or a sprint before an important event). I tend to time my sprints around big upcoming events, because the motivation is “to get it done before the event” so I won’t have to stress. I have grand visions and tons of excitement to start, but it fizzles out by the end and I beat myself up for it. It’s cyclical. To cope, I’ll turn to other self-help articles, but honestly I know that any “how-to’s” on productivity I read will get me inspired for all of two seconds before I find my tendencies don’t always align with what the gurus say to do.

Frustrated with this cycle, and having studied my reactions and attributing factors to it over the years, I decided to write this guide to help me (and anyone exactly like me) process my internal operations and serve as a compass for me to move through life the way I intend to. Instead of brute forcing my way into doing things, I’ve figured out a few ways to work and compromise with myself. I don’t think anything I say here will be particularly novel, just genuinely how my brain works and how I function, so dive into it at your own will.

DRIVERS: what motivates me to get things done?

Of all the highlights I had in 2024, I discovered 90% of them involved decisions in which I a) acted/executed quickly upon conception of the idea, b) was impulsive, or c) was enabled to do so from my peers.2 They were the result of letting my life unfold based on what I observed I liked and disliked. Rarely was it the case that I succeeded due to executing carefully calculated plans overtime. Bearing this in mind has given me insight to my inner operations.

Motivation can be a bit of a myth. I won’t dive too much about the merits of willpower, but it’s clear that action motivates action. Doing the thing, and doing it quickly after conception of the idea, is what turns my working gears the most. Systems and scripts (which I talk about later) help take care of everything else.

driver #1: feedback loops & obsessive spouts

This brings me to driver #1: tight feedback loops. The longer I put off something, the longer it takes for me to get it done. It is easiest for me to get things done when I do it quickly upon gaining inspiration from it. If i’m not careful, I’ll lose it, and it’ll take exponentially longer to get done. I dive into this a little more in obsessive spouts.3

Once inspiration strikes, I absolutely need to succumb to it if I want any chance of getting it done without feeling like I’m brute forcing it or doing so out of obligation. I need to close the loop as quickly as possible. This is who I am, and it’s in my nature. I simply care a lot. With the level of care I have for the things I am passionate about, I know I just need to get the ball rolling sooner than later. I do have some sort of internal compass to sort and prioritize some of these inspirations though, for example if I’m in the middle of an urgent/important work task but get inspiration strikes for a side project, I’m usually able to shelve it for later as long as I start on any aspect that can help move progress on it that same day.

Additionally, I gain energy from getting feedback from something and being able to iterate right away. This is evident when I design, or when I play volleyball. I can see the results tangibly, have an idea of my next steps, and have a desire to improve.

driver #2: perceived consequence, punishment & rewards

One of the foundational concepts you learn in psychology (s/o Psych 11) is this idea humans are conditioned to react to some form of reinforcement and punishment, conducting actions based on perceived consequence.

Consequences can range from anything physical, to mental, to financial, to social.4 In order of severity for me, they descend in the following order: social, financial, physical, mental. Social accountability is a top factor contributing to my ability to get things done; it’s the times when I know someone else is relying on me to see something through, and they need it urgently. Or when I’ve made a public commitment and feel a pressure to see it through.5 In the past I’ve also managed to see things through when I’ve sent money to a friend and told them to keep it if I don’t finish XYZ task. This works well if the sum is large enough, but I do it infrequently.

I’m not someone who is necessarily motivated by physical/mental rewards or punishment. Or rather, it’s just that I usually don’t think the task is worth the punishment of not following through on my physical goals. I usually go play volleyball anyways regardless if I finish, so it’s a difficult motivator even though I know it’s a punishment. As such, I’ve discovered the weight of the task must equal the weight of the punishment. I need to be doing a task that is just as important to me as practicing volleyball, in order for me to feel it is worth it to sacrifice a volleyball session. This is another way of saying, what are your priorities?

Focus isn’t just about saying no to things. It’s about saying no to the right things, to the things that require a sacrifice and have a relevant opportunity cost for saying no to it. Paraphrased from Steve Jobs, true focus is saying no to things that with every fibre of your being you want to say yes to and can’t stop thinking about, but you say no to it because you’ve committed to focusing on something else. For instance, it’s not enough for me to think I’m focused through saying no to watching k-dramas since I’m prioritizing work, because the sacrifice isn’t equal. It doesn’t carry the same weight of importance. Rather, it’s having the courage to choose between similar opportunities indexing on somewhat opposing benefits.

- me, from where the wind blows

If high perceived consequence motivates me, it only makes sense that there if there are times I don’t do something, it’s because the perceived consequences aren’t large enough for me. I’ve noticed I need them to be detrimental. While I don’t like putting too much pressure on myself to the point of burnout, I do think I need a little bit of pressure in order to get things moving. Nailing that balance has taken trial and error over the years living with myself, and I’m perpetually working on it.

ROOT CAUSES: good morning team, any blockers?

Oftentimes when I don’t do something, it’s not because the task itself is hard. The task itself is rarely hard, and often doesn’t actually take that long as a matter of fact. What takes time is needing to process my resistance around a task. Why don’t I want to do this? What’s actually going on here?

There’s this joke I recurringly make on Strava in which I refer to running as a way to battle my demons. Introducing my demons: blockers out to sabotage me from getting things done. By continuously asking myself why, and digging deeper, I get closer and closer to the root causes—pre-requisites that need to be satisfied before I can advance to the next level of doing the thing. Essentially, I need to slay my demons.

demon #1: guilt

I feel task guilt on a day-to-day basis. Everyone faces opportunity costs in their daily lives, but as a freelancer I am particularly vulnerable to this. As I dictate my own schedule, the things I choose to put into it matter. Anyone who works remotely from home may experience a similar sentiment - I often spend too much time worrying about if this is the right thing to do at the right time, rather than just doing the thing. Should I be working out right now, when I could be working? Such thoughts though, are futile. There will always be an infinite number of things I could be doing instead of the thing I am doing right now.

demon #2: overthinking

Even when I’m aware of my tendencies to overthink, there are times I still spiral. This could be related to any aspect of my life. In relation to work though, I know when I overthink things, they don’t get seen through to completion as quick as I would like. This is linked to my perfectionism, something I’m constantly working on, even as I write this blogpost. When it makes sense, I’m trying to focus on quantity over quality.

demon #3: fatigue & sickness

If I’m sick, I don’t feel like doing anything and I tend to excuse myself because I’m sick. If I’m sleep deprived, I get headaches and I really can’t get anything done when I have a headache, or if anything it’s unpleasant. Thus, I know it’s important for me to be in top condition. This means eating right and moving my body! In turn this means having groceries. If I don’t have groceries, I don’t have proper fuel. If I don’t have proper fuel I can’t exercise well, when I don’t exercise for a while I feel groggy/unmotivated. You’d be surprised how often I forget this is true.

demon #4: environment

To get groceries, I also need a place to go because I usually only get groceries if I’m on the way home from something. This brings me to blocker #4, environment. If I can’t get something done at home, I’ll go to a cafe or co-working space. Even something as convenient as my apartment lounge will do it for me. Perhaps a little matcha6 too.

When it comes to geographical environment, that also matters. When I am in Vancouver, I am slow. When I am in Toronto, I feel fast. I feel even faster in New York. I like to feel fast, so long as I’m not overwhelmed.

In a broader sense, the people I surround myself with matters. I am lucky to be surrounded by people who inspire me everyday.

BULLETPROOFING: what are my secrets to success?

secret #1: having back-up plans for your back-up plans

I’ve tried a variety of techniques in attempts to get in flow over the years. One technique I adopted, “bounce back checklists”, are a series of lists for me to refer to whenever I find myself in a certain mood i.e. if I feel unmotivated, sad, etc. However, I found they never worked because I don’t actually look at them or I forget that they exist, which defeats the purpose in the first place. Or sometimes, I do read it, but don’t feel motivated by what’s on there. The same happens with a Notes list I call “my secret sauce to success,” which is essentially my playbook for getting into flow state. but it’s also not foolproof, largely due to the blockers I mentioned earlier. It simply fails to work.

So what does?

A checklist is something you refer to because you don’t know everything that’s on it. A script however, is something inherently engrained in you. It is something you run, something that happens just because it’s what you do. All your body is doing is carrying out a set of pre-programmed instructions.

Instead of checklists, I now have scripts. These are a chain of actions I’ve practiced over time and my body has memorized. It automatically runs when I encounter a demon, and shuffles through the possibilities until I land on something that works for my situation. While similar to a routine, the key isn’t that scripts restrict me to doing the same thing over and over, but that it provides me with options within a constrained frame. For example, I know that when my mind is messy (from demon #1/2), one of running/lifting/reading/writing will often clear my head. I’ve created enough feedback loops (my favourite!) at this point that I intuitively know which action to perform.

My scripts can run thanks to my systems for many of my day to day tasks. Wake up. Breakfast is a smoothie, oatmeal, or a yogurt bowl. Lunch is an egg or tuna sandwich. Dinner is some form of noodle soup or the classic chicken/rice/broccoli combo. I have a list of groceries I’m used to, and I know to make a stop home when I go to a certain cafe. I know which cafes are effective for me depending on the work I need to get done. Sounds bland and boring, but it works. Essential for the rest of me to operate, as noted in demons #3/4. I need the foundations to run so I can focus on the novelty for everything else.

The other portion of tight time management is understanding every minute counts. If I have one hour before I have to leave, and I’m worried about getting too in flow, then I do liminal tasks. It’s a list of fallback items to turn to when I’m bored/on a commute/have liminal time between important tasks. I think at any given time, these can only be a list of 3-5 items, otherwise it risks being a list I don’t refer to at all. They also need to be habitual enough such that I do them without thinking about it, or I can think about the top 3 things and can choose between the 3 things based on how I’m feeling.

Currently my liminal tasks are clearing my inbox (mindless task), cleaning my photos, cleaning my room (physical), scrapbooking - either physical or digital (creative), duolingo/practicing korean in general (intellectual), or reading. If I do this overtime, it is way easier and will eventually get done than mentally thinking about having to carve out time to do it.

secret #2: process the resistance

When I speak about tight time management, I think of the tasks on my calendar that I keep moving. For example: I’ll have a task like “apply to ABC job.” It keeps getting pushed because there are pre-requisites. I might not be applying since I feel like I want to get my portfolio to a state I am satisfied with first. It is not there yet because I have to sit down and write a case study. So what I actually have to do is not schedule in “apply to ABC job”, but to schedule in on the pre-requisite tasks behind the main task. The pre-requisite can trace back to something as micro as “process resistance around why I’m not apply for ABC job.” Guilt can be a part of it, overthinking can be a part of it. My scripts will run until I discover the core issue.

secret #3: imposing arbitrary constraints

Pre-scheduled appointments help me a lot. Volleyball is an appointment. The reason I’m able to be so consistent with volleyball is because I know my options to play are limited to schedules set by the community. Therefore, this is a physical constraint. If there were only limited blocks in which I knew I was allowed to design, i.e. let’s say I physically can’t open Figma outside of these blocks, then of course I would design during those times. Knowing I have limited time makes the time I am able to have/spend all the more precious. Such is true with all other aspects of life.

Sometimes I will make promises to myself such as “I will not move from this spot until I finish writing this blogpost”, which I am doing right now in the lounge of my apartment in order to get the very blogpost you’re reading right now out. Imposing arbitrary restrictions to enforce a false sense of urgency often works very well for me, because I otherwise feel like life should be taken slowly. There’s a time and place for slow, but when I’m putting off the things I need done, speed and intensity matter.

secret #4: dancing to the rhythm of your body

Sometimes, despite all efforts with everything here, my body simply won’t do what I tell it do. This happens when I’m too focused on managing time, and not focused enough on managing energy. I know when I get home from volleyball at night, it’s unrealistic to think I can perform any high-level thinking task. So there’s no point in scheduling it then, because I’ll only feel bad about it after when I don’t do it.

Energy management is something I have been preaching for years, and the key to this is both understanding when I work best and also having a menu of tasks to choose from. It is important that this menu is diverse, such that there are different levels of mental strenuity needed and variety of tasks within various buckets, so based on how I’m feeling I can choose accordingly while still getting everything done. The level of urgency should be somewhat similar (one level off is okay). I balance what’s urgent with what’s important (similar to the Eisenhower Matrix) while factoring in my physical and mental capacity, i.e. liminal tasks when energy levels are low.

a note on experimentation & recalibration

This all brings me to experiments. Something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently is treating my life like a series of experiments. This is different from habit change because I don’t have to commit to a long habit. It’s the novelty of trying something new, like constantly having honeymoon phases with a new activity.

I think if I treated seasons of my life as a series of different experiments, I’d get a lot more done in a year than I might have believed originally. Due to Parkinson’s Law, planning based on the quarter will speed up what I think is possible for myself on an executional level. Of course, I can’t really predict for it, and most good things in my life happen due to a process of unfolding. But I can atleast directionally plan for it, and be equipped/open to things changing. That being said, this guide itself is open to recalibration as I continue to learn more about myself and evolve.

BONUS: specific things that simply scratches my brain good

You will notice this piece is littered with anime visuals. I’ve found my brain respond particularly well to when I watch an anime with a classic hero’s journey plot. Particularly, sports animes. As I consume them, they consume me: I become obsessed with the pursuit of progress and following my dreams. I usually channel this energy into a monthly playlist, which represents my goals and desires for that month.

If you’re anything like me, I’d recommend finding a particular piece of media that really resonates with you and latching on to it to become your entire personality (not even kidding, I think it’s really fun to play out different bits based on works that move you. Nothing else quite beats meme-ing something into existence7). In no particular order, here is also a list of random activities in my scripts that work for me:

• crack open a window

• take a shower (and really be present with it)

• light a candle

• spray perfume, wearing my favourite white top

• sports anime osts, my playlist of the month, or listening to SEVENTEEN

• making a little matcha

• getting any volleyball touches in (setting on my bed, ball control in my room, wall spike drills)

• doing my mobility/low-intensity plyo exercises (read: basically hopping around my apartment like a bunny)

• getting myself to a cafe (esp. butter & blue, my go-to “locking in” cafe)

• going to my apartment lounge (works surprisingly well)

• re-reading my favourite substack pieces

• re-reading affirmations from books/journals/lists

• yapping to a friend

This is perhaps the most difficult piece of writing yet I’ve worked on for this Substack, simply because of the volume of content I needed to organize. I didn’t expect it to turn into a full-blown essay nor take me this long. Yet, with most essays, this post is still far out from being exhaustive and there is much left to be explored - and that’s exactly what this blog is for. If you stuck around this long, thanks. I hope it was helpful in some way, even if you’re not exactly like me.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

• it turns out i was being dramatic during my last newsletter and as a matter of fact i did not hate vancouver that much, i was just experiencing massive jetlag and PMS. apologies. i actually had a wonderful time this time around; i got to see my family and play with my brothers’ dogs and play volleyball on a full court of extended family members. i saw some friends who i love oh so much and i celebrated new years with the loveliest people under a table eating 12 green grapes. something so silly but felt delightful to partake in this trend for the first time. i found ways to keep playing volleyball, and caught up with a friend who i hadn’t seen in a year and had no socials, which was particularly eye-opening to how much I had to rely on my own memory of our past conversations instead of what i see on one’s ig stories. by the time i had to leave, i actually felt quite sad instead of ready to leave again like i usually am, but i know the life i want to live is in toronto. it’s good to be back now :)

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• like I mentioned, currently on a sports anime grind. i recently finished Run with the Wind and now watching Hajime no Ippo (boxing). Blue Lock (soccer) or Major (baseball) is probably next. I also watched the Japanese film Monster on the plane ride to Toronto, I loved it though I wasn’t able to watch the final ten minutes as my flight landed. Lastly I’ve started Love Scout and I haven’t been this excited for an on-going k-drama in a long time!!

• when it comes to reading, i’ve been trying to slowly read my books for once, and focus on re-reading and really absorbing the content. I am finding joy in owning my own copies of books, so I can make little highlights and annotations in the margins. I want to have my own research library. I don’t want to rush through finishing books for the sake of ticking them off under the completion shelf, I want to jump around from book to book purely based on what I need at the time I am reading it. whether it’s the desire to ground myself from overwhelm, filter out noise, level up my skills, or pure entertainment. to that end, these days i’ve been reading Meditations on the commute to and from volleyball to get my head in the game, Get Together (Stripe Press), the Creative Act: A Way of Being, and a recently gifted copy of Everything I Know About Love.

• music: BSS’ 2nd album TELEPARTY (particularly Love Song), In a Sweat! from the Run with the Wind OST, I Won’t Say (I’m in Love) from Hercules (my favourite Disney movie. I should rewatch it.), Faster than me by iri (an artist who I’ve grown particularly fond of recently).

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• jammy jams + particularly the Radius™ for our spontaneous hangouts

• JR for playing volleyball with me

• TT for introducing me to hajime no ippo

• CC for listening to my existential yaps & reviewing this piece

• coach neil & coach mike from my volleyball clinic

• yeji for turning me into toast

• the designerds for being a lovely, inspiring creative bunch to be surrounded by

Once Upon A Time (From “Undertale”) (LoFi Version) · Collosia

Being back home reminds me of how much stuff I have. 20+ years of accumulated memorabilia, stuffed in boxes under beds and adorned on the walls of my childhood bedroom. Every time I try to get rid of something, it just goes into the storage room.1 Out of sight, out of mind right? Papers I’ve wanted to shred, shelved away “for later.” Clothes I wanted to donate, sitting in a pile, “discarded” but it’s still there. The memories are still there. They linger, they creep.

What is the purpose of nostalgia? Of sentimentality? Why remember the good times? The not-so-good times? Is there a merit to making these things physical, tangible? Does digital documenting provide the same value as physical archiving?

I would consider myself a hoarder. When I was younger, I felt this term was insulting. To own many things, to hold onto them and not want to let go, to me signalled you didn’t have the capacity to let go. I had an extreme minimalist phase around when Marie Kondo first started becoming popular. I owned clothes painted only in blacks, whites, greys; I had next to nothing in my room, ruthlessly discarded many of my clothes, digitized everything, discarded old school assignments. Being a hoarder was the last thing I wanted to be.

But as I’ve grown older, moved around, and more or less spent the last 4 years of my life living out of belongings I could only fit in a checked luggage, I’ve begun to appreciate the art of hoarding; the art of personal archiving.

When I’m able to build up a collection of something, anything; when I have the storage space to be able to collect things, it’s truly a privilege. To me, it’s a sign of “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.” It makes it harder to move. And that delights me. I’ve lived much of my formative adult years feeling constantly in transit. Never wanting to fully decorate my room because I know I’ll leave it in 4 months. Never feeling like there’s any one place I can call home. I talk about this in yearning for permanence.

Sometime during this extreme minimalist phase, I found a box of my old elementary assignments and I’m pretty sure I discarded it all. But looking back, I regret it. There is no way I can ever restore them. There is no archive of those years - what did I even do then? What did I make of myself? What were my hopes and dreams? I’m particularly regretful over my fifth grade ‘bucket list’ book, where I listed dreams I had hoped to achieve at each age. I would’ve loved to know what I yearned for at that age.2

Documenting and archiving your life is a research project. It’s a reference library, a way to understand yourself better. If we study the history of others to understand what patterns will repeat and predict the future, imagine how powerful we could be when we come to understand ourselves in the same way?

If I am my only proof of my history, who else is going to document and restore it but me? Who else is going to be a historian of my life? I would like to write my own history books. I want to preserve everything as crisp as I can, I don’t want the years to go by without knowing what made it. My home is a living museum featuring the history of me.

Of course, process is something I’ve always struggled with. I think a failure mode of not documenting more in the past is having too much indecision surrounding how I should document. Do I put these postcards on the wall, in a photo album, or in a scrapbook? Should I order these chronologically or by theme? How do I want to save or preserve this artifact?

I once again feel a pressure to document things so that they are easy to move later. If I contain them in vessels like photo albums and scrapbooks, I can just transport them with ease instead of having to take down a bunch of pictures from walls. But that also means they never get seen unless I intentionally look for them, which is rare. They get lost, tucked away in a book cover. I don’t entirely know what the solution should be here, but I’ll experiment until I get there.

The longest form of archiving relationship I have with myself that has been the most consistent over time is the relationship I have with my calendar. For the last 6 years I’ve more or less kept a documentation of what I was going to do with my time, which is not necessarily an indicator of what I actually did, but does leave more clues than nothing, especially when it comes to certain events or meetings that were fixed. Next to this is probably journals I’ve kept, though they’ve been inconsistent they’ve existed since earlier days like high school. Stickers on my old laptops also serve as documentation, but they’re long gone now. On my door, I have postcards and posters from my 2023 travels. I’ve used digital counterparts like Notion, the G Suite, various to-do apps, mymind, various other spatial interface knowledge management tools, presently are.na. I use Figma to make digital scrapbooks from time to time, mostly for travels or big moments.

I really admire my friend C who has spent some time now scanning many moments of her early years in an effort to preserve them. I would say her part-time job is scanning, she spends hours on end doing it. For as long as I’ve known her she’s always been a big archivist. It inspires me to want to carefully preserve everything too, to put so much care in to sweating the small stuff, especially the early years you might not remember or deem as important. I had the privilege of reading some entries from the elementary journals she scanned, and I think they reveal so much about the kind of person you were and the things that led to your growth, if not also a source of whimsical entertainment.

I still don’t really have a process. I would like to make an attempt at having one. I would like to make it easy for me to preserve anything, to not have to think too hard about the medium or else the items will see darkness far longer than they will see light.

Some 2025 archiving aspirations:

1. Every day-to-day pieces of ‘junk’ accumulated (receipts, stickers, stamps) goes into the Main Scrapbook3

2. Only my favourite photos on the wall, everything else goes into photo albums

3. Collected postcards make for gifts or decoration only if I really like the design, otherwise they go in a postcard album (I now must acquire a postcard album)

4. For digital scrapbook posts (on my private Instagram, apologies), try to make them as soon as possible from the event the media is derived from. I find the longer I wait, the harder it is for me to produce.

5. Don’t think too hard about how to lay things out or make them pretty. Overlap things if you need to. Glue, tape, sew, do whatever it takes to make sure the memories go somewhere. Far too often I’m left with bits and bobs that go un-documented, the barrier I need to get over is perfectionism.

6. Just spend the extra dollars on display cases or storage dividers if you need a home for trinkets or collected items. Repurpose first if possible.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

the easiest parts of my newsletter to write for me is always this section, because i sort of just yap with no edits, just raw rambles that may end up being quite long but is a good glimpse at how my brain works. sometimes it ends up being longer than the actual post and i’m a bit embarrassed by that tbh. enjoy

• since my last post, i really did feel like everyday was a day where my mind was clear. i squeezed out as much volleyball as i could before i had to leave on my trip, i watched design videos while i ate, i read in the mornings, i went to cafes.

• i travelled to europe for the first time and it wasn’t as magical as i had dreamed it to be. not that anything was bad, i just wasn’t particularly struck with awe the way i was when i first landed in korea or japan. i don’t know how much of this can be attributed to less novelty from having experienced what it’s like to travel abroad, or the fact the weather was gloomy bc of winter, or simply due to lifestyle preferences and the fact that i really do like asian countries better than european. anywho, i went to lisbon, paris, strasbourg, and london, and i think strasbourg was my favourite alongside lisbon! everything i ate was really yummy, the architecture was beautiful, and i had fun with my friends (the 20k steps a day was rough though)

• i came home from a 10 hour flight that was delayed by 3 hours (2 of which i was stuck on the plane for), with an 8-hour time difference to Vancouver, and yet upon landing the first thing I did was go play volleyball with my brothers. The moment I got home I got ready and left within 15 minutes to make it to an 8:30pm game and played until 10:30pm. By the time I finished it was equivalent to 5/6am UK time and I was utterly exhausted, but it seems I will do anything for volleyball.

• ever since coming home, I’ve felt stagnant. I cannot tell how much of this is attributed to post-travel fatigue/jetlag, the holiday season, or simply being back in my childhood bedroom in Vancouver. I’ve felt this way about Vancouver for the last three years, and I don’t know how to shake it. I have come to realize that maybe I’m just lonely in Vancouver. all my friends I’ve come to know and love are mostly in Toronto, and while I do have friends dear to me in Vancouver, it’s not the same feeling. I don’t randomly bump into them on the streets and we don’t have spontaneous hangouts; there’s a lack of events or overall recurring situations where I’d see my friends. While my family bucket is definitely filled and overflowing, everything else seems lacking. I miss my friends, I miss volleyball, I miss Toronto. The thing is, when I’m in Toronto for two weeks it feels like four months in the best possible way, that I’m able to engage in so much that my time feels compressed. When I’m in Vancouver for two weeks, it feels like three years in the sense I feel like it’s been forever and I’m ready to leave. This has more to do with living at home than Vancouver as a whole, though.

• it is a new year tomorrow and i wake a little teary-eyed. 2024 was really good to me, when i thought nothing could top my 2023. i can only hope the best for 2025, as well as embrace how i do not need to outdo myself every year. how can i? how can i possibly compare 2024 to 2023, 2023 to 2022, when who i was and the circumstances of my situations were so different? when every loss was helping me take a step towards every win? in that sense, i don’t hope for better. i only hope for alignment with what i believe to be true to reach my biggest and brightest dreams.

• in 2024 my word for the year was iridescent. in 2025, i want to be electric.

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• k-dramas: Family by Choice !!!! love love loved it, I’m also biased though because the main male lead is one of my favourites. currently watching When the Phone Rings, obsessed with the storyline. binged Squid Game 2 when it came out, but felt it fell a bit flat compared to season 1, though I know it’s technically incomplete.

• music: my albums of the month were fruitcake by Sabrina Carpenter and Rosé’s rosie. didn’t really listen to much else this month tbh

• books: finally started reading again, picked up some books over my trip too. finished More Days at the Morisaki Bookshop, and excited to start the “Before the Coffee Gets Cold” series

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• jammy jams for inspiring me

• C for inspiring this blogpost

• N for providing a sense of home while I was on my trip

• T for rooting for me

• MM for inspiring me

• MN, JY, FH for tripping europe with me

• my brothers for playing volleyball with me and coaching me

• my friends who attend mosaic (a creative co-working event i run, dm me for details)

• the city of toronto for being a place i can call home

• 2024 for being a year i will cherish for a long time

There are 516 pieces in the Polaroid OneStep SX-70 Camera lego set. I haven’t built a lego set since the fourth grade, and here I am carving a few hours out of my day to piece together this set I was gifted1 for my birthday.

I would put together pieces only for them to be covered by future pieces on top, their presence felt but never seen again on the surface. Yet, I know their invisibility is what keeps the structure alive. Each piece playing a dutiful role in making the set complete.

It reminds me how in a digital world of cmd+z and cmd+y, copy and paste, I’m spoiled by my medium to be able to quickly iterate.

But with the physical medium? It’s a slow labour of love where I can clearly see brick by brick how things are foundational to each other, how things depend on each other to function, how the vision unfolds slowly and overtime. The physicality of it makes me appreciate the beauty of permanence. Unlike my usual digital canvas, making a mistake or skipping a step requires genuine effort to undo, sometimes requiring a complete restart.

Constructing a lego set is also a pain to move, I’d have to be careful not to break it or else I’d have to build it all over again. For me, it’s a significant symbol of building my life here in Toronto, enough so that I can have trinkets littered around my room without worry of how I’d have to pack them up later. It feels as good as having stocked food in the pantry, to have seasoning bottles that will take me forever to use up, because it means I will be in one place for a long time. 

It’s funny how I needed a lego set to remind me of this. I’ve accumulated a few more since.

✻

towards seriousness

It’s getting colder. I have to check the weather everytime I go out now, put on my matcha green puffer or grey pilled trench coat. The days are shorter, it’s dark everytime I walk home from volleyball. The crisp air keeps me awake. My breath comes out in visible puffs as I navigate what is now a familiar route home from volleyball, getting strange looks from passerbys as I’m clad in only a t-shirt (I’m always way too warm after playing).

Yet, I find myself hopeful. It feels like the city is going to sleep this time of year, but I want to do nothing more than accelerate. I want to blossom, flourish, bloom, thrive. I’ve been thinking about what it means to rise to one’s true potential, to accelerate towards the person you’re meant to be. How to unlock that not only in myself, but in others.

I think physical change can have a significant impact on personal growth. I dyed my hair recently and to me, it’s really a marker of my winter era. For me, accelerating during winter isn’t about locking myself up all day in service of a greater goal. I know that’s just not how I operate. I believe deeply in the principle of resting in motion2, to move forward different aspects of my life on a daily rather than trying to finish everything in one go and believing that is what will fix me. I still would like to see my friends! I would like to play volleyball, I would like to go out. In fact, I think doing these things will help me get to my goals faster.

In exactly two weeks I’ll be headed to Europe with friends for the holidays.3 I’ll be away from Toronto for a while as I’m headed straight home after to spend some time with family, so I want to use every opportunity I have now to crack down on my goals and get serious.4

building clearer days

I’ve been realizing that everything I do needs to be in service of achieving a clearer mind, that my state of optimal being is when I can see things clearly. When I am messy, when it’s foggy and full of clutter, even basic tasks feel incredibly difficult. It is only when I am clear, that I can move forward and quickly and there is so little resistance. I simply move through my tasks, without agonizing over if it is a task I need to do, without forcing myself to do it.

As such, it’s important for me to ensure I’m in a base state where clarity can be achieved. Eating right, sleeping well, keeping a consistent exercise routine, keeping my space neat. A clear space really does make for a clear mind.

People say that when you lose track of the days that time is going by so quickly, it means you’re living a really busy life.

I find the opposite to be the case for me. I think when I don’t know what day it is, that means every day is the same. I usually know what day it is based on the things that happened. So, if nothing happens or I do nothing but lie in bed all day, that day just goes by in history having no meaning to me. I want everyday to contain such magical moments I can’t help but remember them. I want one week to feel like four. 

When I don’t know what day it is, it means the days are blending, and I don’t want them to be blurry. I want them to be clear, cleanly cut. I want to remember them frame by frame. I want to see the memories in 60fps. I want to see the world in 4K.

When I am engaged in something deeply, when I am in flow, when I care and am attentive — time doesn’t fly by. Time simply, is. 

some things i am trying

There are a few different components to my winter arc. One being research, where I would like to focus on studying deeply & consuming thoughtfully. Topics ranging from design to self-improvement. My other pillars are: play/community, business, and health. There is also a side art project I would like to complete by the end of the year, I am continuing to build up a little creative co-working community here in Toronto, and I would like to update my portfolio and strategize for my freelance business to gear up for the new year.

My friend T has recently put me on talking to Claude in order to unblock any problems I am currently facing, and to help with overall clarity in life. In fact, in putting together my plans for my winter era, I’ve been talking to Claude to simulate a brain trust of high performing women leaders5, combined with historical data of how I like to operate and how I know I best work in terms of routine and energy levels, to craft the best plan for me.

1. I protect my mornings; they are non-negotiable

   • I’ve come to realize that a key aspect of starting my day right and rewiring my brain is not reaching for a dopamine hit right away (social media). Overtime, I’ve tended to forget this and I feel like recently I’ve had a routine of just reaching for my phone first thing in the morning.

   • Right now and atleast for the next two weeks, however, my routine is as follows: wake up, text good morning to the homies, get up, make breakfast and read while eating, get straight to writing. 3-4 hours of deep work on my most important task of the day. I tend to everything else after.

2. I play volleyball 3x a week and make sure I am never hungry

   • It turns out that wow, eating well and moving your body and drinking water really does make a huge difference. I’ve never been the type to skip lunch because I was so engrossed in my work, I’ve learned that I need to eat. As such, I make it a point to keep my pantry stocked with food I can easily prepare and I know fuels me, rather than defaulting to UberEats or going out to eat too often. The food I eat affects my mood and energy levels, so I want to make sure I am giving my body what it needs to do my best work and live my best life.

3. I’ve been trying to be less of a planner. To be someone who simply executes, then reiterates after.

   • We’ve come a long way since my first blogpost. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of how preparation will beat planning, every time. Planning demands exactness and order. Preparation carves room for flexibility, holds space for the chaos that life inevitably brings about.

   • I spent most of my life planning such that things would happen the way I wanted them to happen, to a T. I’ve learned in more recent years that you will never be 100% ready for anything.6 Following my reminders to myself in right here, right now, I’m consciously trying to do more without overthinking it, and recalibrate after.

4. I’m reading when I eat

   • I’ve always felt this urge to watch something while I eat. No matter what it was, a show I was watching or a random youtube video. But now, I like to use the time I’m eating to catch up on any articles I’ve been meaning to read or making progress on my books. Alternatively, if I do want to watch something, I want it to be the multiples of design videos I have in my Watch Later playlist, so that I am still learning while I am eating. This isn’t a super hard or fast rule, but I like to do this for atleast 2/3 meals of the day.

I realize none of these are exactly novel, and I’m sure I’ve attempted all of them at various points in my life. “You always do this,” C laughs over our weekly catch-up when I tell her about my 2-week gameplan. “Remember in May when you wanted to redesign your portfolio?” She's right—my pattern of setting ambitious short-term goals every season is almost predictable at this point. But something feels different this time around, and I am optimistic about it.

✻

As I place the final piece on my Lego camera, I think about how different this feels from my usual rush to completion. There's something meditative about accepting that some pieces need to be hidden to make the whole structure work, just as some parts of growth happen beneath the surface. I'm laying down the bricks of my life here in Toronto, piece by piece, not always knowing what additional blocks will fall on top. But unlike before, I'm not trying to see the entire finished product. Perhaps there's a beauty in simply trusting that each piece, when placed with intention, will eventually reveal something whole. There’s a certain beauty in the unknown, and I’m staying to see what unfolds.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

• i turned 23 c: so so so so sooo lucky and grateful to have so many friends support me and make toronto a place to call home, the vision i had and what ended up coming to life was beyond my expectations

• I SAW SEVENTEEN LIVE IN NEW YORK!!! <3 my favourite group i have been following since 2015. yes i am obsessed and no i will not stop

• I visited new york for the second time and it was a refreshing period of getting to see friends old and new. Visited holiday markets, corporate offices, played volleyall, bookbinded a journal from scratch!

• got sick immediately after new york :( was stuck at home for a week but better now!

• I’ve been upping my volleyball reps to 3x a week, and it’s been amazing. Starting to feel more confident in my sport though still much to learn

• meeting more volleyball friends!

• fried rice tournament

• stripe press pop-up

• i have got to stop fighting what naturally runs through my veins. for me, i realized that is hosting. i feel alive everytime I host. recently been experimenting with hosting a creative co-working community called Mosaic on Sundays with my friends, dm me for details if you want to attend the next one :)

• i’ve really been loving my friends recently (not to say i don’t always love my friends, but i feel like recently life has just been so abundant with love for the homies and everything they’re trying to achieve). I used to think that the reason my calendar was always so packed with hangouts was because I was always travelling back and forth, such that I always had people I needed to catch up with before I left. I thought my social interactions were dependent on me leaving. But, it turns out that my social interactions exist because of me. Because people want to hang out with me, no matter if I’m leaving or just coming back. They want to hang out with me still even if they saw me yesterday. And that makes me feel very lucky. When I don’t see my friends for more than a few days, it feels like I haven’t seen them forever.

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

• I started watching Culinary Class Wars with C while I was in New York and we were so emotive every episode… I came home and binged the rest of it over two days. It helped that I was sick in bed and couldn’t do much else

• in general this past month mostly been listening to SEVENTEEN as both concert prep and post-concert withdrawals. I also have just been listening to a ton of lofi, and a little bit of Christmas music as early holiday spirit. Also discovered this really tranquil song called Swim by Dasom that I somehow feel really drawn to

• I finally got a tpl library card!!! Haven’t picked up anything haha but at the Stripe Press pop-up I picked up a copy of Get Together and the Making of Prince of Persia. currently starting with Get Together :)

• S2 of Arcane….. pure art

• Recent online pieces I’ve enjoyed:

  • Bill Watterson’s (author of Calvin & Hobbes) commencement speech at Kenyon College

  • Vincent Huang’s conversations on communication

  • Another Henrik Karlsson banger, Authenticity as dialogue

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• my hometown best friends L + N for helping throw me the best birthday ever <3 (+ N for flying over from Vancouver just for the weekend.. I am so blessed!)

• M, H, and T of LBFC for all the laughter and stories

• JvC who I met through a mutual friend, and found out he has a gym in his apartment for volleyball. he let me come in and bring a friend to get quality reps in and now I really want to live in that building just for volleyball LOL

• Josiah, someone I came across once at one of my vball drop-ins, who presented a team captain presence without anyone ever asking, but not in any sort of obnoxious way, rather a gentle and kind way. He took it upon himself to figure out what everyone’s positions should be and in what lineup, gave the loudest cheers after every point and made sure to go out of his way to high five every single member, and took accountability for anything he felt he made a mistake on too. Was very inspiring to see :)

• Andrei for playing volleyball with me and coaching my hits/serves

• Keyan for playing volleyball with me

• Mayank for playing volleyball with me

• Literally anyone and everyone that has played volleyball with me, willing to talk about volleyball with me, who has helped me in volleyball

• Taha of Daybreak for providing me an avenue to bring people together

• jammy jams for good morning texts + inspiring me

ハイキュー!! from Haikyu!! OST

In the past month, I’ve gone through several volleyball-induced injuries. When I pulled my quad, I kept going to games regardless of the pain because it felt like every day that I could play volleyball was worth it. It was never fully healed each time I played though, so unsurprisingly it kept flaring up. I eventually stopped to allow it to heal, but then I rolled my ankle almost immediately after, which set me back by another week. The waiting period sucks. I want to play. I want to play so badly. I want to get those touches in, I want to feel the ball contact the palm of my hand if even for a split second so desperately. I’m itching to play, I crave it.

You know how when you’re sick, and you take for granted what it was like to be healthy? You suddenly hold a greater appreciation for all the times you’re able to breathe properly through your nose, or how you didn’t have a headache all the time. In those moments, it’s easy to feel like you will never take your health for granted again afterwards. But after a moment, we forget again until the next time we’re sick.

Injuries are similar. I so desperately want to play volleyball, and now that I’m injured I feel sad that I didn’t get to play as much volleyball as I wanted when I had prime time to. If anything though, every single time I almost get seriously injured, I thank my lucky stars it wasn’t worse. I feel grounded in my reality, how lucky I am to be in the very circumstances I once dreamed of having. I’m reminded to not take my ability to breathe and walk (literally) on this planet for granted. In those moments when injury takes me off the court, I find gratitude. I’m trying not to forget that. This is my reminder to hold onto the times I can play a little tighter.

where it started

Looking back, this passion didn’t come out of nowhere.

It was a slow burn that started in grade seven, where I played volleyball for the first time and immediately fell in love with the sport. It was strange, I was terrible at it. Yet I somehow felt incredibly drawn to it, whereas I had tried ballet, swimming, basketball, badminton, soccer, and didn’t find a love for any of them. When I got to high school however, I chickened out. I think I was just super intimidated by the girls and guys on our school volleyball teams. In my eyes, it felt like all the people playing volleyball were all the popular kids, and I didn’t identify as one.

I didn’t muster the courage to tryout until grade 11, and even then didn’t make it onto the roster. However, I stubbornly went to practice everyday anyways until the coach eventually let me on the team. While I got an official number, every time we had a game I was benched. When they put me on, I was on for one point before getting benched again. I felt defeated. Every time I was benched, I felt it was deserved because I just wasn’t as good as the other girls and was convinced I would never be.1

Instead, the follow year I transitioned to playing ultimate frisbee and loved it. I was also decently good. I was friends with people who played, I felt like I belonged in the community, and so I played ultimate intramurals all throughout university. While I still love ultimate now, in the back of my mind volleyball still clawed at me. I started learning and loving Spikeball throughout the pandemic as well, which I think was a signal of how much I loved the mechanics of volleyball. Both my older brothers also play, and when I tried playing with them earlier this year I realized how much I wanted to get better at it. So this year I started diving in—I wanted to be serious. 

i think this sport is my lifeline

The court is one of the few places where it feels like I can be fully present. When I’m on the court, it’s like time stops. Everything else melts away—stress, notifications, drama, dilemmas. All my focus is on the game.

When you’re playing a game like volleyball, you have to be focused. You cannot afford distraction. Glance away for a split second and the ball whizzes by you, or you end up blocking with your face. This intensity of focus and attention feels obvious and tangible with sports, yet when it comes to my own career and ambition it takes a lot more energy to filter through distraction. What’s 10 more minutes of scrolling? What’s the harm in adding just one more thing to my plate? Volleyball is great in grounding me, to bring me back to reality and serve as a reminder to clarify what I deem important.

In these ways and many more, volleyball to me parallels life. To love is to risk loss. To be obsessed requires sacrifice. I keep getting hurt by this sport, so why do I still love it? Why do I love in spite of it? 

Obviously I don’t want to get seriously injured. And of course I’m afraid. But I would rather keep playing with the chance of getting hurt, than to have never experienced. I would rather learn to bike and fall many times throughout the journey, than to never try due to its potential dangers.

Though at the same time, I recognize I would rather give up something I love for two weeks, one month, or even three, than give it up forever which is what might’ve ended up happening had I kept pushing myself through my injuries mentioned earlier. Injuries are, in a way, signposts—they indicate I’m pushing my limits, exploring the edges of what I can do. The ache I feel now will make me a smarter player tomorrow. Each time I get hurt I learn a bit more about how to care for and strengthen my body, so that I can keep going for longer, and with more intensity.

There are side effects of volleyball that cascade positively into all areas of my life: my mental clarity, emotional regulation, productivity, health & nutrition.2 I’m motivated to manage my time well and finish work so that I can go play volleyball. It demands training and eating well in order to be in great playing conditions. This is wonderful! Whereas before I may have found it easy to make an excuse for skipping the gym, now I have this script in my head telling me I expose myself to a higher chance of injury when I don’t go to the gym or do my mobility exercises.3 That means anywhere from a week to months of no gameplay. And that terrifies me.4 It’s so depressing not being able to play your sport. It’s sudden, it’s shocking, it’s whiplash, it’s heartbreaking. Something you were so familiar with and was intertwined in your life for so long is suddenly no longer there, and there’s not much you can do about it other than wait, really. To play again, I need to respect the healing process. This applies to both ailments of the body and heart.

progress > perfection; process > results

When I play volleyball, I’m ecstatic about being the worst player in the room. I feel absolutely thrilled playing with people 10x better than me, in fact I feel honoured.5 I learn way faster, and it shows me what’s possible if I stick with the sport for a long time. I want to be like them! I’m not a great player by any means. After all, I only started seriously learning and playing the sport this year. We all start somewhere. It’s tempting to feel like I’m “behind” just because I didn’t play in high school nor university. But the thing about volleyball is that it doesn’t just make you want to improve—it makes you hungry to.

A volleyball is so honest. It gives you real-time feedback; if it’s not going where you want it to go it means something needs to change about your positioning, form, or both. It teaches you how to get along with it, as well as how to annoy it. So this is how a good receive should feel / this is the sound a perfect toss should make / this was a good hit, that one was not. Moments like those are so magical to me. You’re rarely going to get a perfect pass/set/hit, and for every 100 I might get one really great one in. But when you contact the ball and it just feels right? I’m chasing that feeling every time.

I’m not sure when I will consider myself a great volleyball player, but I know I will eventually get there so long as I keep playing. In volleyball, the only way out is through—you just can’t shortcut the reps. I know if I want to get better, I need to practice. I could watch as many tutorials and get tips from players as I want but that won’t matter if I’m not applying them, the sooner the better. Every mistake is a stepping stone to greatness. How can I lose, as long as I’m learning? The same is true with most skills in life.

✻

Volleyball is a vessel for my ambition. It reminds me I have capacity to be obsessed, shows me what it takes and what it’s like to be utterly obsessed with what I do and what life has to offer. The court is where I learn how to live outside of it.

To work hard, to fail, to get up, and to do it all over again—until the ball hits the ground, we haven’t lost yet. I dive, tumble, lunge, and jump in ways that may look a bit silly, but I never feel that way. Instead, I feel liberation. Thank god, I think. The ball made it over the net, or it got to my teammates safe and sound. I did it. 

And I’ll do it again. I’ll chase the ball a thousand times. No, a million times. Throughout this lifetime, the next, and all the ones thereafter.

Because if I’m not giving my 100%, then what’s the point?

If I don’t dive headfirst into the things I love, what’s the point?

If I’m not having fun, what’s the point?

If volleyball has given me more than I could have ever expected for myself, then in return I will give it everything I have—over and over again.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

phew… it’s been busy! just like that, another month or two in toronto has gone by and it simultaneously feels like i’ve been here forever while also feeling like i just got back

• this blogpost has reached your eyes much later than i would’ve liked… i feel like i talked about this last post where with each increasing time gap between my posts it feels like the things i say are no longer relevant to what i’m currently experiencing, which perpetuates this cycle of me feeling like i can’t post my writing because i don’t resonate with it anymore or i’ve skipped some lore in the timeline and i want to update everyone with everything that i was thinking in the time we’ve last spoke…. but i’ve decided that is simply just not happening! i would like to take on the mindset instead that i should just post whatever whenever without feeling like it has to be a certain quality. as M tells me, this substack is for me.

• august and september were filled with lots of work in the best way possible. my largest volume of inquiries.. i feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to have had so many exciting opportunities come my way! so much so that i’ve had to gather a small team to help me out with some work at times, and that i’m even a bit overwhelmed sometimes with the volume of it all (a good problem to have, compared to June Kelly who was stressed about not having enough work). i jokingly say i need to stop being reached out to but honestly, it’s just that i’m so grateful! please do not shy away from sending them my way, i will do what I can :)

• highlights:

  • beyblade tournament

  • seeing lots of friends, old and new, feeling warmly welcomed to my chosen home :)

  • tacos & arjun’s off the record event at 535studio

  • volleyball!

  • sunset and morning runs by the waterfront

  • colde concert

  • trying rosie’s burger’s banana pudding for the first time - 9/10

  • honest and also ridiculously banterful conversations with friends, genuine belly laughter i haven’t experienced in what seems like a long time

  • co-working at myfriends dot studio

  • trying professional photography for (basically) the first time, and having an unexpected modelling sidequest

  • NIKI CONCERT for the 3rd time

  • jam in the park with friends <3

  • celebrating birthdays of all my libra friends

  • cyanotype workshop at myfriends[dot]studio (ig)

  • finished the 100 days of writing challenge on Futureland

  • new builds (a hackathon my friend T ran)

  • a cozy friendsgiving dinner hosted by my friend H

• i turn 23 in one week and oddly enough unlike many other years, I feel like I’m at a point where I’m actually ready to step into a new year of me. When I was 21 I really did not want to turn 22 because it felt like time being in my youth was running out (i know, pretty ridiculous given how young I actually am). When I was 19 I was scared to turn 20 because I wasn’t sure what came next for me. I was afraid of new at the time. Now, I welcome it. I’m not sure what it is about 23, but it’s making me feel like it will be yet another year of discovery for me, and subsequently a year of maturity and and growing into the person I want to be. I can’t wait.

• i’m headed to new york from oct 26-30! if you’re around, say hi and let’s meet up <3

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

august & september 2024

• k-dramas/anime: finished watching love next door (slow at times but still enjoyed and loved by the end) and serendipity’s embrace; also, i’ve been rewatching haikyu which has played a large factor in firing up my love for volleyball this season. this also explains the large amount of haikyu references throughout this piece

• films: i watched Dìdi and How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies and cried bucketloads!!!!!!!! I don’t have much to say other than i recommend especially if you can resonate with the background of these characters (personally, any film with an asian grandma really cuts deep for me), though warning you may feel unwell after

• music: i was right from my newsletter last month, it was truly a buzz autumn (buzz album by NIKI!) favourites include: buzz, tsunami, focus, heirloom pain, magnets, strong girl, DYLHITM. but really actually i love all of them. also wave to earth’s 3rd album released and i love play with earth as well as beck ! not to mention keshi’s Requiem…. i was revived after kiss me right finally dropped. alongside my haikyuu rewatch arc i’ve also been listening to the haikyuu OST. lastly as I am releasing this post, SEVENTEEN’s newest mini-album came out!!! all my faves dropping hit after hit this autumn :’)

• books: unfortunately i did not get a tpl card like i promised last newsletter…but i DID buy two books at a bookstore i found near my place! reading All About Love by bell hooks and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman (yes I still hadn’t read it yet). the month has been a bit packed with work and a bit slow with reading but I’ll get there!

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• C + S for our semi-weekly catchups and their willingness to listen

• V + P for being so down to embark on any adventures I ask to explore

• V for playing volleyball with me :)

• Y for inviting me to various adventures and gatherings

• MN for all the relatable conversations and support (side note but as i am increasingly grateful for different people in my life i am realizing many share the same initial… maybe i shall upgrade to full initials in documenting them if there is no clear context surrounding their initial)

• my roommates J + F for making my life indoors feel a little less lonely

• Unnamed setter at my volleyball drop-ins who, in response to me apologizing for flopping my hits, says “What? Don’t be sorry. I’ll get any second ball, because I want you to swing. We’ll keep going until you get the next one.”

• The convenor at one of my drop-ins who gave me quad stretches to do

• Another guy from drop-ins who gave me the entire downtown Toronto volleyball drop-ins schedule and advice on which ones to go to

• Girl who was also named Kelly at one of my drop-ins for giving me tips on overhand serving

• L, N, and the jammy jams homies for being homies

• myfriends.studio for having such a lovely space to be welcomed into

• everyone who reached out to me with opportunities, thank you <3

은방울 (Lily of the Valley), DANIEL

The past knocks on my door. It’s a letter from my former self, dated June 2019—a time where I was just on the cusp of entering a new era in my life: university. Sealed tightly, I’m instructed to open it only after June 2024, a time I had predicted I would have graduated university already. What could be inside? I wondered.

Nervously, I began to open it. I had completely forgotten what I wrote, so I braced myself for any potential cringe.

To my surprise, I teared up. This 3-paged, stapled, handwritten letter was my attempt at starting a tradition of writing future letters to myself. I was sentimental even since high school, huh? I thought. While reading, I was particularly struck by how the things I cared about and the troubles I was going through rang eerily akin to today, and how I had this unwavering belief in myself through it all. I had forgotten that was something I had back then, and reading about it made me feel like that was stronger back then than it is now.

But that blinding optimism is something I want to hold onto. That spark in my eyes—I get it, and I’m starting to get it back1. I’m taking it with me into the present, and into my future.

I don’t want to have to wait five years to remind myself of who I am and who I could become. I’ve been really grateful for this writing habit of mine, because having a paper trail of my past thoughts and feelings have really reassured and reaffirmed who I am. So in case I ever forget, here are some reminders to any and every version of the future Kelly, digitized.

✻

reminder #1: one step after another

In our 20s, there are a lot of questions we’re asking and trying to navigate the answers to. What to do, where to live, who to spend time with, how to spend your time, are they the one, how to choose. The source of these anxieties only exist because of the alternatives we’re thinking through. What are all the lifetimes we want to live, which are more feasible, and is it possible to live them all in one? We are constantly optimizing for what the best path might be, to minimize regret and maximize joy. 

This optionality, as I’ve written about in where the wind blows, is something I’ve decided I won’t find out the answers to until I just do things and recalibrate after. Sometimes you just have to make a decision, and have conviction in it, if not at least conviction in your ability to make it work. After all, is there even such a thing as the ‘right’ path? Or are there only paths you make right?

I’m starting to realize that maybe I don’t need to know all the answers. The answers can come overtime, they can be generated and rewritten as life goes on and I collect more data points on what I want for myself, what I like, what I don’t like, what feels true to myself.2

In a world of infinite choices, there are much more open paths as there are closed paths. You can do things on a timeline, you don’t need to know what that timeline is right away, you can extend your timeframe. I’m still so young, so what’s the rush?3 Overtime, most decisions take care of themselves. My worries won’t change my outcomes, but my actions will. No matter the choice, there will always be trade-offs. It’s how we deal with those decisions that make the difference. 

reminder #2: back to the basics

In the chapter Subjunctive from Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives4, Eagleman details an afterlife scenario filled with versions of yourself based on different decisions made. In an afterlife filled with all the yous that could have been (for better or for worse), he writes “the more you fall short of your potential, the more of these annoying selves you have to deal with.”

While this serves as a haunting reminder of who you could’ve been and perhaps motivation to get there, I think there’s a certain beauty in realizing that maybe you don’t even want to be those versions of yourself. Instead of fixating on what are all the lives we want to live in this lifetime, I think we should be asking: what’s the life we want to live in every lifetime, in every universe? What am I enjoying currently and have enjoyed in the past (do more of this), and conversely what has made life draining (do less of this)?

Whenever I find myself caught up in the what-if’s, I find it comforting to frame life in this way. I could ruminate on whether I should take this job over another, live in a big city or a small town, pursue this or that hobby. I could grieve for lives that never existed or are no longer possible, and mourn for the experiences that can never be replicated in the same way again.

Or, I could go back to the basics. What is it about life that makes it worth living?

In every universe, I want my family by my side. In every universe, I want to experience sunny days playing spikeball barefoot on the grass, the crunching of leaves beneath my feet as seasons change, watching the sunset and being silly with friends, finding joy in the little things. I want to practice being present, to be in touch with myself, to be attune to my emotions and their impact on my surroundings. I want to be creating things. I want to wake up every day inspired by what I’m capable of, and I want to be surrounded by people who are mutually enabled to do the same.

Maybe it’d be less exhausting if instead of worrying all the time about what’s right, that I focus on what’s right in front of me—right here, right now. 

reminder #3: embrace your gut feelings

There are stories I tell myself over and over again. Stories about my life, why I came to be where I am, what I enjoy, what I would like to do in the future. They’re stories I repeat not only to myself, but also to other people. At times, I’m unsure if the stories I spew are actually aligned with the person I am becoming or want to become, or if I’m just going through the motions of how the words roll off my tongue. 

But sometimes, the stories click. They resonate with something deep inside me, the words just feel right. It is those stories that make me realize how ‘true’ something feels to me, how authentic it is. I might keep questioning over and over if that’s how I truly feel. But is it really a question? When it is so obvious how my heart sings and eyes light up when I speak about them?5

It’s a special feeling to have, when it feels like you’re experiencing magic. A moment that feels infinite—time stops, nothing else matters, and it’s like you’re on top of the world. It’s moments like these I return to when considering major life decisions. 

These moments of resonance reveal to me my gut feelings. They're not just fleeting, rather they’re signs of alignment guiding and grounding me towards certain choices.

I’m confident about the decisions I make not because I necessarily believe in them, but because I believe in myself and my ability to make things work out.6 I might not know the probability of XYZ event occurring if I pursue ABC path, nor do I know the success rate of my choices.

What I do know though is at the end of the day, I am a mosaic of joys and sorrows over the last 22 years of my life. I’ve gone through hardships before, I’ve experienced the trials and tribulations, I might be navigating new seas in foreign territories but are they really so different? The water might be green and maybe it’ll stain my skin. But maybe I’ll just learn to love the colour green. I wear my heart on my sleeve and would much rather risk getting battered and bruised while giving things my 100%, than give things my half wearing a bulletproof vest. Bruises heal, but to deprive myself of a life I desire because I am afraid will end up hurting more than bullets ever could.

Pursuing these instincts doesn't mean we always know the outcome, but it does signal we're aligning our choices with our truest selves. At least this way, I’ll know that when I’ve made a decision, that it’s a good decision because it is me who made it. I’ve taken the time to get to know myself enough that my core values remain constant, my faith in them unshakeable.7

✻

Although I’ve shed my skin over and over during this last decade, it reassures me to know that underneath, there’s still the same girl. And there’s people who will stick with me and join along for the ride no matter how many more skins I shed in efforts to rebuild myself. Cycles of metamorphosis, hibernation and emergence. I feel like I’m on the cusp of another cycle, brimming with optimism again.

The sun will set, the moon will continue to rise, and life will go on. I too, shall continue to move forward. I can’t wait to see how I’ll evolve.

a LONG life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

it’s been over three months since my last post, so a lot has happened. the unfortunate part about waiting too long before posting an update is i tend to write in ways that describe recent moments or present sensations, which feel very authentic at the time they are writing them. however when i wait too long before i post it, it starts to feel less relevant which hinders my desire to keep it, thus being a bottleneck for new writing. regardless, i’ll do my best to recap what’s happening and where I’ve been:

• ran my first 10k in 6 years in under an hour, which is way better than what I could’ve ever hoped for myself. crazy to me how my floor consistently begins to raise as i raise my ceiling

• ran (as in organized) four events over three weeks in May, including:

  • another edition of design aesthetics

  • an experimental skill swap workshop for Soto

  • a 200+ person demo showcase (Soto Spotlight) where Tobi of Shopify (?!) surprised us by attending

  • an intimate and cozy powerpoint night with friends and strangers (we cried)

• left Toronto

• spent a week in SF (my first time!) for Config & other adventures

• visited home in Vancouver for a month, saw family and friends, celebrated birthdays, grieved over a break-up, lived in my brother’s apartment to trial living alone, and hosted an experimental design jam just days before my flight back to Toronto (what is new)

• moved back to Toronto

• played super smash brothers ultimate as soon as i landed

• in my last post I said I wanted to shift my focus to craft in June. well, craft-wise i finally launched a re-designed portfolio that really feels like *me* !!!! started to double down on the freelancing route, to view myself as a business and as such treating what i do more seriously, attempting to hone my admin and financial processes, currently happy and excited about the variety of client projects i’m working on every day :)

• overall I’ve been feeling a lot of gratitude for the people in my life lately. A lot has been going on, and things have been a bit hectic to say the least, but if it wasn’t for my support systems I’m not sure how I’d be able to handle any of this. It truly takes a village. I feel very lucky to have the people in my life so willingly offer to help me move, refer me to clients/jobs, ease my worries, take care of me, spread positivity, support me through life changes big and small. I’ve spent so much of my life self-soothing that to be in an environment where I’m receiving so much love and support is wild to me, and I’m endlessly grateful. It reminds me how nothing else really matters when you’re spending time with people you love.

media i’ve been loving╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

i used to update these on my website before i re-launched, so figured i’d do them here instead!

• k-dramas: finished summer strike, welcome to samdalri, lovely runner. loved all of them, lovely runner especially certainly deserved its hype. 11/10

• music: i already know Tsunami by NIKI is going to be my favourite or atleast one of my favourites of the whole album even if Buzz isn’t dropping until friday. on bits of buzz (her tiktok series), I saw she cited tsunami as “giving libra.” as a libra this makes so much sense why i’ve had it on repeat now. i also really enjoy Say by Keshi (i know this is basic but genuinely why is it such a banger, i am so excited to be able to see both these artists LIVE very soon). I predict Buzz will particularly be a defining album for me, given NIKI’s description of it and its relevance to my life right now:

  The album is called Buzz because it signifies that something is about to happen. The promise of something new, when it isn’t real yet, hangs rich and sweet in the air. That millisecond moment in time, suspended in vast suggestion, where there is every opportunity for a shift in trajectory. Small or seismic. You choose. – NIKI

• books: unfortunately i have not been in my reading era…. making it a mission to get a tpl library card before the next newsletter

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• N and T for being awesome, absolute killers, fantastic lovely people I’m lucky to call some of my closest friends. my Toronto wouldn’t be the same without them.

• My entire host team - ER, JG, SJ for pulling off the event we did

• O and F for all the field trips

• The Futureland 100-day challenge group for keeping me consistent with writing everyday

• M, for continuing to ground me every week through our goal check-ins

• Everyone I got to see in Vancouver, especially NG, JZ, and AJ for being real ones

  • Atelier too, esp KN, AK, CW for welcoming me home & supporting me

• CW and DJ for collaborating with me in pulling off a design event last minute, propelling me to get my spark back

• C, as always, for giving me feedback on this post :)

7

I’m biking up Yonge St. and the wind is ferocious. It pushes me back; if I’m not careful my bike begins wobbling, and I face much resistance as I slowly pedal through the wind in efforts to reach my destination. I have to push past it, I think. I must, or I risk falling. All I can hope for is that the wind will stop sometime soon. 

But on the way back, I find it’s easy. I’m not using the same amount of force I used before. Things feels calm, they feel natural, and I feel free. The winds guide me to where I am trying to go. They propel me to think about the winds in my own life that I either find myself resisting against, or surrendering mercilessly to.

✻

I’ve been thinking a lot about focus recently. What matters to me, why they matter, what to focus on and optimize for, whether to go fast or slow, etc. It appears there are an infinite number of options. I find myself torn between different hobbies, career paths, even micro-decisions like whether to stay in on a Saturday night or go out. I first wrote about this in insatiable, where it feels like there are a million menu options at the all-you-can-eat buffet, and they’re comprised of all your favourite foods.

It’s a good problem to have, but one that begs the questions: How do you choose? Where should I be spending my finite time and energy? What am I optimizing for?1

I’ve particularly been reflecting on this Sam Altman quote, once from reading the excerpt directly from his article How to be Successful, and another time when referenced in Escaping Flatland. In Karlsson’s piece, he refers to life as this “multi-armed bandit”, a name derived from a probability theory problem.

A gambler faces a slot machine (“a one-armed bandit”), except this machine doesn’t have one arm—following some twisted dream logic, it has k arms, arms sticking out in every direction. Some of these arms have a high probability of paying out the jackpot, others are worse. But the gambler does not know which is which. The problem is pulling the arms in an order that maximizes the expected total gains.

…

The gambler needs to learn new knowledge about the machines and simultaneously use what they have already learned to optimize their decisions. In the literature, these two activities are referred to as exploring and exploiting. You can’t do both things at the same time. When you explore, you are pulling new arms on the bandit trying to figure out their expected payout. When you exploit, you pull the best arm you’ve found. You need to find the right balance. If you spend too little time exploring, you get stuck playing a machine with a low expected payoff. But if you spend too much time exploring, you will earn less than you would if you played the best arm. This is the explore/exploit trade-off.

— Henrik Karlsson, from Think more about what to focus on

I’m currently trying to figure out what these arms look like for me. Doubling down on my independent design practice vs. pursuing other full-time design roles, what community events to both run/host and attend, and whether I decide to run, gym, climb, or play volleyball consistently.2 Each arm yields a different set of results when pulled, and often requires optimizing for opposing things. For example, I know that investing in crafting my design portfolio would yield positive results in either scenario revolving around my career path. However, the freelance portfolio often optimizes for breadth of work whereas the product portfolio optimizes for depth. I can’t pull both arms at once.

Creatively, I would like to dedicate myself to writing for this Substack, but every additional minute spent on it means less time allocated towards other design projects in my backlog. I technically could still work on those projects on top of writing, but this would also eat into my time spent working to make a living among other higher priorities such as good health, which feels infeasible to shift focus away from.

While I know that I could do all of these in theory, I also know that means only maybe 1-2 of them can be done well at a time. When my focus is split, it feels like my heart is only half-in everything and I don’t feel like I’m putting my best foot forward into the various arms. It’s also simply unrealistic for me to believe I will always have the energy to put my 100% into all the things I care about. I yearn to be all-in. I wish to commit myself to something, but not just anything. I want to love something AND be able to dedicate myself to it fully.

That’s where focus comes in.

Focus isn’t just about saying no to things. It’s about saying no to the right things, to the things that require a sacrifice and have a relevant opportunity cost for saying no to it. Paraphrased from Steve Jobs, true focus is saying no to things that with every fibre of your being you want to say yes to and can’t stop thinking about, but you say no to it because you’ve committed to focusing on something else. For instance, it’s not enough for me to think I’m focused through saying no to watching k-dramas since I’m prioritizing work, because the sacrifice isn’t equal. It doesn’t carry the same weight of importance. Rather, it’s having the courage to choose between similar opportunities indexing on somewhat opposing benefits. Maybe you turn down an attractive full-time opportunity because you just committed to starting a business, or decide to move abroad for a new job when all your friends are going to New York. In either situation, you’re in pursuit of something you think you’ll love, while deliberately choosing to step away from something that you also love. It’s the decisions that break your heart a little (or a lot) to say no to, but you know it’s the right call to make for whatever your current goals are in life within the duration you’ve set. That’s focus.

So, what am I choosing to focus on now?

I’m not done exploring in the slightest, but I think I could really benefit from starting to pull a little on the arms I know has been working for me. These days, I often preach how I like to optimize for things like serendipity, silliness, laughter, fun, giggles. A large part of this has been achieved through community, and doing so has brought me more fulfillment than I’ve had in years (as evident in the love letter I poured my heart into over my communities in Toronto). With that being said, as of a few days ago I started going on a social media (mainly twitter/IG) break to get away from the world for a while and really think about what I want to focus on (cue: this post), as well as actually make meaningful progress in those directions. I’m currently on this break until May at the very least. If I’m slow to respond to any DMs, this is why :’)

This also means I’m on a semi-break from my community engagements, since most of it is fostered on Twitter (X). I have deliberately chosen to step away from something I love so much for a little while, because I actively want to dedicate more of myself to my craft. In order to hit the ground running in May with various community events I’m hosting, I’m going to need some time to A) really reflect on how I want to show up in the communities I want to see flourish as well as meaningfully engage with all the people I love, and B) focus on practicing within the level of craft I want to achieve, or in other words making progress in closing the gap between my taste and my abilities.

I don’t talk about it often, but going independent has been a journey filled with a lot of excitement and curiosity, but at the same time a lot of uncertainty and instability. I do think pursuing B) will take much more time than the short break I am allotting myself, but I’d still like to plant the seeds now and then spend the next quarter thinking more heavily on what I want for myself career-wise, while actually taking action to pursue those goals. I value all these arms a similar amount, so rather than removing them entirely I am merely shelving them away on rotation, placing a smaller focus on them until I have enough confidence to rotate my current focus out. By the end of May I foresee being able to have a better balance with my community involvement, and by June I’d like to shift craft into a top priority.

✻

These bidirectional winds can be anything from a career decision, to a lifestyle choice, to a community to invest in or a relationship to nurture. When I think about going where the wind blows, I see it as doing what naturally makes sense. Things that intuitively feel right, come easy, and are peaceful. See where it takes me, and see where I land despite the destination being uncertain or far away. In such situations, it’s easy to keep cruising regardless of an end destination because minimal effort is exerted to maintain my course, in the best way possible!

Alternatively, I could go against the wind. Actively fight to move towards something I’m not sure is worth all the resistance, but there’s intrinsic motivation and excitement for it that’s enough to tolerate the struggle. Whether that’s good or not is uncertain, but what’s known is that it’s a rocky path. It’s strenuous, it requires a lot of hard work, time, and effort. This path often requires much more conviction, as well as exploitation, to both survive and thrive.3

The different arms in my life are calling for different winds. Some of them will ride the more peaceful path, while others prove to be a bit more difficult. Perhaps the richest rewards lie in winds with a combination of both.

Until I know which is which, I shall keep riding. Slowly, the winds will take shape and begin to trace the outlines of my heart, carry currents that take the weight off my shoulders, and whistle harmonies that echo my heartbeat. Eventually, I’m sure I’ll hit jackpot. I patiently await those days.

life roundup 𐙚₊˚⊹

• much of april has been a blur. within the first week or so I had travelled to attend three demo-based events, each in a different city: Waterloo (Socratica Symposium), Vancouver (Atelier Showcase), and Toronto (New Demos 2).

  • they were all wonderful, and it’s clear to me I value such activities, but it’s also equally important for me to recognize when I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and I acknowledge that’s possible while still loving the communities I’m in (me, realizing i’m not, in fact, invincible :0). hence the short break !

• signed up for a 10k race because of some friends mentioned below when i haven’t ran one since high school! also climbed again for the first time in a loooong time

• visited home in Vancouver briefly to see family and friends (besides showcase) :)

• been playing a lot of Stardew Valley again (see footnote) whenever I have some downtime and loving it

• recently watched Exhuma at TIFF with one of my closest friends. super intense and impactful Korean supernatural horror-thriller, enjoyed and was terrified at the same time, ate gelato to recover. would recommend still if that’s up your alley

shoutouts ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

• somehow found myself in a lovely group of friends full of people who say good morning to each other and bestow hopeful wishes for the day (every day), people who push me to be a better version of myself and are slowly becoming my (sometimes literal) compass in life. shoutout jammy jams fr ♡

• T, who helped will this post into existence through another writing bet

• M and C, who gave super helpful feedback on this piece’s drafts <3

• M, N, C, and T who have all been hearing me out on some of this stuff, often resulting in me sending a slew of spammed messages that I am pleasantly surprised to receive meaningful responses to each time :’)

evening glow, wave to earth

Amber rays of sunlight filter into my room. I notice the slant of the shadows it casts, the snow melting and dripping from my windowsill like rain. Slowly at first, then all at once. It reminds me that as frequently as there might be storms, they too will pass. You can be born anew. Just like the seasons come and go, you will bloom again.

✻

It’s been some time since my last post. I wish I could say I have been taking the time to compose a longer, well-researched in-depth piece—but in reality, I’ve just been living a lot of life these days.

Though it pains me to have neglected writing in the process, I think this month has taught me a lot about the importance of community, environments, and taking things slowly while simultaneously knowing when to ramp up and ride momentum.

Wanted to write about some of the abundance I’ve been feeling as of late :)

It feels like I am returning to myself, a cycle akin to how I felt before starting university. I’ve discovered a new excitement for life. I have this wondrous optimism and am eager to exercise my own agency. The buzz of a new environment greets me with joy and possibility, and I’m curious to explore it. I’ve joked to my friends about how my first week here has felt like Orientation Week all over again, but it’s very true.

In my early years of undergrad I felt an extreme aversion to meeting people, going out, being social, etc., when in the later years of high school I was always out and about. In hindsight, it seems that maybe I was just surrounded by the wrong people (for me) when I was convincing myself I just didn’t like people. This was also coupled with my hyperfocus on school, work, and extracurriculars, where I rarely took the time to breathe and felt like seeing my friends were a ‘reward’ I had to earn rather than something that could be more integrated into my daily life.

Since I didn’t take advantage of as many social opportunities in undergrad, I wanted to situate myself somewhere where I could replicate a campus-like density of people again. In these four walls, I wrote about how uncertain I was about my decision to move. However, I’m really lucky to say those feelings were effectively dissolved within merely two weeks of landing in Toronto, largely because of people. Living in downtown Toronto has increased my surface area for serendipity tenfold, just from sheer proximity to friends and other talented, ambitious individuals. From chance meetings at the local coffee shop, to spontaneous hangouts with friends—I’ve felt so lucky to experience the magic of these moments firsthand. I’ve come to see now why everyone wants to live near their friends.

I’ve been feeling very inspired and supported to pursue my goals recently, and I attribute much of it to the communities and the people I’ve encountered here so far. I didn’t realize how much I longed for a sense of community, until I came here and experienced how rich it is to not just have one community to lean on, but interconnected communities. While I had a budding community in Vancouver I loved, it felt like that was my lifeline. Compared to here, I feel there are multiple communities I can rely on, stemming from various aspects of life such as undergraduate friends, to twitter mutuals, to other misc. connections, which is what makes it so awesome!

While thinking about building and sustaining community, these days have revealed to me how much of it boils down to having something regular to return to. A weekly co-working session, book club, sports practice, trivia night, and so on. Something you can rely on still being there with a recurring cadence, like an old friend. At first, it’s maybe a few faces, or none. But overtime, as you attend the same type of events or chat in a Discord server regularly, one friendly face becomes two, two becomes three, and eventually you find a group of people you come to spend time with and grow closer to over time. What’s even more pleasant is when you start moving these people outside the main context you met in, and still enjoying their company. Introducing them to other people you think they’d get along with, and watching those relationships flourish as well. Growing communities by weaving them into the fabrics of your existing social networks.

✻

In the short time I’ve been in Toronto I’ve been met with so much love, grace, and opportunity. It feels like this has all been possible thanks to the last 6 months of my life getting actively involved in community, and meeting those who have showed me the people really do make all the difference. It’s almost made me suspicious, how good life feels to me right now. When bringing this up to a friend over dinner, she reminded me to not question it when I’m happy. So dare I say: I’m feeling lucky, grateful, happy.

I feel like I’m blooming.

some things i’ve been up to

• Moved into my new apartment downtown beginning of this month, and it has been hectic and exhausting to say the least. Glad to say I am somewhat settled in now though!

• I spent a weekend in Orangeville on a creator’s retreat where we made homemade pasta, hiked in the snow, gazed at the stars, and sang songs by the fireplace while cooking s’mores. It was so sweet to see how 20 strangers turned into friends by the end of the trip <3

• Hosted a design accelerator within my first month landing here, which makes me all the more grateful for the power of community and how many people supported me in this idea I had to make something happen :’) 

• Hosting and attending weekly weekend co-working sessions

• I’ve been semi-regularly attending Walk and Talks hosted by my friends Hussam and Tommy, if you’re around in Toronto you should definitely check it out!

• Coworking sessions out of my friends’ apartments, coworking at new cafes with different friends, occasional jam nights, show and tells

• Intimate dinner nights for female creatives; one where I got my friends together in one room to be silly, and another where we talked about our feelings and wrote wax-sealed letters to each other

• Various other community meetups and events

• Adoring my friend’s cat

• failed miserably at getting IU concert tickets ;-;

• Getting bike-pilled! Been using the city bikes to get around as of late and I’m so excited to be able to do so even more as the weather warms up. Other ways I’ve been active include walking everywhere, playing volleyball semi-regularly, hitting the gym, trying hot pilates for the first time. Been getting pressured to get on that ClassPass grind so that might be my next thing as well

• a k-drama i’m starting: Queen of Tears

some shoutouts

• Everyone I’ve had the privilege of meeting recently through these communities. Particularly these people who have made my time worth it thus far here: TT, NC, LN, the design girlies (<3), reading club (JL), jam friends, various twitter mutuals, the roomies, and so much more. Thank you for everything.

• K, who pushed me to make the move to Toronto in the first place

• T, who I told I would shave my head if I didn’t get a blogpost out by the end of the week (we both mutually agreed to extend to Sunday…), but atleast I get to have my hair for another day, huzzah! I had a lot of different things I wanted to write for this publish, but I’ve ended up scrapping a lot with intentions to dive into them deeper in further posts. I just needed this to get me back into my regular writing cadence, so I hope to have those see the light of day soon :)

• M, who despite not being near me has made every day here feel a bit lighter

I’m 22 now, but every time I return home to my childhood bedroom it feels like I am 10, 15, 18 all over again. 

One of the first times I felt this way was in my third year of university. When I flew back home for the holidays, I remember arriving at a place that I thought would bring comfort and reassurance, but somehow, it didn’t.  

The place I called home for over a decade, a place so familiar to my touch, head, and heart – suddenly felt so foreign. But funnily enough, nothing had changed from the way I left it. Save for a few new plants my mom decided to tend to in my room, or the worn-out couch in the living room that was finally replaced – everything was the same. Yet, I felt so different. 

Maybe it was me that changed.

I remember walking into my bedroom only to feel shackled to the bed frame. I felt small, stunted, stagnant. Why was this case? 

Like I had tweeted at that time, I felt like my experience during that first semester I moved out was a petri dish for my personal growth.1For the first time, I had tasted agency! I had experienced what it was like to really live on my own, and got comfortable with my daily routine. I had grown into a person beyond my wildest dreams, but when I’m home, I feel like all that work gets undone and I rescind into my childhood self. I feel unmotivated. I feel lost. I suppose that is why I constantly want to leave, and why I’ve left these four walls again. 

✻

Four walls. I watched them change, as they watched me.

Most places I go won’t remember me. But these four walls do. No one has seen me grow and change more than them, despite promptly abandoning them for most of my undergrad. How can these four walls hold so much emotion, so much power over me? They taunt me constantly. Memories of a former self seep through these layers of re-painted concrete, where all I can do to try to contain it is add another layer.

From white, to pink, to its current state lacquered with a milk tea-esque beige. My walls changed as frequently as I felt I wanted to—when I decided they would be beige, I was deciding I was no longer the little girl who loved pink. More than that, it represented the shift from childhood to becoming a young adult.

If I took a hammer to chip away at the paint beneath these walls, I’m scared of what would come out. 

Inside these walls, my mother’s lectures are trapped between the soundboards. 

Inside these walls lie the ghosts of my former selves I can’t even recognize anymore. 

Inside these walls contain a little girl’s hopes and dreams, a teenager’s failures and rejections, and all her in-between banal moments. 

My bed has seen me cry more than anyone ever has. Curled up like an armadillo, I sometimes instinctually will end up releasing a wave of emotions just from assuming the same position I always would when I wanted to cry. The frog plush L got me for my 20th birthday sits on my bed all pretty, but it knows more than anyone what an emotional support crutch it is for me. 

As I gaze at these four walls before each departure, I recognize they are more than just physical boundaries defining my room’s space. They encapsulate the intangible layers of memories and emotions that have shaped my upbringing and journey into adulthood.

✻

02/07/2024

days left until takeoff: five.

The days have been incredibly bittersweet. 

I think back about my time in Vancouver. I think about what ode, what homage I want to pay to it. I scroll through the photos in my camera roll, and feel I don’t have much I feel strongly about nowadays, save for Atelier and a few close friends. 

I will always be fond of this place for the growth it gave me. For developing my love of nature; the hiking and backcountry camping trips, and biking on islands I never could have fathomed. I’m nostalgic for my time spent as a camp counsellor and senior home volunteer; days spent holding car wash posters or selling Krispy Kreme donuts for fundraisers. For spikeball summers barefoot in the grass.

—

four. 

I recently read a piece of advice that, paraphrased, expressed “the best place to be is where you currently are.” But I really couldn’t figure out how to make Vancouver the place I wanted to be, at least at this point in my career/life. These last 5 months getting heavily involved with my communities have been wonderful and more than I could’ve ever imagined to be possible, and as I said before the days have been incredibly bittersweet attempting to part with these people. Yet, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I want to be elsewhere. That I’m meant to be elsewhere. It’s not a promise for bigger or greater or better. It’s rooted in deep intuition. When I think of the core of a city, I think about its people. How there are people here I will miss, for sure. But I think I’m more excited about the possibilities with people elsewhere. 

—

three.

I’m having a hard time admitting it, but I’m terrified. You would think that after years of packing up my life in a suitcase I’d be used to it by now, but for some reason this frightens me much more than when I moved to Seoul (halfway across the world, as opposed to just halfway across the country). Maybe it’s because in a way, I was still comforted by the fact I would be on exchange and that I had a ‘structure’ set in stone for me. I had a determined path. This time, there is no path to follow. I’m doing this simply because I decided I would do this, and I have no clue how it will pan out. I’m so scared of starting over again.

—

two.

I always feel so weird during these times. No one talks about how much of a struggle it is to cope with the idea of leaving a place while simultaneously being excited for a new one. To cope with all these struggles while still having responsibilities to fulfill until I’m gone.  To simultaneously love a place while wanting to leave it. I wonder if I’m making the right choice.2

Do I invest in my communities here or try to grow them elsewhere? What attaches me to a community? Is attachment the right word? How to have permanence? Does this make me look flaky? I’ve constantly been setting up shop in new areas, planting my roots, watching myself flourish in one way or another, only to uproot myself again. 

I will never get back these four walls, not in the way I once had them. 

I was watered here. And I am uprooting myself again. How will I be taken care of now? 

How will I bloom?

—

one.

Last night, I dreamt of a world full of faces I had only come to know and recognize these last few months. It’s amusing to me how despite spending much of my life here in Vancouver, a majority of the people who have made this city meaningful for me reside in people I have not known for very long.

I arose to the pitter patter of raindrops on my rooftop, in and out of slumber, as I heard my mom in the kitchen prepping for Lunar New Year celebrations. The walls of my house are easily permeable by sound, and being a light sleeper I always found myself awaking at random intervals because of a floorboard creaking or the kitchen faucet turning on. My dad, getting ready for work at 6am, or my grandma cooking breakfast. Despite this slight inconvenience of waking up when I’m not quite ready yet, I always found it quite comforting. I knew that when I heard sounds in the kitchen, it was a sign of presence from people who loved me.

I hope the house isn’t too silent for them after I’m gone. 

—

zero.

These four walls.

I want to paint them green now, but maybe they’re meant to stay just the way they are.

closing

• if you’ve made it this far, thanks so much for reading what is probably one of the most vulnerable and personal pieces i’ve written. i’ve been writing this on and off over the last month or so (with seeds planted here and there a few years ago), and though i was planning to release it before i left, it also feels right to release now.

• oh, also - I’ve moved to Toronto now! life is a bit of blur and many things are happenings and it feels pretty surreal I still haven’t processed. I’m still in denial tbh, it feels like I’m visiting temporarily still as I don’t even have my lease yet lol

• i am so grateful for all the people in my life who love me and whom i love and who actively make plans with me and marks important things for me in their calendar for as i do for them and and - people are just so wonderful. this goes for all the people in vancouver, in toronto, and all over the world. here, there, and everywhere. rambled but i just feel so many feelings!

• thank you as always, to C who gave feedback on my imagery for this one <3

(light tw: eating disorders)

I used to have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food. In my family home, there was always a plethora of snacks available. ‘Food’ that wasn’t actually fulfilling, that was cheap yet incredibly tantalizing. I couldn’t help myself. Although I wasn’t hungry, I would mosey down into the kitchen, eat ‘just one’ chocolate or one biscuit, and before you know it I’d wake up surrounded by wrappers. This wasn’t a one-off thing either, it was a recurring pattern. I was immensely upset with myself for it, and frustrated with how I couldn’t seem to change. I didn’t feel good in the slightest.1

My struggle was rarely with eating more, it was with stopping after I was full.

Something I constantly had to remind myself of was that the food will always be there.

My relationship with food parallel to how I choose to spend my time and energy. 

What do I wanna taste? What will not only satiate, but nourish me? What are the high-protein equivalents of life opportunities?2 What will make me so full because of all the intentional ingredients poured into it?

In the past, I would forget I’m full and keep adding things to my plate (or I would know I’m full yet do it anyways), but they weren’t always things that were good for me. They occasionally upset my stomach. They were the kinds of items I added because someone else encouraged me to eat more3, forced their recommendations onto me, or to whom I felt obligated to eat in front of because, well, they baked those cookies themselves!

It’s people you feel guilty for saying no to; blockers disguised as good opportunities. Looking around, I don’t think my peers were all that different. In a society that rewards overeating, the pursuit of fullness means your plate is never cleared. Busy is synonymous with productivity, and productivity is synonymous with success. 

The first few times people see potential in you, it can feel like you have to take every opportunity you’re offered. And the first few times you’re doing that, the payoff is usually pretty good since you’re just getting started, and you’re immensely grateful. But as you get increasingly good at what you do, more people will start paying attention. And more people will start demanding your time.

Similarly, my dearest friend M also wrote this reminder to me a few years ago:

These days I still keep forgetting I’m full, and keep adding things to my plate, but this time the foods are different. The yolks topple over buttered English muffins, hollandaise sauce spilling out the sides, every surface area of ceramic covered with an assortment of fruit, salad, and cheese (with of course, proteins at the base!). Suddenly, I love to eat. I LOVE EATING!! Where I once gazed upon the items laid out before me and felt guilt, taunt, and overwhelm—these days I look up from my plate and feel so lucky to indulge in foods that nourish me. Foods that motivate me to be better. Foods that connect me to so many wonderful people.

Now, I face a different issue: I’m at an all-you-can-eat buffet where the menu is comprised of all my favourite foods. How do I choose, when everything feels fulfilling and worthwhile and meaningful to pursue? A good problem to have! 

I was talking to A about this the other day: 

It’s a really, really good problem to have. It’s not something I can easily carve definite solutions for, and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to. It will keep presenting itself in different forms, under different flavours, and I will have to update old recipes.

Though once again, I can remind myself, the food will always be there. While some foods might have expiry dates, for the most part there are still many other nourishing foods that I know will still be around, I just might have to save them for next season’s rotational menu. And who knows, by that time I might feel they’ve lost their decadence as my taste expands and evolves. But that’s okay! Endless foods to discover.

I am so, so full right now. But man, am I also hungry for more.

It’s 10:41pm on New Years Eve. I’m sitting at my desk, in a race against time as I cut and paste bits and pieces of my aspirational life for my 2024 vision board. Although I know nothing tangibly will change whether I finish at 11:59 or 12:01, I still feel this pressure to be done before the clock strikes 12. So here I am, scrapping together these images in a desperate attempt to match what I don’t have currently (or what I have at a very minimal level) to what I wish to actively be involved with in the future. To manifest more moments like these.  

The first few weeks of the new year always buzzes with excitement in the air. We talk about our goals, what we hope to achieve in the year, what we want to make of ourselves. What we might want to prove to the world. In a way, a lot of it is wrapped up in the sort of identities we want to embody.

For me, this is conceptualized through the vision board I make every year. And every year, I stare blankly at the canvas before me, wondering what it is I actually want for myself. And if the things I’m striving for are what makes me, me.

I wonder what it means to call my identity mine, though I’m not sure if it can ever fully be my own. After all, I am simply an amalgamation of everyone I’ve ever loved and currently love1. But what I do know, is that I’ve made big strides in the last two years to focus on what I truly value, and actualize my visions. 

For instance, every year I’ve spent a weekend on a “mini-retreat” banning myself from accessing internet2 to really dig into myself, my identity, what I want for the future, etc. I recently sat down to look back on the docs from my first one a few years ago and am shocked at how much I had forgotten about how I had chosen to define myself at the time.

Some learnings: 

• So much of what I valued laid in titles, brand names, or generic subjects that i’m pretty sure was just riding the wave of tech crowds without truly knowing what I valued, or how I see and experience the world through my lived experiences.

  • So much of it was an attempt to signal status. Looking at people whom I had put on pedestal, seeing what they’re interested in, and trying to get interested in those topics myself. By affiliation, I thought it would give me a social boost.

• I also feel I tied up too much of my identity to labels rather than articulating why I do what I do. This led me to feel extreme dissonance if I deviated from it, so much that if there was any disconnect between the label and what I did in real life, it felt like I was breaking down as a person. Like I didn’t have integrity; as if I were a fraud. 

  • e.g. I recently started eating meat again after spending 8 years living as a vegetarian. Honestly, a good chunk of these years existed because I was afraid of how people would react when I was no longer vegetarian, that my morals and values would be questioned for my choices. When I stopped attaching myself to this label and focused more on my intentions behind what I eat and why, it was freeing and has been much better for my health.

• The reality is, priorities change. To have integrity does not mean that you never deviate from what you once advocated for pursuing before. It means that at each step of the way, you are true to how you feel. To have integrity is to accept you no longer care for something in the way that you once did. 

• Travel has shaped so much more of my identity today than I ever could have imagined. ​​How was I supposed to know who I was when I barely went out in the world? When I rarely observed what I liked, disliked? So much of what I thought was my identity laid in what I did in the past rather than what I actively do now and what I look towards in the future. When I speak about actualizing my visions now, this means an actual attempt in my day-to-day to work towards my aspirational futures.3

• Partially, I also think I was interested in what I was because it felt comfortable. It was familiar. It was within my domain of expertise. But when it came to topics I was actually more curious about, but afraid to work on, I didn’t adopt it as my ‘identity.’ I sometimes feel this barrier of incompetence, that I’m not smart enough to explore this deeper, that there’s so many people out there working on it that know better than I do. I remember at some point starting to explore some ideas and keeping a list of them, but never actually tinkering/building anything out. Or, that I haven’t proved to myself that I’m someone who should be working on it. Or I’m afraid I don’t have good enough ideas. I know none of this should stop me, but it did at the time. 

• Lastly, a lot of it was also related to work. It has taken me a while to learn how to detach my sense of self worth and identity from my work, but I do think that parts of me only exist because of what I do for work. I could not begin to fathom who I am if I never did design, because so much of how I interact with and see the world flows from what I know about design. I can’t even play a game without thinking about the onboarding flow or the subtle design signals to nudge me in wayfinding. It’s a balance for sure.

Moving forward, I would like to continue speaking about my identity as an entity that is active and evolving. I find myself gravitating towards identifying with my motivations and what I actively practice instead of specific labels. Talking about myself with words that reflect what I do and am interested in in the present, as well as what I look towards in the future. Everything else I consider to be a past life4. Instead of “I’m a community leader,” it’s “I’m excited about fostering spaces for community and collaboration.” While the former is still true, the latter feels more genuine! There’s still so much nuance and exploration I’m grappling with, but is something I accept will inevitably continue for the rest of my life.

In this way, these thoughts tie closely to how I feel my social media platforms are essentially crossing points; intersections for all the people I’ve ever encountered in my life. How I present myself online, is in some way shape or form influenced by who’s watching. The audience I’ve built up on the internet becomes the convergence of all my past lives, my present lives, and the lives I yearn for for the future. In these worlds, the layers of me unveil themselves like onion skins. A central hub for these diverse mix of interests. But in the cultivation of such an environment, there is no focus. This context collapse is why many people create smaller, more focused accounts dedicated to different parts of them. What sides of me do I show online? What parts do I hide? To whom, in what situations? I’d like to explore this further in a future piece. 

“We shape our tools, and in turn, our tools shape us.” ~Marshall McLuhan

some updates

• i am moving to toronto! in yearning for permanence I write about not knowing where to go when the people I love are everywhere. I have decided to just choose and see where it takes me. growing up in vancouver but attending undergrad in london (ontario), toronto happens to be a place where many of the people I care about exist, and I feel strongly about its possibilities and potential for me.

• some visions of mine for 2024: volleyball arc, a consistent writing presence (especially through this blog, thanks to 30+ of you folks reading!), prototyping ideas > overthinking them, building and participating in communities that feel like home, growing my freelance business, exploring more mixed-media art

• current k-drama: twinkling watermelon

• current site i’m obsessed with: https://kidsuper.world/

• published some small updates to my portfolio, with an about page that feels more like me as a result of all my findings mentioned from this piece

January was turquoise. For the favourite colour of someone impactful in my life. For the name of a board game cafe. For the murky waters I spent so long in, that I never knew there was a world out of it. For that new world I was introduced to. For the beach theme of a hackathon I ran a workshop for. 

February was fiery red. For CNY blessings; the parade I marched in. For the maple leaf on the wing of my flights. For the excitement I felt from stepping into my new home across the world. For the music cafe I went to on my first day in Seoul. For the Squid Game plush I won playing arcade basketball. Fresh, authentic kimchi. For a passion so strong, I was entranced. One that made me wonder, maybe this one will last.

March was smoky grey. But peeking behind the smoke, it was also so, so golden. Flames are bound to die out. The fiery red of February turned to smoke after just one call. “I think we should take a break.” March was grey for the tears that followed, mixing into the tteokbokki on my rooftop in Itaewon. The tears that would continue a week later, hitting the Hongdae pavement at 3am. It turns out I am in fact, not invincible. For the first time in a long time, I had let myself envision a future with someone, and to have that change overnight was almost incomprehensible. 

But it was also golden, for the hanbok I wore at Gyeongbukgong Palace. For my first concert in Korea, sitting on swings, and listening to ballads as the city goes to sleep. For visiting the filming locations of some of my favourite k-dramas. For the shininess of my foreign residence card. I can’t believe I’m really here. For the way the sunlight reflected on the Han River. For the glowing lights of a hidden terrarium cafe. For the familiarity and comfort of Chinatown, on a day trip to Incheon with my roommates.

March was golden in every way possible, and I was sure the smoke was temporary. 

April was PANTONE 13-1520: Rose Quartz. For the fandom colour and comeback of my favourite k-pop group, SEVENTEEN. For the cherry blossoms I’d admire in Ewha; followed by busking in Yeouido. For the sweetness of concerts and festivals I had the privilege of scoring tickets for. For the flowers I’d buy myself on commutes home (and bartering with the florist, who compliments my Korean). For endless belly laughter at the weekly pub. For writing more, and learning to lean into my intuition. For taking more little bets on myself. For beginning to heal. 

Already, I started preemptively missing Korea. To miss a place while still being there, pre-nostalgia. I clung to these memories for they were fleeting, desperate to catch them before they could escape. Do you ever just want to bottle up a moment? 

May was matcha green, for my daily dose at Paik’s. For the 5511 bus to campus where I lost my phone (and in a miraculous rollercoaster of events, recovered it two hours later), and the 03 to my nearest subway station. Green for a nature-filled day adventure in Gapyeong. For the soju-filled fridges during MT. For the drunken nights by the beach in Busan, where waves danced in harmony with the melodic, gentle winds. For the excitement of amusement park rides at Wolmido Island, and the carefreeness of dancing in public to the sound of nearby buskers. Fireworks all around. For experimenting with film and content creation. Is this what living feels like?

But just when I thought things were beginning to clear up, the residual smoke of March still haunts me. It covers me in soot, chokes me so hard I can barely breathe. I will escape its grip, I write. I will, I will, I will. 

June was sky blue, for the blindingly bright skies on my final days in Korea. Finals were a blur. For a much needed weekend retreat to Gangneung and Sokcho; the refreshing taste of cold noodles after a brutal hike. For the beginnings of a Snoopy obsession upon landing in Jeju. For casually running into an idol group at the airport. For saying “Toire wa doko desu ka?” constantly in Japan. For the magic I felt stepping into Nintendo World at Universal Studios. For the water fights at a music festival (I was drenched). For nailing a makeup routine that felt like me.

July was lilac. Singapore. Brunei. Malaysia. My mother’s birthday. A month for family, and learning to be patient with my family. After all, it’s their first time at life, too.

August was peach. For finally hiking the Chief, which had been on my bucket list since high school (despite getting stung by a wasp). For seeing my favourite artist on stage for the second time, basically front row!! For the beautiful landscapes of Melbourne, meeting some family for the first time. For the grass I missed below my feet as I played spikeball with my friends. For finishing my last exam of undergrad. For post-travel withdrawals, and feeling foreign in my own home. Everything looked the same. But oh, was I different.

I thought everything was clear. Though I suppose it’s only natural, now that I had returned to the places where memories were planted, that the smoke comes back in waves. Oh, how the body remembers. But with each passing wave, it clears up. The smoke dissipates, and I see the sun shine through.

September was umber, for the muddied leaves that stuck to my shoes. For the beginnings of a community I would find myself going back to time and time again. For landing more opportunities. For getting sick. For a spontaneous Wave to Earth concert. For my lack of consistency in work and working out. This is not a practice life, I whispered to myself.

October was marigold. For turning 22, and the flower of my birth month. For my first adult wedding. For showing my parents the university I had attended for the last 4 years, for the first time. For the trees behind my graduation photos. For meeting a little British shorthair. For side projects and making my own font. For carving pumpkins, and multiple game nights. For film festivals and seasonal ice-cream. 

November was iridescent. For pursuing what feels right. Great convos, better people. For getting back into a solid, consistent gym routine and doing personal training. For Hack Western, for Symposium. For getting invited on and recording my first podcast. For believing in myself again, and having optimism. For conversations that would change the trajectory of my next year. For seeing M in-person again, the girl that keeps me grounded the most. For joining a community of people who are just as lost as I am but want to pursue this lostness together. For writing and publishing more. 

November was a month I thought I’d be somewhere else. When I came home to my childhood bedroom in August, I felt lost. I had the urge to leave again, escape somewhere south like Mexico or Portugal in November to avoid feeling like I had hit my peak in the first half of 2023. How could life get any better than this? I had thought.

But I didn’t leave. I planted my feet, and November was the one that snuck up on me instead. November, you were different. Whenever it felt like things were grey, I’d look closer and new colours would present themselves.

Suddenly, November was full of colours I never knew existed. 

December was a frosty, pale blue. No snow this year, but life still seemed to glisten. For an electric, successfully-hosted event that inspired people to believe in themselves and create for the sake of creating. It seems to me that finding the right people is like having ambrosia run through your veins. Frosty for the icing around a farewell cake, for friends off to pursue their dreams. For the jingles and ho ho ho’s you can’t escape from everywhere you go, even if everything is not merry and bright. For Snoopy hand cream I was gifted. For constant singing, dancing, and cheering at an in-theatre concert experience. For an unexpected storm impacting a loved one. For the approaching winter, and family dinners.

For creating more for my communities, and all the people I love.

In 1428 words, 6638 characters, and 12 colours — 2023, I thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I’m looking forward to seeing what colours 2024 will hold.

The theme of this piece is inspired by a friendship I fell out of. She once wrote to me about how she has a colour for every month, and the meanings behind each. I know it’s incredibly unlikely she’ll ever come across this post, but if there’s even the slightest chance she’s reading this I just want to say — Thank you for the light you’ve brought to my life. Every October, I still think about you and hope you’re doing okay. I hope October is no longer grey for you. 

Shoutouts to:

M, who I have been doing weekly, monthly, and yearly recaps with for the last two years. Thanks to our monthly documentation, I was able to better remember this year and put together this piece! 

C, who gave me feedback on this post both in writing and imagery <3

What were the colours of your year? I’d love to know in the comments below :)

I tend to get obsessed easily. Discovering a new game in one second and playing it all day the next, diving down a Wikipedia rabbithole, or even planning out my entire future with someone who I just met (call me delusional or whatever). 

Spontaneous bursts of motivation; they come in waves that ebb and flow. Though most are short-lived, some outlast others and become enduring. 

Obsessive spouts is what I call them. I might try to put a lid on them but they leak, they overflow into my days and nights. When I was obsessed with getting my first blogpost out, I holed myself in cafes to write all day, and edited thumbnails in class. Sleepless nights derived from video editing marathons. Somehow, a portfolio re-design is done overnight when other days it’s difficult for me to even update text. 

These spouts help me notice. They help me learn about myself.

Obsession helps me curate my taste. 

Lately, I've been contemplating how I curate my taste. I’d say it often starts by chasing your curiosities, but what does that really mean?

For the longest time, I was torn over if the things I’m curious about are actually what I’m curious about or if they’re things I think I should be curious about because, well, everyone else seems to be curious about them! I was tempted to ask others what they think I’m curious about based on what I seemed to signal etc., but then at that point I’m relying on other people’s opinions of me rather than trusting my own intuition. For someone who writes about self-trust, this is ironic. When I was more unsure of myself, “copying” what others were doing became a launchpad for exploring what I liked and didn’t like.

Now, I make a conscious effort to turn inward first. This shift has been particularly impactful over recent years, as I’ve found myself observing my feelings, thoughts, and behaviours almost omnisciently. I keep a running list of things I like and dislike, of what energizes and what drains me. I refer back to the list when I feel I’ve forgotten who I am. When something deeply resonates, I save it to my Curius. I recently started an Ar.ena for more visual references. At this point, I feel I’ve gotten a pretty good pulse on what I actually like and dislike, and the evidence is in what I actively pursue and continue learning about. Over time, these lists continue to grow and evolve as I do. In turn, I get to see the trajectory of my taste evolution decently well — what sticks, what doesn't.

When I notice my natural inclination towards a particular topic, I lean in. I double down. Even if it’s short-lived, it signals to me what’s exciting. It’s listening to the inner voice instead of suppressing it. Eventually if I do this often enough, I’m sure I’ll find something enduring, long-lasting. Perhaps that is what I would call my “passion.” I think passion is pretty interconnected with obsession in a way, though obsession is usually viewed with a negative connotation and passion with a positive one. While passion is important, it takes a certain obsessiveness to really nail something down to its core and execute in a way that feels right. The product you love so much and use daily? I bet someone was obsessed enough with the details to make it just right. I hope to have that obsessiveness shine through my craft as well.

So what do I tend to lean into?

I find myself jumping to community initiatives in a heartbeat. That much has been evident to me from my past experiences organizing hackathons, and current experiences hosting Atelier sessions. I want to gather people, cultivate both physical and digital spaces for experimentation and play, and create worlds that inspire magic. I pore over mixed-media, my mind buzzing with a dozen ideas a day of how to communicate how we feel via various mediums of art and expression. I’m sentimental and I feel memories vividly – I try to package them in any way I can. I journal. I write. I make silly little scrapbook Instagram carousels and travel reels. I dive into these activities so much that I often don’t know where the hours go while working on them.

I’m often aware I am in these obsessive spouts. I know they might not lead to a “productive” outcome. I know I’m caring way more than I should and letting it consume my entire soul when sometimes it shouldn’t. But insofar it’s not detrimental to my health or those around me, I will continue to obsess. To dive into those rabbitholes, observe my patterns, change course as necessary, rinse and repeat.

Because I think that sometimes, you need to care. That it’s beautiful to care. That in order to work on something that really, truly, makes you feel it in all of your bones you have to be utterly obsessed. To love and care for something (or someone) so deeply you’re willing to pull out all the stops. That obsession is way cooler than apathy.

If you’re anything like me, you might benefit from leaning into your obsessions too. Then maybe, just maybe—you’ll find something that lasts.

some recent obsessions

• making personal websites more personal (also related: websites that feel super handmade)

• a k-drama: Castaway Diva

• ligatures and handcrafted typography after trying to make my own font

• action button’s 6-hour boku no natsuyasumi game review

• after visiting Snoopy Garden on Jeju Island this year and learning all the Snoopy lore I developed a Snoopy obsession. since then, I’ve pretty much tried to acquire anything and everything Snoopy. my mom’s friend recently gifted me a set of of Snoopy hand cream and I could not be more delighted

• getting my protein in and hitting the gym. this has been pretty enduring and consistent. i swear my friends roll their eyes everytime i request for my only dietary preference being a high protein meal

• this interactive music video/website that i literally discovered this morning (of the day I’m publishing this post) and am now off in obsession to plot out the mixed-media creations i want to make

In August, I returned from a 6-month travel stint abroad comprising of my last semester of undergrad on exchange and some mini-travels. Ever since I’ve been back home, every interaction I’ve had with friends has been a reunion. Or namely, a catch-up session to talk about what I’ve been up to the last 6 months. “How was Korea?” “Are you working now or recruiting?” “Where are you staying/headed?”

Not that any of these questions are bad, nor am I innocent of asking similar questions myself. Plus I obviously want to know what my friends have been up to and they want to know the same about me.

But it makes me feel a bit sad. Same story spit out over and over, with varying levels of specificity depending on who I’m talking to. Then rinse and repeat the next time we meet. I started thinking about why I felt this way. After all, what’s so bad about reunions? I feel lucky to even have people I’d love to catch up with, and vice versa. I should be grateful to even have opportunities to meet the people I love again (which I am).

I am, I am. But at the same time, I realize it feels like I’ve been playing this game of “catchup” the last 4 years of my life.  For context, I’d go to school in Ontario for 8 months out of the year, flying back to my hometown of Vancouver during the summer months. When I’m home, I’m catching up people on my time in school. When I’m in school, I’m catching up people on my time at home.

Until when will my friendships stop feeling like catch-ups, and more like experiencing life together? To not need to catch people up, because they were right there with me.

Post-grad life is the saddening acceptance that you're no longer experiencing life with your closest friends. Every interaction is a catch-up sesh, spill the tea vibes, rather than doing life with them. We’re all on different paths overall, and it’s hard to fill in the context gaps when you weren’t physically there in the moment. It’s so hard to distill these experiences into words when to truly grasp it you had to be there. You had to feel it in all of its sensations, be able to manipulate it, and get tactile feedback. 

Is this adulting? Where every hangout is no longer exploring nooks and crannies of a city or late nights in the library, but rather conversations over a cup of coffee? Where we’re squeezing out as much as we can from a lunch break to fill each other in on the lore of our lives since the last time we saw each other (2,6,10 months ago?) The catch-ups I do have are lovely, but I just wish there could be time for more.

I realize that for some others, this might never be an issue that crosses their minds because they have a sense of permanence. They grew up in one location, and have been there for a long time. I am always returning home, whereas they have always been at home. Most aren’t concerned with how they fit into a city, the role they play in it, or where they should move next. Whereas I have no clue, physically, where I’m going to be. I often wonder what purpose each city serves me and what purpose I serve the city.

I yearn for a sense of permanence. For my life to not be packable into a 23kg suitcase. 

Something I've gotten pretty used to over the last 4 years is packing my life neatly into a 23kg luggage, or often just a carry-on. Back and forth, back and forth. But is life so easily packable like that? I’m afraid to commit to making a space feel like home when I'm just going to leave in 4 months anyways. Minimalism is aesthetically pleasing. But maximalism feels like home. There is something satisfying about being able to neatly pack all your life belongings in one suitcase, sure. But there is also something deeply saddening about it. Always on the move. Always on the run. Where is home? Is home a place? For me, I’ve been increasingly feeling like home is in people over places or things.

Because of my frequent travelling, I’ve developed some sense of community in multiple places. Home in Vancouver lie many of my high school friends, of which a few I am still close to. In Toronto, it’s largely university and internet friends. Homies here and there in the States. And after exchange, I now have various branches of friends planted everywhere around the world.

It’s abundant, yet lonely. It’s strange how though I know I’m loved, I still get these pangs of loneliness.

It’s having multiple timezones in your calendar and world clocks on your lockscreen. It’s wishing I could spend all 4 seasons with the same people: seeing cherry blossoms during spring, spending summer days on the beach, crunching leaves on an autumn morning, and watching holiday lights twinkle in the winter. 

In the absence of people who made you love a place, how can we still call it home? The people I love are everywhere and my home is in all of them.

So where do I go from here?

closing

If you enjoyed this post, let me know! I welcome any comments and am fairly active on Twitter if you’d like to reach out. As well, here are some other related writings I resonated with while writing this piece:

• Kasra’s post about distant close friendships

• Vincent’s thread on transient relationships

To catch you up as the reader, here’s some of my life updates since the last post:

• finished exchange! travelled to japan, singapore, malaysia, brunei, australia after with my family :)

• i graduated and turned 22 in one weekend, and am back home in Vancouver freelancing full-time while i navigate post-grad feelings

• i help co-host community co-working sessions for passion projects every week at UBC, inspiring me to create more. we’re running a demo showcase on december 3rd if you’re in Vancouver (i’m demo-ing!) :)

• I’ve ruminated on some of the thoughts in this piece for the longest time. I recognize I’m lucky to even be able to consider something like this painful, and that there are people I leave behind when I move around so often too. It’s a constant struggle for me where I feel this guilt and gratitude simultaneously, yet yearn for more. But that all said, I’m pretty hopeful I may have found a solution. in my playful possibilities era .. stay tuned for more of what that might mean

This time last year, I was counting down my days. Not in anticipation, but out of fear. How many days left until I’ll have to leave my friends? With only one month left in my semester before I moved out of Western for good and headed off to exchange for my last slice of undergrad, I prepared myself for all the goodbyes. It’s not like we would have never seen each other again, but it was the uncertainty of when we’d see each other next that was painful.1 It was the realization of how much these people have truly contributed to your life, and the bittersweet acceptance that this era of your life has come to a close.

I think about how lucky I am to have had such serendipitous moments in my life that lead to the most beautiful friendships. 

It’s the moments we can’t get back.

Frolicking in the grass. Sprinklers going off. Your hesitant asking, “should we run through it?” My response: “I’m down if you’re down.” In solidarity - we laugh, we get muddy, we play, we become kids again. Echoes of joy vibrating through the May air, where nothing else matters. Moments that feel infinite.2

My stomach hurts. Belly laughter kind of hurt. Hours and hours and hours together. In each other’s presence. 

Climbing on top of closets. Sleeping on top of closets?

Birthday surprises in a dorm room. Playing hide-and-seek in residence. Staying up to 3am conjuring Would you Rather or Most Likely To prompts.

It’s getting up at 5:20am, and knocking on my roommate’s door at 5:25am as her wake-up call so that we can go to the gym. No buses are running, so we walk. And it’s despite the heavy snow, trudging through it so we don’t miss our 6am reservation.3 Screaming “what did you say?!” every five seconds because I can’t hear a thing when my parka hood is on. I look like a Q-tip all zipped up.4 

Dear friends: through the ups and downs, I want to be there with you, every step of the way (translation: I miss being there every step of the way). I love it when we talk, but I love it just as much when we can sit in silence together. Do we have to be miles away?

I wish I could spend a thousand years on each person I love, to invest in them in the way they deserve. 

I’m not sure if I believe in past lives, nor have I ever felt a déja-vu moment as if I've been reincarnated. But one thing's for sure is that although I don't know all the lifetimes I might have lived, I'm grateful for the lifetime I'm in that led me to meet all the people I love.

✻

The memories exist in limbo. In a special third place that’s not quite there but not quite here, in the “past” but when I play a specific song or see the polaroids on my wall, each memory floods through me like a frame-by-frame flipbook. I see it and I want to catch it; cradle it in my arms before they slip away. 

But time doesn't stop. The clock keeps running, as do I. 

Perhaps it is because of this temporary limbo we are in though, that allows us to fully understand how precious these moments are and cherish them as so.

This piece is slightly different from my usual tone (not that I’ve written many pieces to have a ‘usual’ tone, but I digress), though perhaps more accurate as to how I often visualize and think about the situations and people in my life. I would like to practice sharing more of how I see the world, in the words that ring true to me. If this resonates with you, too, I’d love to know :)

with <3, kel

4

5:49am on February 14, 2022. We are all Q-tips.

I used to heavily identify with being a ‘do-er.’ In one of my university application essays I was asked to list three words that people in my circle would use to describe me, and among them was do-er. This meant whatever I said I would do, I always followed through with it. I realized though this was only true when it came down to not disappointing other people.

In my executive positions with clubs and organizations, I tried so hard to be the perfect president, perfect VP, or perfect designer. I only ever followed through with my commitments when it meant not doing so would be of detriment to my teammates. My motivation for completing tasks was driven by fear of reputation loss; the fear that if I slipped up even once, it would be disingenuous, cause a disruptive rift in my identity, and disappoint others. I was so tunnel-visioned on not disappointing others that I began neglecting my personal life and goals, perhaps disappointing the very person that mattered most—myself. 

I realized I was losing faith in accomplishing anything that solely involved myself. I was at a loss as to why this was the case, how I wouldn’t work on my portfolio or personal projects yet I would be bending over backwards for others. Upon reflection, this could be partially attributed to lack of value-alignment with my own projects, but I think the larger portion stemmed from my people-pleasing tendencies.

In my formative years, I was constantly told to “go big or go home” by mentors in my life whom I highly respected. They believed in me, so how could I let them down? But this well-intentioned mantra paralyzed me; it was like trying to climb a mountain without any footholds. While I’m a proponent of not settling for less, sometimes I think it can be discouraging when you shoot big only to be let down by your grandiose desires. It can often end up having the reverse effect: because you tried and failed, you’re subconsciously thinking you will fail if you try again and many people (including myself) are afraid of that. I had ambitious goals, but I didn’t have the confidence to meet them eye-to-eye. 

It wasn’t until this past year or so where I decided to shift my mindset and work towards building more self-trust. Trust that I can do whatever I set out to do, because I have the agency to. 

In order to shift my mindset, I needed evidence. I was inspired by this @visakanv twitter thread I read a few months ago. As a TLDR; it discusses verbalizing little commitments i.e. “I’m going to drink a glass of water,” then actually committing to its execution in order to build trust in yourself. This is something I struggle with a lot. Starting from Nix wrote that “building self trust is a product of keeping your promises to yourself.” I wanted to do the same—to make little promises that work towards building trust in my ability to do what I say I’ll do (motivated intrinsically, this time). 

Ways I’m gaining self-trust:

• Committing to 6k steps daily, working my way up to 10k

• Intentionally putting myself in situations where I could fail or look stupid

• Going to the gym when I say I’ll go to the gym

• Doing something immediately after saying I’ll do it

• Actually listening to music recommendations or reading articles people send me

• Writing this blogpost after telling C I was going to start writing again

I want to continue doing this to show myself I can do what I said I will do. To show up for myself by achieving little wins.

I see this as progressively overloading my goals until I’m at a point where I’m eventually shooting at the moon—and landing there. When you see someone at the gym squatting two plates, it’s not like that’s how they started. Everyone starts off with lower weights, or no weight at all. If I want to write a novel, a screenplay, start a youtube channel, or write my case studies, I have to first show myself I can do the little steps inbetween to make any real progress. I need to take little bets on myself. After all, how could I possibly have enough faith in myself to become a writer if I can’t even finish one blog post? 

A recent example of when I feared failure was at a concert, where the artist asked if anyone wanted to come on stage to sing. I hesitated raising my hand, fearing I’d make a fool of myself unprepared. But someone else took the offer, and I regretted missing my opportunity since. So in my Anthropology class the other day, I volunteered to mock interview someone else in front of the class without any prior preparation. And you know what? It went great, and I don’t think anyone remembers what I said or looked like while I was coming up with these questions impromptu.

It showed me there isn’t any real danger with putting yourself out there. You’re not in any physical danger is something I want to drill into my head more often, which failing can feel like at times. The alarm bells in me ring with worry as if I was alone in the wilderness. But at the end of the day I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and people around me, so what am I so scared for?

When you have self-trust, self-esteem soars. As much as there is nervousness, there’s also comfort in knowing you are capable of doing anything. An “I’ve done it before, I can do it again” framing. Betting on yourself is done in confidence rather than a bluff, because you’ve shown yourself consistently that you can do it. Thus, confidence in being able to achieve something similar grows.

I’ve moved across the country before, I can do it again.

I’ve performed well under pressure before, I can do it again.

I’ve gotten great opportunities before, I can get them again.

I’ve loved before, so I can love again.

You’ve done it before, you can do it again. How can you fail, when it’s you? When you’ve proven time and time again to yourself, that you’re capable and you can do it?

I have this last quote saved in my Notion, and re-reading it never fails to strike a chord within me. I think it’s hard to internalize something like this when you haven’t really proven to yourself it’s possible. But throughout 2022, I was able to accomplish a lot of what I could have only dreamed of.  By proving to myself I can do it with little things, I’m now feeling ever-so-slightly more confident in my abilities and have faith in doing the so-called impossible.

Just consciously repeating these to myself and building this habit of showing up has significantly improved my mindset and state of being. It’s the fact that now, no matter what situation I encounter, I can apply the same underlying logic of knowing I trust myself enough to take on any challenge. They may come in different levels, but the foundation is still there. And if a challenge is at a level I deem beyond what I’ve built enough self-trust for, well, I’ll just have to put myself in enough similar situations until I get there. 

If you want to start showing up for yourself too, here’s what I’ve learned on my journey:

• Start stupidly small

  • The whole point of self-trust is being able to trust your words, and the simplest way to do that is by making promises to yourself easy to commit to–and I mean extremely easy that it almost seems silly. If you want to write more: write ten words a day instead of one hundred. To exercise more: Commit to putting on your runners and athletic clothes first. Every time I didn’t want to go to the gym, at some point I made a promise to atleast put on my gym clothes then see how I felt. 9 times out of 10 I ended up going anyways. The point is to just get in the habit of starting and succeeding at the little steps, before upgrading to the next level (progressive overload!). The timeline of when you move on is up to your discretion, my litmus is generally based on how confident I feel in my consistency.

• Verbalize your commitments, then execute them immediately

  • Speak aloud what you are going to do before you are going to do it, whether it’s to yourself or someone else. Layering this on top of the previous tip, make it small. When you do this repeatedly overtime, it helps you recognize your agency.

• Discover your ‘why’

  • I want to show up myself because when I do I feel more whole, more fulfilled, more me. And when I show up for myself, I can better show up for the people I care about. Why do you want to show up for yourself?

• Find an accountability partner/group

  • Accountability works. I call M every week to talk about our goals, check-in, and keep each other accountable. We’ve been doing this consistently for two years and it’s been great to see our progression with what sorts of goals we set and what’s realistic for us, and has been a huge factor in establishing my self-trust. Additionally, one of the most comforting aspects of being able to achieve what I have and knowing I’ll be able to achieve what I want to is the incredible support system I have along the way.

• Be compassionate to yourself, but don’t make excuses

  • It’s okay to slip up. There are days where I’m not hitting 10k steps or didn’t go to the gym like I promised myself to. I don’t beat myself up for it so long as the reason was genuine and I get back on routine the next day. But if I notice I start using the notion of forgiving myself as a premise for making excuses, then I take a holistic look at my habits, analyze them to find the root cause of my excuse, and see how I can recalibrate to make them work for me so I’m not making excuses anymore (i.e. go back to the first tip and make the commitment even smaller).

life recently

• I’ve been in Seoul, South Korea for almost two months now on exchange and am just so in awe every single day I’m here. Sometimes I miss home, and then I take a trip down to Yeouido where I enjoy some live busking along the Han River, and suddenly I’m reminded life is good. I do really miss food in Vancouver though—eating vegetarian is almost impossible here :’)

• Some highlights: the aforementioned busking, breaking my first board in taekwondo, exploring palaces in Korean hanboks, Gaho concert, hiking Gwanaksan mountain, photobooths, cafe hopping, yoga, finding K-drama filming locations, and meeting amazing people I’m grateful to call my friends

• A little late reflection but 2022 was the best year of my life - got the most opportunities, and funding from them helped me to experience travels on my own for the first time which has come with its own set of joys and life lessons. I also leaned into being around people more (as an introvert at heart), and loving it (shocker!). I realize the people I care for most are the people who helped me realize the parts of me I never thought to grow, or have never tried to unpack.